Can we ever really learn from our mistakes, or does the essence that defines us make it impossible for us to ever learn from them??
Over the years, I have learned a few things about myself - that define me and even though I know I have flaws, I simply cannot change them, believe me, I have tried.
For one, I am incredibly impulsive. I know it. My friends know it. My family know it. No matter, I simply cannot learn from my mistakes, and believe me when I say, I do many impulsive things because I want to live in the moment, ‘do’ before I think, ‘do’ what feels good now, without really thinking it thru…. Case in point…Saturday night I was walking on 3rd Street Promenade and saw a couple with a beautiful Siberian husky mother, with her six puppies. Of course, I could not walk on by without picking up a puppy and cuddling it. They tell me they are selling the puppies and want to find fantastic homes for them. I immediately start to analyze why I should purchase one. A) I love dogs. B) I am a huge animal lover. C) They are SO, SO adorable it makes my heart ache. D) They need a good home, which I can provide. E) The one I am holding, I have an instant connection with, she looks at me as if to say, I am YOURS. F-Z) I completed the entire alphabet on why I should take this tiny morsel home. However, I am out to see a movie, so cannot possibly do it now, and besides, I did not bring my checkbook. However, like any pansy, I give the person my phone number, in case I may want to get her tomorrow.
Sunday, the phone rings, “Hello, we meet last night, I have the puppies and was wondering if you are still interested?” What does my impulsive personality say, “Of course, can you bring them by my place so I can pick one?” The next think I know, I am hosting a mommy Siberian husky, her six perfect puppies and their two owners. My place immediately becomes a mad house; mommy is trying to keep all six of her pups in line and the pups just want to explore, smell, pee and pooh all over my house. Still, I am suckered into one particular puppy, named, Smiles, because she has a permanent smile planted on her face. I cannot resist. Despite the fact that my daughter is suffering from an allergic reaction, despite the fact that I just bought all new furniture and I know how puppies are going to chew on every corner, despite the fact that I just lost the love of my life, Lucy, whom is irreplaceable, despite all my better judgment, I take out my checkbook, pay them an unsightly amount of money, which is against my religion ( I would prefer to rescue a pup from the shelter), and thank them profusely. Then I clean up the massive mess these seven doggies have made and sit on the floor with this gorgeous, well-behaved cuties pie and have buyer’s remorse. I call it, “pulling a Trisha”. It is the story of my life…Running into something because my heart pulls me so hard, I have no choice.
Dakota, as she is now named, is the perfect pup. She is docile when I want her to be, playful when the timing is right, yet charming and perfectly in tuned with her environment. The sad part of my impulsive behavior…..Madison is allergic and breaks out in hives at the touch of her, and my property owner wants an obscene amount of money for a deposit. Sadly, I have to give her back.
Will I ever learn from my mistakes or is it just part of my obscure nature to be impulsive and follow my heart? Oh…….. The heart is a painful, yet amazing organ that drives me. Maybe I will never learn, but I know my heart will always be in the right place….I pray that she finds a wonderful home where she will be loved, unconditionally, as I would have loved her if the timing were right. Timing….that’s another story in and of its self…
I did purchase a Toyota Hybrid yesterday. This was also impulsive, but at least I am not polluting the air anymore with my massive Range Rover, or at least not until I embark on a road trip. I know these two things do not relate in the slightest, but somehow it makes me feel a little better, even though my heart is broken. I admit, I have made many mistakes over my life – but I am learning that this does not make me a bad person, even if I feel like one.