ADVENTURE

Imagine

2009-02-18T18:41:00.001-08:00

Imagine there's is no heaven
It's easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people
Living for today...

Imagine there's no countries
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people
Living life in peace...

You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will be as one

Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world...

You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as one

John Lennon

Scatterbrain

2009-02-16T12:24:00.000-08:00

Sunset through my tree
Golden Downtown LA - View from my house

Santa Monica Beach - View from my house

Today I am a complete and utter scatterbrain. I cannot for the life of me stay focused or complete any one task I set out to do. Days like these make me crazy, as my to-do-list gets longer and each action seems more like a counter-action. Having my daughter home from school does not help either. The moment I start something it hear, “mom, I can’t find my big whale, can you find it for me right now”. Or, as I sit at my desk to respond to emails, or search through my pictures in the attempt that I may get them organized, Sadie will come inside looking like a chocolate Lab, instead of a Vanilla Lab, as she has dug a hole in the mud and rolled around in it. This is my life today. I am so frustrated at trying to get anything done, that I almost feel it would be more productive to lie in bed and watch a movie. At least I “may” be able to finish it, or at least I can pause it and come back to it later.

Since I started typing my silly blog, Sadie has knocked over a vase, stolen a flower and delicately placed all the petals all around the house and then began chewing on my favorite piece of furniture. Tomorrow won’t come soon enough, when Mad will be back in school and Sadie will be calmer (as Madison usually gets her all excited and she becomes quite mischievous) and hopefully I will be able to get something done.

I am reminded of a day when I was 8 or 9 years old and my mother told me to go play with my friends outside so she could clean the house. In the late 70’s kids could do that you know. Just go to the neighbors’ house, knock on the door and ask if Travis and Bret could come out and ride their bikes or walk to the shops to buy some lollies (aka candy), or walk down to the river and throw rocks. On this particular day, I remember Travis, Bret (the local brats, nicked named trouble and brat) and me wondered around looking for something to do and discovered that one of the houses on the street had just dumped a mountain of soil to landscape their front yard. It began to rain and I suggested we go for a slip and slide in the mud pile. OH my, what fun that day was. We laughed and played for hours on that mudslide, climbing to the top, sliding down on our bellies or bums, throwing mud at each other until we were literally covered from head to toe in mud. Once we finally started to feel the cold, we all went home. I stood at my front door, rang the doorbell and when my mother opened the door, her face lost all its color. Instead of seeing her blonde blue-eyed little girl, before her stood a wild native, the only white remaining were my eyes. My mother refused to let me inside the house, until she hosed me off on the front lawn – that was miserable, because up until that point, I hadn’t felt the cold. I guess, as with life, you only feel the cold when there are no more games to play.

Oh, to be a dog or a child, when your world is carefree, play is actually your work, and your mom will clean it all up when you are done.

So the tides have turned and today I am the grown up cleaning up the mess and getting nothing done.....

Grand Scope

2009-02-11T19:39:00.001-08:00

A wonderful friend of mine recently had her art opening at the Robert Berman Gallery. I am in awe of her pure talent and incredible braveness. She is 23-24 years old (sorry Vanessa if I got your age wrong) artist pursing her dreams and desires. Vanessa is also self taught, which blows my mind away…See all her work here: http://www.vprager.com/.

Today, I am the proud owner of this beautiful piece, Grand Scope. It was a difficult decision, as my first choice was Magic Mare, I fell in love the moment I saw it, but someone bought it before I could sweep it up. My Second choice, Skinny Lover, I really love the mood and darkness of this piece, it reminds me of those moments of loss and love all intertwined. This rings true for me, as I do not believe you can have love, without loss. However, in the end I decided on Grand Scope. For me, this painting will remind me to look into the future and witness every detail in 3D. Maybe it resembles my own life and the hope that my future will be bright, exciting and full of three dimensions.

I guess this is how I choose art or make art for that matter. I do not make choices based upon if I think it will be worth more money later, or whether it is something I “think” I should own, but if it moves me, or hold significance to me and only me. I have always wanted to be a big supporter of the arts and artists, so in some respect, I am living that dream. My collection is growing and each day when I walk thru my home, every piece I have purchased still makes me smile and giggle with admiration for theses delicate artistic souls.

My own art has been a whirlwind, as I am exploring my own style, while thinking about what I want to communicate to the world through my art. Maybe it will remain a hobby, a place I go to release my energy, or maybe I will actually make something out of it.

So far, I am proud to say, I have sold four of my own paintings, all thru word of mouth. This astounds me, as I have only painted 6 pieces since I began painting again. It also looks like one of my paintings is being purchased for an album cover…holly cow….If it does, or doesn’t isn’t really the point…The point is, I love to paint, even when I am completely frustrated and have absolutely no direction in sight and I waste buckets of paint on one canvas. However, somehow, eventually, I make something reveal itself and I am proud and feel that it is complete….Maybe that is the same with life. We must propel ourselves to throw buckets of paint at it, until something sticks…and then, maybe we can smile and be proud.

Quiet

2009-02-09T20:05:00.000-08:00

It’s quiet tonight, there is a full moon high in the dark sky, frogs are croaking over yonder, while the gentle sound of the trees are swaying in the wind, the clouds are glowing and dancing to some far off destination. It is quiet as I sit in my birds nest far above the busy city below, and I am warm and safe.

My black nosed, black eyes snuggle bug is curiously observing my pen move back and forth over my page, her head moving from left to right, in the meanwhile, my sleeping beauty lays in my cloud, sweet and still. Her brilliant mind and mouth are finally resting, at least until morning. Oh, it is quiet tonight.

As I journey from there to here, from then to now, near and far, I can’t help but wonder…how did I get here? Is this my beautiful house? Is this my beautiful life? It all seems beautiful on the outside, but on the inside, my life is less than perfect and I am miles from contentment – yet on this eve, things sure are quiet tonight and it feels all right…

Tomorrow, when the sun rises and the birds begin their morning song, the cars will buzz and hum, the lines will form for the morning rush of coffee, hungry mouths will want to be feed, destinies will be created and the noise of the world begin again. And, my journey will continue to move forward, yet again and I will enjoy all the noise life has to offer……… ahh, the noise is comforting, yet the quiet is, for the moment, satisfing.

What a Difference a day can make

2009-01-22T22:25:00.000-08:00

A wave of peace came over me today, a sense of relief. The way it feels when your body floats atop the ocean. When you can hear the sound of your loud breath, the muffled drift of the waves, and feel the peaceful sun’s rays shining on your face.

I haven’t felt this kind peace for many moons and I am rather enjoying it, for a change. I can’t say why it happened, but I hope that it will stick around for awhile and the two of us can become more acquainted.

Yesterday, I woke up early to feed Sadie, who wakes me at the crack of dawn, telling me how much she needs to go potty and then on to tell me how absolutely starving she is and then she looks at me with her big dark eyes and says she can’t wait for a decent hour, oh no she says….get up now, this is urgent! As, I walked into my kitchen wiping the morning dew from my eyes, I looked out my windows to witness the most sensational sunrise I have seen in years. The kind you see on flyers for God. The clouds are gathered, white and puffy, the purest white, yellow and pink sunbeams streaming through the middle, ejecting there magnificent beams in all directions, as if God himself was standing there, in the middle with his arms open saying “aaaaahhhhhhhh”, in a high-pitched singing tone. Despite witnessing this gorgeous sunrise, and the sheer stillness of that moment, it didn’t improve my terrible, terrible mood. Yesterday I felt as though I may explode like a rocket launching from its pad, or uncoil and strike an unyielding prey like a threatened viper. Oh, it was a terrible day.

However, this morning, when I woke, the clouds were grey, raindrops sprinkle my yard and tranquility awaited me. I woke up feeling peaceful, grateful and serene. It’s not as if God came to me yesterday and spoke profound words into my ear. I honestly couldn’t say why today was better, not just better, but honest and pure. I haven’t felt this for a long, long time. So long, I had forgotten how amazing it is. This feeling fits me like the perfect pair of jeans, the kind of jeans that your bum looks great in and there isn’t any muffin-top and when you sit down you don’t have to unbutton them to breath, “aaaaaahhhhhhh”…..in a high-pitched singing voice….
Maybe it was the sunrise, maybe it was Sadie’s big black eyes, maybe it was the sound of Madison’s sweet, sweet snores, maybe it's because Obama is President, or maybe it was really God coming to whisper in my ear……..but what a difference a day can make……..for that, I am grateful…..

Its a new year....again

2008-12-30T20:14:00.000-08:00

Another year has flown past..and maybe as with fine wine, we age with dignity, flavor, taste and new aroma. My puppy, Sadie, is sitting on my lap as I write this. Usually, she wants to type, play with my keyboard and wreak havoc with my things, but right now, she’s sleeping soundly on my lap. Soon she will be bigger and won’t be able to enjoy this space, as with all things in life. We grow up, become bigger and have to find new spaces to occupy.

I have a theory about space. A friend of mine, whom I adore, spoke to me about space and how he felt different about his own space, well space is in fact the area we occupy as spiritual beings. As we grow, we enjoy different space, new space, but it is in fact our space. Our private area in which we occupy, that we enjoy more and more with knowledge, learning, and time. Time….another little morsel that we all know about.

Some of us look at time as a demon, a tyrant that creeps up on us when we’re not looking, and grabs us by the throat and says “you’re time is almost up’” or “you’re too old now to enjoy the fruits of your life.” But, I say, f*** that….We are the time and space we choose and we are whatever we want to be, do or have…and time and space are only relevant to our state of mind. Stay young at heart and follow your passion and everything will be okay.

So in this New Year, remember we are the captains of our destiny, we are the leaders of our time and we are the space we occupy.

Love to all my dear friends….you know who you are….and take this New Year by the balls and be and do whatever your heart desires…..

Love to you all….

Newest Painting's from my studio

2008-12-18T19:31:00.000-08:00

In Progress

Destination
Rainy Days

Red Shoes

Stilettos’

Lonely

Keep it simple

2008-12-18T15:36:00.000-08:00

Sometimes the universe answers our calls and sometimes it doesn’t hear us at all, no matter how loud we scream. Sometimes the universe says, “Hi. You’ve called the universe. I’m not home at the moment, please leave a message and I’ll get back to you when I can”. Unfortunately, the universe hasn’t answered all my calls lately and frankly I’m beginning to feel like I may have the wrong number. I hate leaving messages. I need instant contact, a live conversation, an immediate response.

I believe we are ‘all connected’ as human beings. We may lead different lives, have different points of view, personalities, desires, dreams, talents, etc. but on some very deep level, we are all connected and share so much with one another. Strangers we’ve never meet, people who live on the opposite side of our planet, the guy, or girl who works in a factory somewhere. Sometimes I get the feeling that the universe is actually a big switch board, you know, the old fashion kind they used in the 20’s and 30’s with red and black wires, all crossed over each other, a big mess unless you know how to use it. There have been times in my life when I control that switchboard, when they are all in the correct holes, the connections are clear and concise and there are times in my life when they are a big jumbled mess. But if you learn how to use this switchboard, and the communication with the universe is open, it can be an amazing experience. The connections we have with people are so very precious and to me, as important as my own breath. Treating people with respect, dignity, genuine care, love and most importantly, granting them the right to be who they are and love them despite all reasons not to.

Despite the universe not answering my calls recently in regards to several of my personal requests, I feel a sense of calm about it. I’m not pacing the hallways wondering when…..when……..why…..why…..or laying in bed at night annoyed that my karma must be off and I must have done something terrible to deserve being ignored like this. Strangely, I feel a sense of calm that my life will become complete and my path will appear in front of my eyes, and if I’m lucky, I will have it all and then some.

The holidays are not my favorite time of year these days, they represent much loss and pain, but instead of succumbing to that deep pain, I’ve decided to keep it simple. Create the love, create the sparkles, create the moment, be present, give presents, and allow the universe to get back to me when he’s ready to commit to answering my call.

The sound of white

2008-12-17T16:38:00.000-08:00

This place needs the rain, it needs to be washed away of its sins, of its cynical sense of humor, of its pretence. This place needs the rain and rain it receives. Wind, rain and apparently snow in Malibu? Could it be true….

The rain makes me want to be bundled under warm blankets by my fire and indulge myself in a provocative romance novel that tells the story of other peoples secret lives, naughty and wild. This rain makes me want to create a fantasy world that I could live in for a couple of hours-a world that only I dictate, whereby I am the complete goddess and ruler. I want my imagination to run wild, I want to run away to that place where all of my fantasies, dreams and desires are my reality….if even for a few hours.

While I’m there, I might float in a bubble, fly in a hot air balloon, climb a mountain, jump off a cliff into soft bouncy clouds, dance in a field of yellow daisies, be the captain of a pirate ship, fly to the moon, sip fine nectar from a wild flower, ride a white horse bare back and drown in the feathers and down of my cloud.

Sometimes, if I listen to the sound of white, I can hear what’s inside my soul and if I lay still long enough, I like what I hear, the howling wind, the pouring rain and an old man snoring somewhere. But mostly I love the sound of my imagination where I play make believe and life’s better for a moment.

Sadie Snuggles Walker

2008-12-07T22:11:00.000-08:00

We are proud to annouce the newest addition to our family, Ms. Sadie Snuggles Walker. She is a 7 week old White Lab....

Happy Thanksgiving!

2008-11-27T13:08:00.000-08:00

Wishing everyone a wonderful Thanksgiving.

gobble, gobble......

Write it

2008-11-12T21:58:00.000-08:00

Im gonna sit here on this page until I have something positive or inspiring to write.....

Ok... here it is..... wait for it.... Im thinking...... thinking.......

Ok.... most of what I write is for me and me alone, but that doesn't matter. I write it. I write it because its good for me. I write it because it takes the pressure off. I write it because it keeps me writing. I write it because there's nothing else to do. I write it. Just write it.

Today I feel silly. Today I feel strangely daring. Today I want to scream. Today I want to be solum, but I can't. Today I want to fly. Today I want to sing. Today I want to dance, to my iPod as I walk down the street. Today I want to hug a stranger. Today I want to be famous. Today I want to smile. Today I want to cry. Today I wish I were whole. Today I have hope.

Strange Places

2008-11-11T18:21:00.000-08:00

Sometimes there is no rhyme or reason for the things we do. Sometimes there is simply just a feeling that urges us towards a certain adventure or opportunity. It’s a funny experience because I am sure there are people who know how to logically control these impulses and some of us that are such emotional creatures that nothing anyone says, can talk us down from the ledge.

I think the ledge is there for a reason. It is to go there, look, feel, experience, enjoy, not enjoy, embrace, hate, or love, so that we can determine if the ledge is the place for us. What would happen if we never went to the ledge? What would happen if we stood in the same place all the time? It’s kind of like this blog. I started it for reasons…..reasons…….actually not of my own ‘reason’ but of someone else’s reason. Anyway, that doesn’t matter anymore. I know there are not many people who read it, but for some strange reason I am compelled to continue. To express myself in this private world, to share, to hide, to write my thoughts down so they don’t remain in my head. Most people I know use their blog as a source for inspiration or a creative outlet, but I haven’t arrived in that place yet. To me it just feels good to express myself and say what I want and occasionally the universe will give me some relief for having done so.

My life and thoughts have recently been so focused on questioning the universe and myself that it is almost impossible for me to detangle myself from these things. I find it interesting that people I encounter openly tell me that I am a woman on a journey. People who hardly know me tell that they think I am becoming something new, something I should have been a long time ago. It is a difficult pill to swallow, because it is true. I am exploring and questioning everything life has to offer and sometimes I feel like I am going a little bit nuts. However, I think I am narrowing the meaning of life down to a few important things, which are…..

Love, creativity, honestly, and the other is being your true self. I probably should say family. In regards to family I will say that I have recently embraced that to me family, means; Madison, my sister, my Grandmother, my dearest friends, some aunts, uncles and cousins that I am very fond of. However, usually the first thing that comes to mind when we say the word ‘family’ is mother and father, the two people that brought us into this world in the first place. However, for some reason, even though these two very dynamic people are “my family” I just cannot relate to them, at all. I mean after all, the thing that creates love and understanding is affinity, reality and communication. The thing that lacks with my folks is reality and communication, real communication. The kind of communication that is honest, respectful and understood. Probably the most important issue that creates communication and affinity in the first place, is a similar reality of life. How can I create reality with them when we have completely different views about life and livingness?

I wonder if this lack of love and understanding is why when I meet someone that truly gets what I am saying and doesn’t judge me or use me, I love and respect as my ‘family’ so much more than my own parents? It’s that time of year again, when we should be celebrating family, yet, I will be alone gain this year, with no one special to enjoy this season with. If it weren’t for my daughter, I would run away again, the way I did last year.

I have so much love in my heart that sometimes I pull back for fear of being made a mockery of, or betrayed. I know I shouldn’t do this, as loving someone or something so much that it hurts is all part of the ride. I guess I am as guilty as the next to ‘not disclose’ everything I am feeling or thinking, afraid of some strange consequence. On the other hand, maybe it is better to leave some things unsaid. I do not know anymore. Nevertheless, the thing that I hate the most is, it is not honest. So why do I do it? Do I simply want to appease everybody all the time? Do I feel sorry for the things I really think or feel? On the other hand, is it that I am still uncertain about what I truly think and feel?

I am embracing the idea that I have a wild nature, I do not want anyone to control me or tell me what to do, yet I have a strong sense of moral and ethical responsibility. For some reason I cannot seem to separate the two with a sense of balance. I have heard people talk about having ‘balance’ in their lives, but I am questioning if that is possible. I am beginning to feel that there is no such thing as balance, only one extreme, or another. Maybe a little ‘gradient scale’ of balance, but not even scales. Maybe that’s why the justice symbol is always off balance. They already know there is no such thing as true balance. It’s always a little bit off kilter.

As I stumble down this bumpy road of life, exploring all it has to offer…I am becoming more aware that love, creativity, honesty and family are the most important truths in this life. Everyone probably has their own definitions of these words, but to me these things are just as important as eating, sleeping, drinking and being merry. These things make us a whole. Even if we think, we are whole because we have a great job, great family, great friendships…were not whole until we have someone who understands us completely and loves us unconditionally for it.
The thing I am most terrified of in my life is ……LOVE… I am one who falls in love quickly and passionately, I am afraid, because of this, I will spend the rest of my life alone, and forever be a skeptic. That maybe love is a false pretence so that we are not lonely. I know with complete certainty that I don’t want to be alone. I want someone to create with, dream with, play games, love, cherish, share my most intimate moments, feel wanted, useful, someone who admires me, laughs with me, is my “in case of emergency” person. Yet, I wonder, is it possible for this to one person, one man?

I guess loving is easy, its intimacy that is the bitch. Not just with the opposite sex, but in all things life related…..

Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds

2008-11-08T18:13:00.000-08:00

Next week marks the first year anniversary of my beloved Lucy’s death. Lucy was born July 14, 1994 and died in my arms on November 15, 2007. She was diagnosed with Spleen Cancer. The doctors told me that they could operate to remove the tumor, and she would live for a few more months, but after long discussions with Lucy, we both decided she would rather be out of pain and leave us with pride, dignity and love in her heart. She had done such a wonderful job of protecting and loving me for 14-years and she did not want to live a few more months with pain.

Lucy was the love of my life, the unconditional kind of love. We had many good times together, long secret chats about life, chats that she would never repeat, complete trust and lots of snuggles. For a red head, she was not a feisty girl; she was a lover, nurturer, and sweetheart to the core. I remember one night, when she was just a puppy; I received a phone call from my grandmother in Australia telling me that my Grandfather had just passed away. I was beside myself with grief as we spoke on the phone, and Lucy climbed up into my lap, staring at me with her big brown eyes, complete sympathy and empathy and she told me that I would be ok, she would love me, the sadness would soon become less, and that I would smile again.

As loyal as Lucy was to me, I have felt that getting another dog would somehow betray her. I have been unable to see myself with another dog. Her loss was worse than any heartbreak I have ever endured. However, today, instead of morning her, I decided to celebrate her. Madison and I drove an hour out of LA to look at puppies. We feel in love with a beautiful little white Labrador retriever. She was born 17 days ago, and is still nursing with her mommy, so we will drive an hour every weekend to visit and play with her until she is old enough to come home to her new family. Actually, we pick her up Christmas Eve….(Santa is going to get BIG BROWNY points this year)!

We think we will call her Sadie, but until we spend more time with her, we cannot be certain of her name. More to come…

But this is for Lucy…..

My dearest beloved Lucy,
I will forever love you
I will never forget you
I hope you love me still
I hope you are happy
Wherever you are
No one can replace you
You were my friend
I was your friend
I hope you are dreaming of me
As I am dreaming of you
I miss you, I miss you, I miss you

Floodgate

2008-10-22T11:36:00.000-07:00

Sometimes there are days when I feel “off”. Like today, dark and dangerous feelings envelope me so much that I find it difficult to navigate my way through the day. Heavy thoughts and sensations seem to make their way into my mind and body and they camp out for a while. My body gets heavy, I don’t want to get out of bed, nothing excites me, my life seems fraudulent and worthless. I am second s away from bitter and broken. It doesn’t feel natural, I want to wage war against them, fight them off, but they are stronger than me. I had a dream the other night that I was shot in the heart at close range, and I couldn’t scream for help. No one could see the blood running down my chest, but I could see it red, feel it warm, the people around me just stared, I tried so hard to speak, to tell them I was dying, but no one could hear me. I lay there, alone, in my pool of blood, slowly suffocating. I will listen to these thoughts, embrace these feelings, know that it will pass and tomorrow or whenever it subsides, I will walk into the light once again…..…

The floodgates open and nothing comes out.
I’m feeling no relief in my head just doubt.

But my heart keeps telling me 'hold your ground’

You'll never learn a thing if you bail out now

And I'm lonely again tonight

I can feel it like a knot in my side

They keep saying this is part of the ride

But I'm not getting stronger

You hold me against the light

And do you see any bullet inside?

Wouldn't find one if you magnified

Because you've got the wrong girl

Had my fingers around the back of your chair

You'd never miss a thing but you missed me there

And I just kept thinking 'Am I prepared

To pull it out from under your trusting stare?'

Now the house is quiet as a hollow head

And I'm walking round bumping into things you said

This has not been as easy as I thought it would

I’d be cooling down the fire if I thought I could

But I'm lonely again tonight

I can feel it like a knot in my side

They keep saying this is part of the ride

But I'm not getting stronger

You hold me against the light

And do you see any bullet inside?

Wouldn't find one if you magnified

Because you've got the wrong girl

Fallen

2008-10-16T14:34:00.000-07:00

My first painting that has come out of my new garage studio.

Title: Fallen

The Black Crayon

2008-10-12T20:09:00.000-07:00

A Black Crayon was feeling very unhappy because nobody used him very much. All the other crayons, the red crayon, the blue crayon, all the different ones, were getting shorter and shorter. But the Black crayon was staying very much the same size. "I'm just as pretty as the rest," he said to himself.

One day, while a Little Girl was drawing some pictures, he said to her, "I wish sometimes you would use me!" "I would like to," said the Little Girl, "but I don't know what to draw." Draw some pictures of stars, and a moon, and the nighttime, when it's cozy and snug," said the Black Crayon. The Little Girl drew an enormous picture of the nighttime. She put in one, two, three, four, five, six, seven stars. They were yellow and orange. Then she drew a moon. In fact, she liked the purple moon so much, she made an extra, baby moon. Then everything else she made nighttime, using the Black Crayon to it make it lovely dark.

When she as finished it was such a beautiful picture, the Little Girl's Mama put it on the wall.

The Black Crayon was very short and very happy!

The End.

Divorce

2008-10-07T22:10:00.000-07:00

Divorce; A definition(s): Noun: total separation; disunion: a divorce between thought and action. Verb: to separate by divorce: The judge divorced the couple, to break the marriage contract between oneself and (one's spouse) by divorce: She divorced her husband. to separate; cut off: Life and art cannot be divorced.

It has been 16-months since my husband and I separated. Our marriage lasted 15 years. That is more than half of my adult life. Technically, (in the eyes of the law) we are still married, so he is technically still my husband and I am technically his wife. I have never spoken about my marriage on my blog, but the time seems to be approaching to let go and finally release certain feelings, resentments, losses, angst, confusion and share, my thoughts on the subject, out-loud.

When two people meet, a particular chemistry takes place that draws one to the other. A love that may begin with lust and attraction, but as they begin to share a life together, a bond forms and love grows, admiration blossoms and a future begins to be written, a story, of two people sharing their lives together. Sometimes we agree, sometimes we do not, but the love is strong enough to keep them tied together, (through thick and thin-this has two connotations. Richer or poorer, sickness and in health). So much intimacy, so much power, so much creation, so much joy, so many triumphs. So how does it happen that two people, who were once so in love, fall out of love and end their marriage with divorce and what if you cannot truly ‘divorce’ because you share something so special together, a child?

My husband told me the other evening that he thinks I am a Chameleon. There are a couple of definitions for Chameleon, one of which is the obvious; a lizard capable of changing the color of its skin – the other; a changeable, fickle or inconstant person. I am sure he meant I was both. I have been pondering the comment for the last few days and I have decided he is right. I am a bit of a chameleon. When I feel threaten or in danger, I may change my color, blend in become camouflaged. When I am happy and content I may just be there glowing the color red. If you ask me, chameleons are very clever and adaptable. In regards to fickle and inconstant, I have to admit, there is some truth to that. At least I am not boring, or average. Huh…funny, I just remembered the engagement ring he gave me was a small diamond with a flaw in the middle of it, a little piece of black coal -that’s me alright, a beautifully flawed diamond! I guess he already knew that when he proposed.

Divorce is the most traumatic, turbulent, disgusting, frustrating, horrible place to find yourself standing. I would not wish it on my worst enemy. I would rather cut off my left arm than ever experience divorce. Many difficult changes, such as, what happens if he remarries and my daughter has a stepmother and I want to scratch her eyes out for spending time with MY child, or touching a hair on her head. Yes, I said that out-loud…it has been on my mind lately. I guess its motherly instinct. I was once a true believer in love. I was once a believer in marriage. I was once a believer in the special union of a husband and wife, of family and I hope, I pray, that when I make it through to the other side of this mess, I will believe again.

It is difficult to put a good book down and start a new one, especially when you have not made it to the last chapter yet. Sometimes I wonder if I am actually in the middle of a bad book, and I am putting it down without ever knowing if it has a good ending where everyone rides off into the sunset. To be honest, I am not sure which book I’ve been reading and I must confess, that the pain and confusion of not knowing, has sent me too many lonely nights with a trusty bottle of wine to numb my thoughts and feelings, to avoid waking up and facing my life, alone, with no book to read at all.

I try to remain positive, force myself to do new things, meet new people, but honestly, there are days when I simply cannot put a smile on my face. Sometimes, I feel completely uncertain, alone and lost….like walking into a strange dark room and you cannot find the light switch, even though I know it is there, somewhere…. These days, these feelings are becoming less, mainly from pure determination to end one chapter and start a new one, a chapter whereby I stand stronger and wiser, on top of a mountain screaming, “I made it and I will never look back down again”.

I love my husband, (soon to be ex-husband) and he loves me. We will always love each other, which proves………to me, that ‘love’, does not conquer all. So, why do Hollywood movies make us believe it does? If love will bring us together, what keeps it together? Maybe it is learning to respect and admire our partner’s qualities, good and bad, flaws and all. Maybe it’s trusting the universe and time to heal all wounds and trusting that when you least expect it, you will receive understanding, compassion and love from someone, somewhere unexpected.
Please do not read this and be discouraged from marriage. Marriage is a beautiful union, which is why it hurts so much if it ends. But if you’re entering into this union, as several of my dear friends are soon, remember, be kind, respect, understand, create, and never make your partner feel bad for just being themselves. Oh….and love each other……..

Jason, if you happen to stumble across this, thanks for the 15 years we did share. We did have many wonderful times together.

Changing

2008-10-03T12:57:00.000-07:00

This is a card I received from my dear friend many moons ago. I haven't visited my blog for some time and having decided I hate my last entry, I noticed this card on my notice board (it’s been pinned up there for months), but today I finally got it! "She packed up her potential and all she had learned, grabbed a cute pair of shoes and headed out to change a few things. Her heart glowed with a degree of happy assurance."

My potential has been packed in my suitcase, and it’s been sitting in my closet way to long and its ready to be unzipped and I am allowing it to explode all over the place. I set up my art studio in my garage and started painting again. It’s been years since I have really painted anything. My creative juices are flowing and it feels dam good. I’m planning a group art show at my house soon, A house pARTy, something I planned to do ages ago and never did for fear of failure.

As to all I've learned, I can say I've learned a great deal over the last 12-months, (it’s all still sinking in, like quick sand), but I recognize this is a process that has no end. I feel wiser accepting that I have much to learn, that I must pursue knowledge on continual basis. I was reminded recently that, Happiness is not bought, it's thought. (A quote from my very own, Guru Zen Master, my 9-year old daughter)

Yep, profound words that came out of her gorgeous mouth the other night when we she was telling me about her woe’s at school. She told me how unhappy she was, complaining that her friends at school all have bigger houses, more toys, fancier cars, than we do. I looked her in the eye and said, "darling, do you really think that’s why you are unhappy? You have everything you need and most importantly, you are loved". She sat, quietly for several minutes, her mind churning and swirling this over and she looked at me with such wisdom, as if the a philosopher was telling me the secret to the universe and said plainly, "happiness is not bought, it's thought."

I almost fell out of my chair. I was so taken aback by this revelation that she had, I wanted to cry with pride, but as only a mother can, I held her and told her she is one of the smartest people I have ever met in my life and how proud I am that she is my daughter. I should take advice from my daughter more often.

As far as changing a few things, here is my list:

- Accept myself for who I am and never be sorry for being myself
- Throw away the guilt of the past and take one step at the time towards the future
- Get outside more often and experience all that life has to offer
- Don’t regret yesterday, life is in me today and I create my own tomorrow
- Work hard, Play harder
- Create, create, create
- Live to inspire and be inspired
- Never be afraid to fail, you won’t know if you failed until you try
- Love myself more, and know that I am loved

As for the cute shoes,…..I’ve always had that covered.

TODAY, I feel brave, brave, brave. I have the courage to take my life, turn it upside down, inside out, shake the apple tree until they all come falling down.

My wings already exist, all I have to do is fly. My favorite quote from another Guru Zen Master, Christine Mason Miller. If you do not have this book, Ordinary Sparking Moments, http://www.christinemasonmiller.com/, buy it for yourself and all your friends today, its pure magic.

This just in from my horoscope (ARIES)....How does this work? Wild......

You are eager to take what you've learned over the past few days and apply it to something new. Although you might believe that you are running out of time, you're not. It's just that there are large shifts on the horizon as your key planet Mars finishes up his visit to social Libra. Reconsider the terms of a partnership today, while you can still see the unbridled potential of what's ahead.
By Rick Levine

Firsts

2008-07-11T15:04:00.001-07:00

A few days ago, I got to thinking about firsts. First kisses, first loves, first success, first friends, first losses. The first time we have a certain experience. For some reason my memory was sparked by the movie Top Gun. It was on TV and it ignited a significant first - the first time I was kissed -- I had forgotten about this memory, and how old I was when it happened. Alas, the year was 1986 – I was 13 years old.

It is a daunting thought to think that my first real kiss, I was merely 13 years old. Being a parent to an 8 ½ year old daughter, it seems too young. I would be mortified if my daughter was being kissed at the tender age of 13, but as I remember in that moment, I felt so grown up, so mature.

A boy at school asked me out to a movie. He was the most popular boy at school and I remember being extremely nervous, because all the girls likes him, he was smart, funny and good-looking. I was not a popular girl at school; I was in the rebellious club.......we were the kids that didn’t fit in. I wasn’t a jock, I wasn’t a dork, I was different. Probably the best example I have of this is Molly Ringwald, in Sixteen Candles, or Pretty in Pink, when she plays the character of the outsider, not rich, not popular, not a dork, but different. I went to a private school with many rich kids, but I was not one of them. My parents were not rich, I had to take the bus to school, because they didn’t own a car, I am not even sure how they could afford to send me to this school, or why, but I remember being on the outside. Everyone liked me, and I made three best friends right away. We started our own club, MTRS. Mimi, Trish, Riz and Sam, their parents were not rich either, so the four of us had a lot in common. We were the kids that shopped at Thrift stores, borrowed each other’s clothes, and were fashion forward. I think I was sent home once, or twice for wearing jeans with tears in the knees, or a top that had only one sleeve. The year was 1986 after all, when blue eye shadow was necessary, big hair was a necessity, and tube socks worn with high top Reebok’s were totally tubular..…. We had never heard of name brands, like Polo, or Gap and even if we did, we could never have afforded them. Most of the kids at the school came from well-to-do families and their parents dropped them off in Mercedes Benz, Jaguars, or Cadillac’s. The four of us bonded immediately, since we were picked up by the Big Yellow Bus at a certain prescribed location.

Anyway, seeing Top Gun jolted my memory of my first kiss. His parents picked me at up at my horrific place of residences, and drove us to the Theatre at the Glendale Galleria. He paid for the tickets and off we went into the dark theatre. My hands were sweaty, my heart pounding hard, I didn’t know what to say, I was a nervous wreck. He didn’t know what to say either. So, there we are, sitting in silence for a long time, then suddenly during the scene when Tom Cruise and Kelly Maginus, “GET IT ON” to “take my breath away”, an arm comes from behind and lands around my shoulder, he turns to me, leans in and low an behold....... he kissed me. His mouth is open, which shocks me, what kind of kiss is this, is this normal? I pull away, because I am so embarrassed. Even though it lasted all of a few seconds, my cheeks are bright red and I am grateful it is dark in here. I turn away and pretend to be interested in the movie, but Tom and Kelly are still getting it on, and the love scene seems to go on forever, which makes me more embarrassed. I can’t remember anything else about the movie, but the song “take my breath away” takes on a completely new meaning now.........What I am going to tell Mimi, Riz and Sam? Will they think I have betrayed our club, because I went to a movie with a Jock and he kissed me? What will I say to him when I see him at school? I mean, jeez, I was 13 years old. I can barely process mathematics, let alone process my first kiss, especially to such a cheesy song like, “take my breath away.”

Looking back on this moment now, I have to give him a lot credit for being brave enough to bust a move. I don’t think I could look him in the face at school on Monday. I was so shell-shocked by the entire experience; I think it took me quite a long time to recover. But my epiphany is, that 'first' has the potential to rock your world, and they are important to remember. Each time we experience a first, we are learning more and more about others and ourselves. It takes courage and braveness to have a “first” experience, but they will enrich us and make us stronger. Even the little “first” like; getting a facial, cleaning a toilet, holding hands, starting a new job, playing a new board game, trying a new recipe, learning a new language, skydiving out of an airplane, or more significant firsts like; getting married, buying a house, starting a company, having your first child, or starting over in life.

Firsts are simply scary and fabulous rolled into one delightfully delicious ball! So get out there and have more firsts – you never know......... you may find that the ball of life starts bouncing higher and higher, until you find yourself on top of the world!

The Magic RV – PART I

2008-06-26T13:46:00.000-07:00

Notes from Madison’s Journal

“We just left home and we are having a lot of fun in the RV. It is really hard to write in the RV. We are maybe, going to camp at the beach and we are listening to Eminem, Slim Shady.”

Setting off early in the morning with no particular destination in mind, we only know we want to drive this magic RV up Hwy 1. The excitement is brewing and we feel a sense of freedom surging through our veins. As we leave Santa Monica behind us and drive our shaky, rattling home, that we will be living in for the next week, we smile, talk, sing and listen to music. Suddenly, a feeling I have not felt in a long time, comes over me….happiness, mixed with a splash of calm. The stress of life is slowly releasing itself and I feel that this journey is going to be nothing but fun, fun, fun! As we drive, I am trying to soak in everything that I am feeling, thinking, seeing, tasting and smelling. Madison is in the back playing and enjoying this wonderful new experience of driving around in a house, of sorts.

Our first stop, Santa Margarita, where I wish they served cold Margarita’s..but no such luck. We arrive at the campground around 5:30pm and it is empty, only a few campers here and there. The place is not as pretty as it sounds. The campground guidebook I bought says it’s called, ‘Lake Santa Margarita’, but when we pull up, I ask where the lake is, the person says its miles from here and you cannot swim in it -- frankly, it does't sound appealing. The grounds are dusty and dirty, there is an old pool table at the main building with missing balls, the cue sticks have no felt left, the pool is old and a wee bit crude, nonetheless, it’s hot, so we jump in to cool off. We head back to the RV, make some dinner, light the candles and play cards. Madison has selected her bed, which is above the cab, slides her curtains shut and falls asleep.

The following morning, we pack up camp and head to Big Sur, which we have firmly decided, is actually Heaven on Earth. Along the way, we stop at Seal Beach, and watch these huge giants wade, waddle, sleep, play and chatter to each other. We briefly look at the Hearst Castle, which we decide we will tour on the way home and head off to the Big Sur Campground. The drive along Hwy 1 is absolutely breath taking, I have driven it twice now and it never ceases to astound me. Our magnificent planet is truly stunning.

We arrive early enough for a late lunch at the River Inn café, which is gorgeous. The description on the River Inn brochure is everything it says, “Nestled amid towering redwoods along the scenic Big Sur River, lies the historic Big Sur River Inn. Founded by one of the Big Sur’s most prominent pioneering families, it has been the site of fun family vacations and quite getaways for many generations. Relax from the press of civilization on the sun-dappled deck. Renew your spirits with great food and drink in the rustic dining room overlooking the lawn and river. Remember childhood dreams as you lie back in the soft, fragrant grass alongside the Big Sur River.”

Next door is our campground, we settle into our camp site, take a dip in the freezing cold river, which is incredibly refreshing, lazily float down the river in our inner tubes, watching the sun flicker through the trees with the most beautiful natural light on earth, whilst thousands of lady bugs fly overhead. Later we get in line for “happy hour” 50 cent ice-cream, eat hot dogs, build a fire, play cards and take in the beauty of the tall pine trees that surround us, the sound of the river moving, and families talking around their campfires. In this moment, we are content, happy and at peace.

Swirly Whirly Wings and Things

2008-06-08T11:46:00.001-07:00

I recently took ownership of the most sensational, wonderful, amazing, beautiful, inspiring, lovely, and creative masterpiece. The lovely and talented SWIRLY GIRL created it especially for me!

The layers are pure magic, the secret messages left deep within make me giggle and smile. This piece of art is such a treasure; it will become my first family heirloom. It hangs above my bed and when I tuck myself in at night, I feel safe and protected and when I wake in the morning, it makes me want to fly. I am the luckiest girl in the world.

If you need more beauty and inspiration in your life visit http://www.swirlygirl.com/

Thanks for being in my life Swirly. Love yah!

Compulsion

2008-05-31T19:12:00.000-07:00

I haven’t painted in a long time. Too long. Today for some reason I got the bug. It’s been weird, I usually paint in a certain style, but today took me in a completely direction. Nothing like I have ever done before. I am not sure I like it, but it sure did occupy my mind all day. I started at about 11am and have just now decided to take a break, its 7:04pm. I will probably paint over the entire thing, but before I do, I want to comment (to myself more than anyone) that today has been an interesting process. I had no idea what would come to this canvas, but I didn’t want to wait for an inspiration or idea, I just knew that today, I had to paint. A compulsion…..something that couldn’t be stopped. I had no particular inspiration, which, usually I do. So, this is probably the weirdest and strangest thing I have ever painted, but the 8 hours that has passed since I started, seemed to last an entire 30 minutes……pretty cool…I must like it….I can’t believe I have spent the entire day outside on my patio painting…..Have I been in a time warp? I guess I have…..Anyway, the next time you see this painting, it will probably be entirely different. Actually, I am positive I will just paint over it. Nevertheless, I sure did enjoy the process.

The Adventures of Poo Orca and Pee Dolphin

2008-05-30T15:58:00.000-07:00

Poo Orca and Pee Dolphin
A True Love Story

Madison.....You Rock Girl........

Love,

Mom

The Storm

2008-05-24T19:57:00.000-07:00

I painted this picture when I was 17 years old. I remember the moment vividly. I had just returned to Los Angeles, from Australia after a very significant moment in my life. It's title; ‘The Storm’.

When I was 15 years old, I boarded an Air New Zealand flight back to Australia, feed up with LA life, wanting to go home. I was a confused little girl, unclear about the direction of my life. It’s silly now, looking back, because who really knows their direction when they are 15 years old – or 45 years old for that matter….. They served me alcohol on that flight and let me smoke cigarettes. I felt so grown up. No one ever believed I was 15 years old, people that met me always assumed I was older. I guess that’s what I projected- I am a grown up, street smart and and speak the adult language.

When I landed at the Melbourne airport, my grandma and grandpa picked me up in their little white car, with red vinyl seats. I could not even tell you the make and model of that car, because that’s exactly what it was..... A Car. Four tires, two seats in the front and a row for three in the back. it had a gearbox with faded numbers and letters on it, 1, 2, 3, 4, R and N on it. Not the way they make them these days, all fancy, literally, just a stick, with a knob on it. My grandfather taught me how to drive in that car…….. I must have been 13 years old when he first let me in the driver’s seat. My grandparents lived at the top of a huge hill and my grandfather said to me, “Trisha, when you can get this baby in gear and get her to the top of that hill, you have graduated and can drive me anywhere.” I will always be fond of that memory because he made me feel so responsible and I was determined to impress him. I must have tried and failed that hill many times, but the day I made it to the top was victorious. My tongue was probably sticking out of my mouth, in deep concentration and determination. I would not fail or let him down. I was in control of this machine, this white “no name car” with red seats and a stick. I got it into 1st gear, let out the clutch without stalling, then, with a steady heart, slipped it into 2nd gear and prayed I wouldn’t roll backwards. This time I made it…pure exhilaration and a sense of accomplishment and trust in my own ability. I love my grandfather for giving me that gift – the gift that I can do anything if I put my mind to it.

My grandmother was 4 foot 2 inches tall, grey short hair, cute as a button and a heart of pure gold…...no joke…..her heart was made of gold….She did not have an indecent bone in her entire body. She was made of sugar and spice, and all things nice. My grandfather, a handsome man in his younger years, now, bald on top, with a few grey stands popping up here and there, was always smiling, telling jokes or war stories. When I arrived in Melbourne, they were waiting for me. For some reason I remember wearing red Levis and a red and white stripy shirt. I had a perm….oh my….the perm….a topic that should be avoided at all costs….I thought I was so cool then, but now when I look back at photographs, I want to gasp and gag myself with a spoon……… Anyway, I remember how happy they were to see me and welcomed me warmly. Their love for me was pure and unconditional, it’s hard to comprehend this kind of love sometimes, but they had it, for me.

After living with them for a little while, I became restless and lacking independence I had become accustom to from a young age, I decided to enroll in Art School. So, I moved out and into a halfway house for reckless teenagers. I loved it there, for a while, I loved the freedom, until the drug art scene quickly consumed me. Not something, I am proud of today, but I have learned to accept that this experience has somehow shaped me into the person I am today, a person I am proud of. My grandparents would show up from time to time - to this house, in The Car, and bring me health food and homemade baked breads. I never invited them inside, because I was ashamed, but that never stopped them from showing up.

Knowing that this environment was going to eat me up and spit me out, I came back to LA, to try finding a better path. LA was not a place that was going to embrace and love me, but the only other place in the world I could think, where I had friends. I am omitting many aspects of this story, because frankly it was traumatic and unpleasant and not want I am trying to write here, what I want to say is this; This painting ‘The Storm’ is a representation of my grandmother holding my hand through my storms and never wanting to let go, because she loved me, unconditionally. Her name was Catherine. She passed away two weeks before my daughter was born, in November 1999. I wish I could have flown to Australia to hold her hand and weather her storm, but my doctor would not let me go in my condition. I regret that decision and wish I had been my reckless 15-year old self and gone anyway…I miss her and the safety of her love…….She was always my shelter from the storm. I hope that one day, someone will remember me in this light….the shelter from their storm, the one person that would never let go of their hand, no matter hard the wind was blowing……..that’s the kind of love that is pure, simple and unconditional….

Cowlick

2008-05-24T14:51:00.000-07:00

Cowlick: noun: Projecting lock of hair. Oxford dictionary

This morning, as with most mornings – I wake up, brew a pot of coffee, make breakfast for Madison, get in the shower, wash my hair and most days, I blow dry my hair, some days I can’t be bothered and end up looking like a beached hippie, or a lead singer from an 80’s heavy metal band. But, this morning I busted out my hairdryer and as I was blow drying my hair, I thought about my cowlick. Some of us only have one, some of us more, and some of us have none. Mine is on the right side of my fringe, or bangs as they are called here – weird…..how does that word define the short front part of your hair? Anyway…….my cowlick, that imperfection in my hair, that kink that looks like a cow licked you. It’s always there – no matter hard my big round brush and blow dryer dance together, it never goes away, it’s just always there.

I think I write about the same old crap in my Blog, over-and-over again, just in different ways, trying to somehow explain myself, sort it out, like I am stuck in the middle of a big puzzle and one piece is missing. Just one ruddy missing piece, that piece that’s going to make everything whole, complete the entire picture, the whole kit and caboodle. You know that feeling when you can’t find something and all day it eats away at you, because you need it…you need to know….know where it is. Once you find it, it stops eating you, but sometimes you never know where it is and it’s a big mystery sandwich, but eventually, you let it go. You accept that you can’t find it and stop looking. One of my many talents is my ability to find things. Madison calls me “The Finder of All Things”. It’s true, 99.9% of the time, I can. I could find a needle in a haystack, or the toy that went missing a year ago and all of a sudden there is an immediate emergency to play with it……..the one that went to toy heaven for a while; or the nail clippers that didn’t arrive back in the draw, that have been secretly living under the rug for months – I will find it. It’s a gift! An unusual one, but nonetheless, a gift.

Anyway, my cowlick….while I was trying to sort it out this morning, trying to negotiate with it, trying to make it disappear; I had an epiphany. I realized; I need to stop trying to get rid of it and let it go – stop trying so hard to fix it. I think my big round brush and hairdryer both agreed with me. So, today my cowlick and I embraced each other. As I looked in the mirror one last time, I smiled and let it go. I have let go trying to find that missing piece to my puzzle. It’s just not meant to be found – not today anyway…..

My Kid Could Paint That

2008-05-19T11:08:00.001-07:00

This painting was created by a 3 year old little girl named Marla Olmstead. I recently watched the documentary about her, called My Kid Could Paint That. What an incredible story. What a beautiful talent and passion this gorgeous little girl has for art. My heart was so torn up after seeing this film. My daughter, who is also a talented little morsel of an artist, saw the film and her heart was also torn. I won't share our thoughts, however, I will say this, my faith in human behavior, for the sake of a story and money has been shaken to the core. I am pissed off and disappointed that 60 minutes would bother to criticize a 3 year old. I hope they feel shame for putting Marla and her family through such a horrible experience. If people want to pay $100,000 for a painting because they like it and it makes them feel good, what right do the media have to try to discredit her work?

The beauty about Marla is, she doesn't care what other people think. She paints because she loves it. If only we could all be more like her, innocent, passionate and enjoy the artist inside us without worrying what other people think. I hope Marla continues to paint her little heart out.

Destiny

2008-05-18T09:51:00.000-07:00

How is it that the stars know so much about our lives and character? What was happening in the universe on March 21st 1973? What cosmic burst occurred on that day that said, "on this day, this year, this moment, the moment you are born, you will be"; bossy, daring, direct, honest, competitive, adventurous, optimistic, passionate, adventurous, spontaneous, artistic, creative, daring, head strong, guileless, vivacious, defiant, impulsive, immature, reckless? OR that I would like; winning, handmade items, love, romance, new clothes, red flowers, fast cars, surprise parties, one-of-a-kind gifts, or that I would dislike; being late, restrictions, losing, feeling hungry, standing in line, indecision, and phonies.

Really........how does this work? I read that a Greek philosopher, named Heracleitus said, "Character is destiny." Who you are - complete with all of your goals, tendencies, habits, virtues, and vices - will determine how you act and react, thereby creating your life's destiny.

This is what my astrology said about me today.... "Things are looking up, yet there's a stress that won't magically disappear. But even with too much happening, you can make time to enjoy yourself without going into denial about something important. You have an innate skill: you can stay focused in the present moment when you are passionate. Use your concentration wisely by preparing for what's coming instead of scattering your attention all over the place".

I guess my destiny is already created for me and my path has already been paved. So, today I will enjoy myself and stay focused in the present moment and be passionate. Maybe that includes being spontaneous and going to the beach, sitting under my umbrella with a good book and some great tunes! That sounds innate and focussed to me...

Well, I think my star sign accurately defines my character and I wouldn't disagree with what it says. I like my character, flaws and all. I am who I am.....and I can't change that.

I read a proverb yesterday that I really love, "Do not wish to be anything but what you are, and be that perfectly." -Zen Proverb

A little slice of heaven

2008-05-16T15:13:00.000-07:00

Today I decided that after my doctor’s appointment I would ride my bike down to a little deli on 11th Street. I heard about this place last year, a place I promised a friend I would visit. I cannot believe I have waited so long…I am in love….I had no idea that such a simple little visit to a deli could put such a huge grin on my face. Firstly, this place is no secret. I had to fight for a parking spot and tackle my way to get a number from the little red machine, but this did not remove the smile from my face. This place is like eye candy for the tummy with tons of special items on the shelves that I had forgotten all about, such as Nutella. I used to eat Nutella as a kid. That yummy chocolate paste the you smear all over your toast and as you eat it, leaves smudge all over your cheeks. Yummy…....Anyway, as I waited for my number to be called, I felt like a kid in a candy shop, small and insignificant compared to all the smells and colors that surrounded me. The hustle and bustle of the people intoxicated me, as I stood there, nervous and excited all at the same time. When the man on the other side of the counter finally called out my number, 59, I thought I might have a panic attack. What should I order? So many choices…..I approached the counter and in a very quiet voice, asked if I could please have a turkey and salami sandwich. As I waited for my sandwich to be prepared, the man standing next to me was anxiously clutching his number, waiting for it to be called, #66. They called number 61; he turned to me and said, “I love it when people just leave because they don’t want to wait. I hope people to start to leave soon”. He looked at his number again. I smiled and said I had never been here before. He looked at me as if I was an alien from outer space, or maybe the look was because he felt excited for me, that someone new was going to experience a little slice of heaven.

The man behind the counter handed me my sandwich and I began to walk through the aisles a little aimlessly trying not to bump into anyone. I stopped and looked at the jars of capers, jams, pasta sauces, special cooking tools, smelling cheeses, looking at wine bottles; I must have walked around for 20 minutes in a slight state of utopia. I could not bring myself to purchase anything just yet, I was feeling rather intimidated. So tomorrow, I think I will return and buy out the place and maybe even cook up a storm.

Sometimes it’s the little things….the little things in life that can give us a surge of happiness.

Note to Self: Do not forget about the little things….

Oh…….the sandwich was perfection! So was the Toblerone I ate for desert......

Tangled

2008-05-14T08:30:00.000-07:00

There are some days when my head is swarming with words, ideas, stories, questions, answers......sometimes they come and go so quickly I become annoyed that they didn't stick around longer so I could really grasp them, hold them, nurse them, drink them, write them down. But in that brief moment they are flying around my head, there is a moment of clarity or peace that I feel from these concepts, words, questions........and occasionally in these moments, my silent voice brings a calm wave of warmth over my body and I realize my mind is awake and alive.

Anger is not an emotion that I have been very familiar with, however , recently I discovered it. It has been laying deep within me like burning hot lava at the bottom of a volcano, ready to explode with red hot flowing rage at any moment. I have been questioning where it's coming from and sometimes the answer will flicker in my mind, and 'puff', it is gone....I asked my sister the other day why she thought I was 'feeling so much' these days and she said, "I think your finally waking up Trisha." I think she's right.

I am starting to feel less tangled and beginning to release my tightly wound ball of a self, and I am coming undone. I am beginning to let go and leave the past in the past, where it belongs and pick up the paint brush and start painting my future and not be affraid of what might appear on my canvas........It feels good......

"If you live without fear, if you love, there is no place for any of those emotions, it is logical that you will feel good. When you feel good, everything around you is good. When everything around you is great, everything makes you happy. You are loving everything that is around you, because you like the way you are. Because you are content with you. Because you are happy with your life. You are happy with the movie that you are producing, happy with your agreements with your life. You are at peace, and you are happy. You live in that state of bliss where everything is so wonderful, and everything is so beautiful. In that state of bliss you are making love all the time with everything that you perceive." -- The Four Agreements

Life and Death

2008-05-09T09:43:00.000-07:00

I would like to share this story with any woman who is taking birth control. This is very important information that I feel, as woman need to know with complete certainty, because our LIFE DEPENDS on us knowing our bodies and what we are putting into it. I also urge men to become educated on this subject and know what the person you love is putting into her body.

Monday I went to the emergency room because I had a "gut" feeling that something was not quite right. I was completely prepared to be told to go home as a silly girl, who was worried about nothing and just wasting important doctors time for nothing, however, I was immediately admitted into the hospital and told that I could have dropped dead at any moment. This is not a joke.

Last week I noticed swelling under my right arm. It became quite painful, very quickly. I thought I must have strained it somehow, but as the days wore on, it was so painful, that six Advil could not relieve the pain. I was also experiencing a fever and waking up in the middle of the night drenched in perspiration. I also had a cough for several weeks, which was not getting any better, and recently noticed that climbing stairs made me short of breath. The following day I went to the doctor and she put me on anti-biotic. She told me it seemed as though I had an infection and it was trying to come out of my arm, instead of my nose or mouth, which may have been caused by my deodorant clogging my glands. She told me that if my arm tuned black and blue, I should immediately go to the emergency room. I thought this comment was strange, being that I had just been diagnosed with an infection, nonetheless, I was prepared to go home and feel better within a couple of days.

When I got home that night, my veins started to appear like a road map across my chest and down my arm. My arm was also swollen. I did not recognize that as a sign of ‘black and blue’, so I went to bed. That night, I woke up, drenched in sweat and this time was having trouble breathing. I assumed I was just breaking my fever. The following morning I felt a little better and went about my day. I assumed that in a couple of days, the anti-biotic would kick in and I would start to feel like my old self again. A few days later, I was getting my daughter ready for school and I felt faint. I almost passed out, right there in the kitchen while making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, but somehow I gained my balance, drove her to school and actually volunteered there until after lunchtime. As I was driving home, I felt that something wasn’t quite right. I was not feeling my strong healthy self, my arm was still in pain and very swollen, in fact it was almost twice the size of my other arm. I decided to stop by the emergency room on the way home, with the hope they would tell me I was just getting rid of an infection.

After receiving an ultrasound on my arm, followed by a terrible CT scan of my chest - now let me tell you…this procedure is not pleasant - they inject a horrible dye into your veins, so they can get a good picture of what’s happening inside your body, it feels like poison, it tastes like metal, it feels hot, it feels like you wet your pants, and although it’s over with quickly, it isn’t something I would like to do again. The doctor immediately diagnosed me with a blood clot in my arm. It had traveled through my heart and into my lungs. It is still in my arm and lungs and by pure chance or luck, missed the main artery of my heart, thus not killing me. The cause they say….birth control….I could not believe it. After three days in hospital with nurses and doctors coming in every few hours to draw my blood like vampires, check my blood pressure, monitor my heart, inject me with medication and so on, I lay there bewildered and emotional that this has happened to me. I simply cannot believe I am laying here a sick person, in a hospital with sick people, because of birth control.

I am home now, I have to inject myself each morning with blood thinners, which is horrible, and I have to take a pill version of blood thinners for, at least the next 6-months. This means that if I cut myself, I could bleed to death, if I hit my head, I could bleed to death, if I bump myself I am going to bruise easily, and thus may cause more blood clots. In essence, I have to treat my physical body like a delicate flower for the next six months while it repairs itself. I cannot even eat green leafy vegetables, as vitamin KI, found in green leafy vegetables, combats that blood thinning medications, which by the way is a form of Rat poison. Could it get any worse? Probably, but at this point I am questioning if sex is even worth it. Well… ok, sex is definitely worth it, but this experience has my eyes wide open on the subject of birth control.
Almost all my girlfriends are on some form of birth control, which most of them get from the free clinic. Are they educated about the risks? Are you educated on the pros and cons of birth control? If you knew all the side effects it can cause, having a baby might be a hell of a lot easier and a lot more rewarding. I know I am being a little cynical, but I certainly know what it is like to have a baby, and I know what it is like not to want a baby.

Choices…...we have many choices. However, we should be very well informed about our choices. My doctor never told me I would be at risk for blood clots, or any risks for that matter. He knows my entire health history, my age, my shoe size. Not only that, he gave me free samples and sent me on my way. There was no brochure inside the package with any form of warning labels on them. I did my own research on the Internet on this particular form of birth control (NuvaRing) and must have overlooked that blood clots were a side effect, or maybe I just ignored them thinking that none of the side effects would ever happen to me; after all, I am a healthy, strong 35 year old woman, who is immune to any kind of dangerous, life threatening side effects and my doctor prescribed it to me…….right? Wrong…. In fact, I just researched NuvaRing and there are several lawsuits pending as it has caused many blood clots in woman, some have even died.

This has been a terribly emotional, stressful and horrific experience for me that I am still trying to digest and make sense of what has happened.

Please, lovely ladies…..I beg you to ask questions. I urge you to get educated. Do your research. I advise you to know exactly what you are putting into your body. Men too…….ask your ladies if they have questioned everything, everything………. Woman are the too beautiful, wonderful, caring, lovely and precious to be lost to something as sheepishly simple as birth control.

Unanimity

2008-05-01T08:55:00.000-07:00

Read, every day, something no one else is reading. Think, every day, something no one else is thinking. Do, every day, something no one else would be silly enough to do. It is bad for the mind to be always part of unanimity.

Smelly

2008-04-29T19:19:00.001-07:00

I haven’t blogged in a long time, mainly because I haven’t been feeling so great and don’t really want to air all my dirty laundry and struggles of late, but maybe I should just let go and spill the beans….so here goes…..I have been felling really crappy lately, plain and simple. If there is a God, then I pray that he stop throwing poo in my face. Now, I don’t mind poo so much, but I certainly don’t like it in my face and it seems that no matter which way I turn, I am getting poo thrown in my face. I think I am a good person. I know I am a good person, but sometimes I feel like no matter how much ‘good’ I do, God, or whoever, or whatever, is up there laughing at me and saying “honey that ain’t good enough and if you don’t get it soon, I will continue to throw poo in your face until you do.” What do I need to learn? What is the message? What am I missing? Or, is this what they mean by, “this is as good as it gets?”
The last 12 months has been jam packed with the most traumatic, exciting, sad, infuriating, exhilarating, depressing, lustful, turbulent, exuberant, horrible, and challenging times of my life. Yes…...it’s all over the place. Up and down like a roller-coaster ride. It all started with a house….well maybe not entirely, but maybe that’s the straw that broke the camel’s back…or something like that…..so, the house…..the “dream” the beautiful house on the hill, with the view of the world, that would be custom built for three. Maybe that’s the moment when I woke up from the dream and realized that the dream was really a façade. Maybe I realized I was a phony….it’s hard to tell the difference sometimes between reality and fantasy, maybe everything is just a dream anyway?
Anyway, the last 12 months…..I have been on my own for the first time in 15 years. Well, not entirely on my own, for that last 8 years, I have a little shadow that follows me around..my mini me if you will….my creative, eccentric soul of a daughter. But, essentially, I am alone, as far as trying to figure out who I am as an individual. I am trying to figure out how to be a woman, how to be a single mother, how to be creative, how to make a living, how to love, how to be happy, how to do it all…..alone. I am not sure that we are meant to be alone, but I know that at the end of the day, all I really own or have is ME and ME alone. Although I have many friends and people around that love and adore me, maybe the reason God is throwing poo at me, is because I am God and since I’ve had 12 months to get on the right path and haven’t yet figured it out, it is in fact me throwing poo in my own face? Now, that hurts my feelings, but at the same time it seems to make sense. Maybe my expectations of myself are too high….Maybe I need to not feel so guilty that I haven’t figured out my purpose on this earth yet. I want a purpose. This makes me feel good. When I have a purpose, I fly….My purpose used to be creating a home for my husband and child. My purpose was to make them happy. My purpose was to create a safe haven for them to exist. But now…..what is my purpose?
I guess my purpose right now is learning how to love myself. It’s really hard sometimes. It’s so much easier to love someone else. It’s so much easier to make someone else happy. How……how on earth do we make ourselves happy? I have to confess….I am happy when I’ve made someone else happy….but what does this say about me? Does this mean I don’t love myself?
I am a very fortunate girl and I realize that I have had a hand in creating that, yet, at the same time, I wonder….is it possible to be happy when you have no one else to love and make happy, or is it only once we love ourselves completely that we are in fact whole and happy?

So God…..no more poo, please….. it’s smelly and it tastes like shit….

With the End also comes New Beginnings

2008-04-29T16:21:00.000-07:00

The end has finally arrived with a story that begun a very long time ago. This is the house I bought a year ago with my husband.

This house was going to be " the dream"!
But sometimes dreams change. People fall out of love. People change their minds about what they really want in life. People disagree. People file for divorce.

Despite the change of dreams, for the last year,
I have been renovating and renovating and renovating this house.
Well, not me personally, but still...A great deal of time, energy and money spent on this house.
This house will never be my home. Sometimes I feel sad about it, but mostly I have been learning that houses and money don't make people happy.
This is probably the most valuable lesson I have learned from this experience.

And even though I love beautiful things, (which is exactly what this house is - a beautiful thing) there are many other beautiful things in the world, which have way more importance to my soul.

My home is where my heart is
And my heart is safely beating in my chest
at a thousand beats per minute

So, the end has come and a new beginning is being written...it will probably start something like this; Once upon a time there was a girl who had a dream that she was flying around the universe looking for something.....something that made her free, wild and

happy......

Mistakes....

2008-03-11T23:05:00.001-07:00

Can we ever really learn from our mistakes, or does the essence that defines us make it impossible for us to ever learn from them??
Over the years, I have learned a few things about myself - that define me and even though I know I have flaws, I simply cannot change them, believe me, I have tried.
For one, I am incredibly impulsive. I know it. My friends know it. My family know it. No matter, I simply cannot learn from my mistakes, and believe me when I say, I do many impulsive things because I want to live in the moment, ‘do’ before I think, ‘do’ what feels good now, without really thinking it thru…. Case in point…Saturday night I was walking on 3rd Street Promenade and saw a couple with a beautiful Siberian husky mother, with her six puppies. Of course, I could not walk on by without picking up a puppy and cuddling it. They tell me they are selling the puppies and want to find fantastic homes for them. I immediately start to analyze why I should purchase one. A) I love dogs. B) I am a huge animal lover. C) They are SO, SO adorable it makes my heart ache. D) They need a good home, which I can provide. E) The one I am holding, I have an instant connection with, she looks at me as if to say, I am YOURS. F-Z) I completed the entire alphabet on why I should take this tiny morsel home. However, I am out to see a movie, so cannot possibly do it now, and besides, I did not bring my checkbook. However, like any pansy, I give the person my phone number, in case I may want to get her tomorrow.
Sunday, the phone rings, “Hello, we meet last night, I have the puppies and was wondering if you are still interested?” What does my impulsive personality say, “Of course, can you bring them by my place so I can pick one?” The next think I know, I am hosting a mommy Siberian husky, her six perfect puppies and their two owners. My place immediately becomes a mad house; mommy is trying to keep all six of her pups in line and the pups just want to explore, smell, pee and pooh all over my house. Still, I am suckered into one particular puppy, named, Smiles, because she has a permanent smile planted on her face. I cannot resist. Despite the fact that my daughter is suffering from an allergic reaction, despite the fact that I just bought all new furniture and I know how puppies are going to chew on every corner, despite the fact that I just lost the love of my life, Lucy, whom is irreplaceable, despite all my better judgment, I take out my checkbook, pay them an unsightly amount of money, which is against my religion ( I would prefer to rescue a pup from the shelter), and thank them profusely. Then I clean up the massive mess these seven doggies have made and sit on the floor with this gorgeous, well-behaved cuties pie and have buyer’s remorse. I call it, “pulling a Trisha”. It is the story of my life…Running into something because my heart pulls me so hard, I have no choice.
Dakota, as she is now named, is the perfect pup. She is docile when I want her to be, playful when the timing is right, yet charming and perfectly in tuned with her environment. The sad part of my impulsive behavior…..Madison is allergic and breaks out in hives at the touch of her, and my property owner wants an obscene amount of money for a deposit. Sadly, I have to give her back.
Will I ever learn from my mistakes or is it just part of my obscure nature to be impulsive and follow my heart? Oh…….. The heart is a painful, yet amazing organ that drives me. Maybe I will never learn, but I know my heart will always be in the right place….I pray that she finds a wonderful home where she will be loved, unconditionally, as I would have loved her if the timing were right. Timing….that’s another story in and of its self…
I did purchase a Toyota Hybrid yesterday. This was also impulsive, but at least I am not polluting the air anymore with my massive Range Rover, or at least not until I embark on a road trip. I know these two things do not relate in the slightest, but somehow it makes me feel a little better, even though my heart is broken. I admit, I have made many mistakes over my life – but I am learning that this does not make me a bad person, even if I feel like one.

Inspiration

2008-03-03T19:31:00.000-08:00

I am tired of writing about my feelings for the moment. How I feel about this and that. I am, especially tired of writing about being sad and dismal - I have decided if I am going to keep at this blogging thing, I am going to attempt being a little more inspiring. This weekend, my inspiration came from an Angel!

I have wanted to do a photo shoot up North with a model who would pose as an Angel for me. I was also secretly praying she would allow me to take nude photos of her, which she did and I am extremely grateful, as they are stunningly beautiful. Thanks Larissa! You are beautiful and the camera loves you!

This weekend I took my model, my best friend and we road tripped it up to Big Sur, along the way we stopped at locations we thought would inspire us, and I am so happy with the results. I am so happy and proud of my pictures. The drive was a chance to get out, see more of our beautiful landscape in California, and remove ourselves from the daily grind. I am inspired to do this more often, as this trip has reminded me that the open road, wind, weather and fabulous company can do a lot for the soul. We were laughing so hard all the way because we were saying things like…ooooohhhhh look at those mountains, aren’t they beautiful, oooohhhhhh look at the colors of those flowers, aren’t they magnificent, ooooohhhhh look at that cow, isn’t he cute and ooooohhhhh the ocean is so spectacular. You would have thought we had never seen mountains, ocean or a cow before. Tee hee…..

We left Santa Monica at around 11am and did not arrive in Big Sur until 10pm. We drove the entire way on Hwy1 and we stopped a lot to take photos of our Angel, wow, what fun! We turned many heads and got many honking horns when people driving past saw a beautiful angel standing on the side of the road. When we stopped at a graveyard, two people saw our angel and decided to stop, get out of their cars and take photos of us. How cute!

When we arrived at the little cabin for the night, it was freezing cold, lucky for my friends I am a master fire starter! Ha…We oohhed and aahhed over the pictures and laughed until close to 3am. We could see every single star and constellation in the night sky and when we ran out of firewood, I ran out into the forest and gathered some more, the moment could not have been more perfect. It is a wonderful feeling to arrive somewhere in the black of night and not know where you are or what to except to see in the morning when you wake up.

I realize how important it is for me to get out more often and be inspired, and if you’re not inspired, get in your car and drive somewhere you’ve never been before and maybe inspiration will find you. I am feeling incredibly inspired and artistic these days and the future is open with endless possibility.

Love and Inspiration…

Merry-go-round

2008-02-28T21:34:00.000-08:00

"To love means to open ourselves to the negative as well as the positive - to grief, sorrow, and disappointment as well as to joy, fulfillment, and an intensity of consciousness we did not know was possible before." -- Rollo May

Life is a short path that leads down many roads, alleys, avenues, sidewalks, but sometimes it feels like a merry-go-round, around, and around we go, without ever getting off to walk the road. Sometimes I feel as though I am the only one on this merry-go-round, but the more I open my eyes and step outside my own universe I realize that many people feel this way. They are trying to navigate a new journey in life, overcome artistic angst, trying to unravel the questions to happiness, love, the meaning of life, work, money, family. The theme is the common thread that ties us together as human beings. Not one of us perfect, yet we are all striving to find the peace within ourselves that makes this merry-go-round meaningful and have purpose.
I remember the days when getting on that merry-go-round was exciting and thrilling; up and down, round and round, screaming I want to do it again! However, after years of the same old thing, it becomes monotonous, a queasy feeling overcomes, and eventually it all comes up. I used to think that it was better to hold it all in than to let myself throw up, because throwing up is messy and requires a bucket, a hair tie, a mop and air-freshener. I am finally throwing up all over myself and it is coming out, with vengeance. I am beginning to let go, allow my life to get messy for a while and not except to have all the answers right now. I trying to not compare or measure my life along side anyone else or strive to be or have something that I can never reach. How do we measure our lives anyway? By how much money we have, how many friends we have, how happy we are, what we have accomplished, how smart we are, how creative we are, how well we live? Should we measure our lives at all? Maybe it is a hell of a lot simpler to do the best we can, not stress over the small stuff and not think about shit too much. I know when I think too much, I get straight back on that merry-go-round and always end up in the same place, going around in circles. I am not saying we should not think, because that is what makes us human, but I mean get out in the world, experience things, try new things and make decisions based on what feels good, what feels right.
I continually hear messages all around me such as, live in the moment, love what you do, do what you love, follow your heart, do what you are passionate about, fall and grow your wings on the way down, follow your own path, but what if these things are easier said than done? What if your path is already laid out and you can’t stop walking that road because you have responsibilities and even if you want to get off the road for awhile, sit on a rock and ponder the universe, try something new, or take a different road, you can’t, because you made decisions earlier in life that affect everything decision and every move you now make?
These ideas sound lovely, romantic, beautiful, hopeful and all the rest, but maybe easier said than done? It doesn’t mean we should give up. Never give up. As hard as it all may seem, never, ever stop dreaming or believing what you believe. What is true for you, is true for you and no one can ever take that away.
Each day is different and with each dawn a new question, a new problem, a new idea, an old idea that has been floating around for a while, new quests, old sorrows, new sorrows, new joy!
I may not always practice what I preach, but I sure know what I want to preach. Love life, live life as if it your last, live for yourself, follow your own path and be free, always.

Express Yourself

2008-02-21T11:50:00.000-08:00

This is my first attempt at making one of these...This is for Madison, and all souls who dare to be different, real, honest and beautiful.

A Gradual Awakening

2008-02-20T12:02:00.000-08:00

I have been flapping my wings hard these days, but since I am still learning how to use them, they are bumping into everything, mainly myself. In the grand scheme of things, life is fantastic, but sometimes I hit bumps in the road, some bigger than others. I’ve been rolling over these bumps lately, bumps like, self doubt and guilt. Doubt that I can’t accomplish my goals, because I am not good enough, or afraid to try because I might fail. The other bump is guilt…that little devil of a word. Guilt - that when I dream, I dream of big things, but when I open my eyes, I am still standing in the same dam place. Guilt – guilt that I have everything I need, but not what I want, guilt that what I want is selfish, guilt that I am not doing enough to help the world, and guilt that I feel guilty.

On the outside, people may see me and think; what does she have to complain about? She drives a nice car, has a nice place to live, all the standard middle class values, but on the inside I want to scream! Why should I care what anyone thinks? The only person, who should admire me, is ME. Maybe I’ve neglected myself for so long and for the first time in my life I have to stand alone and figure it out. I am trying to discover what I want, who I am, and what I want to become, which is a difficult process because I have never thought about it that much before. It’s kind of like waking up in the morning and I am Alice in Wonderland, and the caterpillar is staring at me asking, “Who are you? My reply at this very moment is just as Alice said, “I hardly know sir, just at present - at least I knew who I was when I got up this morning, but I think I must have changed several times since then.”

I thought I could be the perfect mother, with the perfect child, with the perfect picket fence, the perfect white dress, you know……… the movie you see with the perfect family…..but that’s not how it turned out…….. I am not those things. I am not perfect. I am not superhuman. My daughter is an eccentric, which I wouldn’t change for the world, but also makes it difficult, because I constantly feel like people judge me for her behavior and her wicked sense of humor.

The other night my daughter watched Edward Scissor Hands and I could tell she related so strongly to him that she began to cry because she saw a little of herself in him. She had empathy for him, because he is different – Here was this little town, where everyone was the same, same houses, same cars, the woman at home dressed the same, the men mowing the lawn and this strange guy with scissors on his hands, and a heart of gold. I could see she related with Edward and understood him completely. She said to me, “Mom, I like Edward, because I am different also. “ I tried so hard not to cry, I told her that Edward is amazing, and even though he is different and misunderstood, he represents a peace and innocence in this strange world, and even though he may appear strange on the outside, he is perfectly amazing on the inside! I admire her strength to realize that being different is fine and great, maybe I should listen to her words of wisdom and not be afraid of what others think.

I admire people who can go out into the world and not be sorry for who they are, or what they want, they wake up in the morning and go for it……even when times are tough and there are a million reasons not to get out of bed. I am working through a great deal of change at the moment, but I know I am wrapped in a blanket of love, compassion and healthy advice from my friends and that makes me feel safe to share, be open and honest and it also makes me the luckiest gal in the world.

I just flipped open a little book and it landed on this passage: “To be alive is the biggest fear humans have. Death is not the biggest fear we have; our biggest fear is taking the risk to be alive – the risk to be alive and express what we really are. Just being ourselves is the biggest fear of humans. We have learned to live our lives trying to satisfy other people’s demands. We have learned to live by other people’s points of view because of the fear of not being accepted and of not being good enough for someone else. Trying to be good enough for them, we create an image of perfection, but we do not fit this image. We create this image, but this image is not real. We are never going to be perfect from this point of view. Never!” The Four Agreements.

Despite my moment of weakness, self-doubt and guilt, I embrace it all, for I know I am alive, awake, imperfect, always learning, improving, and growing my wings every day. But, most importantly I know that if I fall or crash, I have the most wonderful safety net to catch and love me.

Shadow Boxing

2008-02-19T23:41:00.000-08:00

I was going to post something completely different today, something completely dark and desperate, but now, I have decided to erase all of it and say this, I love my friends and love my tribe, I feel understood and that’s what matters in this moment. I am glad to be speaking English..........finally, I am not so good at speaking Chinese, even though I gave it my best shot….……that’s it. Full stop.

Friends

2008-02-16T12:15:00.000-08:00

"A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart, and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words."

I had the girlies over tonight to shower my new pad with love and blessings. Mmmm…..what fun! Love my girlies…You know you have great friends when they will stand beside you and hold your hand and encourage you to laugh more, smile more, cry more, be silly more, love more, and live more. Even when we are so wrapped up in our own lives, work, boyfriends, girlfriends, husbands, wives, kids, whatever, great friends will always drop the groceries in the middle of the aisle and risk breaking that bottle of OJ to run to your aide.

My girlies are everything to me. Without these amazing babes in my world, I would only be half of myself. I would be walking around bumping into sharp objects all day long…I have many friends, but only a handful of truly amazing, sensational, steadfast and truly incredible girls and a couple of boyz in my tribe, that I love so much, that my heart would break should anything ever happen to them. These are the kind of friends, who will never judge you, will always forgive you, tell you the truth, even when it hurts and love the heck out of you no matter what.

Tonight was about cheese plates, bread, chocolate covered strawberries, fine wine and not feeling guilty that we will all wake up a few pounds heavier, being silly, listening to one another, sharing stories and laughing so hard that tears roll down your faces. It is in moments like these, that I feel like a teenager again, were life is a big playground and I want to dance, sing and be silly until the sunrises. I had a love-hate relationship with being a teenager, too young to be completely independent, yet old enough to think I could make big decisions and choices for myself. I was completely defiant and feisty as a teenager, always doing the opposite of what my mother and father said. If they said I couldn’t do something, I would do it anyway, just to show I was independent. I guess I haven’t really changed that much. But, as I get older and discover I have a few more wrinkles and I can’t stay out as late as I use to, or sleep in till noon, drink as much, sleep in my clothes, sleep with the curtains open, or not be bothered by the mess in the kitchen the next day – I actually appreciate being an adult. Being a teenager was fun, but age and friendships are like a fine wine, over time they become more flavorful, the colors more mature, and with each sip, it leaves a better taste in your mouth.

Words of Wisdom

2008-02-12T12:16:00.001-08:00

“ Love the moment. Flowers grow out of dark moments. Therefore, each moment is vital. It affects the whole. Life is a succession of such moments and to live each, is to succeed.”

I am a true believer in living in the moment. I do not always follow it, for sometimes; I fret about tomorrow and become impatient for tomorrow to become NOW. I lack patience to such an extent; I had a t-shirt made that says “impatient.” I should have one made that says, “Live in the moment.” Living in the moment and embracing it all, even when down and out is a lesson to be learned time-and-time again. For in each moment we are learning, listening, making choices, decisions, smiling, frowning, and most importantly, we are experiencing……... So why do we let some of these moments pass by us unnoticed?

I read a quote written by an 85-year-old woman, she said, “If I had my life to live over, I'd dare to make more mistakes next time. I would relax; I would limber up. I would be sillier than I have been this trip. I would take fewer things seriously. I would take more chances. I would climb more mountains and swim more rivers. I would eat more ice cream and less beans. I would perhaps have more actual troubles, but I would have fewer imaginary ones. You see, I am one of those people who lived sensibly and sanely hour after hour, day after day. Oh, I had my moments, and if I had to do it over again, I would have more of them. In fact, I would try to have nothing else. Just moments, one after the other, instead of living so many years ahead of each day. I have been one of those persons who never goes anywhere without a thermometer, a hot water bottle, a raincoat, and a parachute. If I had it to do over again, I would travel lighter than I have. If I had my life to live over again, I would start barefoot earlier in the spring and stay that way later in the fall. I would go to more dances; I would ride more merry-go-rounds. I would pick more daisies.”

Now this is a woman of my heart! If 85 years doesn’t teach us anything, then I don’t know what will!

Hummingbird Girl

2008-02-10T22:24:00.000-08:00

Several months ago, I saw a painting, Hummingbird Girl, created by a wonderful artist, Swirly. http://swirlygirl.typepad.com/ When I first saw this sensational painting, I made an instant connection with it. I had to have it. It represented ME, at that very moment in my life, ready to grow my wings and flap them a million miles per-minute.

For many years I believe I was dormant, not because I was inhibited, but maybe because I felt a sense of not knowing where my life should lead if it was entirely my life. Strange to me now, to wonder why I felt this way, however, there was always something in the back of my mind wondering who I really was and who I truly wanted to become. These answers are still not entirely clear to me, but there are things I do know about myself and no matter how hard I try to change them, I cannot, because at the core essence of my being, there are things that define who we are.

As women, I believe that there are moments when we are truly tortured by of our lives…..being a wife, a mother, a CEO, a artist, an entrepreneur, an assistant, a lover, a fighter, a WOMAN, or all of the above, we are thrown into a man’s world, and expected to be superwoman. We are expected to be an amazing cook, matriarch, entertainer, worldly, do the laundry, be successful, be wise and sophisticated, yet be true to ourselves all at the same time. However, sometimes, we need to be vulnerable and feminine and have a good old fashion cry because we just feel like it, or reveal a part of ourselves that maybe we do not want to show. Sometimes others may view this as a weakness in our character or think that we are pansy’s and should just toughen up, and so we don’t reveal this side to ourselves as readily as we might, this is especially true for me.. Women have no worries speaking to a girlfriend about the ’woe is me’, but to others, we may conceal those intimate details that reveal that weaker side to our character. Women have come far in this world, we have fought for woman’s liberation, equal rights, and all that jazz, but have we forgotten who we are along the way? The beauty that we betray is something still to be seen and witnessed in this world, by ourselves especially.

June 2007, was a landmark in my life, whereby many changes and heartache were about to fall upon me, all in one big bang! For months I felt the desire to get out of ‘check’ and just move on, but something within me said, GO, get out of here for awhile, remove yourself from this environment, get out there and fine yourself, explore and make changes if you can. I have always been very stubborn and audacious, but suddenly I found myself in a very uncomfortable situation that I did not know how to get out of it. Therefore, I decided I should head out into the world and take a break, alone, a moment of silence if you will.

I was about to embark on a journey alone, for the first time in my life, as a woman and leave behind the past and attempt to paint my future. My journey alone is the only moment in my life where I have made a decision that was solely for me and me alone. Most of my life, I have made decisions based around other people in my life. I think there are many women who do this. Probably because we are nurturing and our natural instinct, is to please the majority, before ourselves. I am not saying there is anything wrong with making decisions based on others, but sometimes there are critical moments in our lives when we must choose ourselves first, over anyone else and this was mine - To vacate to Fiji and Australia for 22 days – alone. I cannot recommend anything more life changing for any woman going through a brutal situation, whether it is divorce, death, a loss of magnitude, or a life-changing situation. For me, my decision was frightening, scary, lonely, teary, amazing, educational, quiet, sad, happy, eye opening, but most of all, it was my time to experience; life, culture, myself, and human kind with eyes-wide open.

I cannot finish this entry in one evening, however, I want to share with anyone who wants to listen, that a moment of silence within ourselves and the embracing of who we are, no matter what the rest of the world may think, is more important than anything in the entire universe. That truly embracing and excepting who we are, maybe the key to navigating our way through this life and sometimes finding that peace requires sitting on a beach for many days alone……….and not being afraid. For anyone who feels trapped or wants to spread their wings and explore…..just do it. Don’t think about it, just do it……flap your wings a million miles a minute and don’t think about it……..grow wings and flap them as hard as you can, even if you don’t know where they may lead you…I certainly don’t know where my wings are taking me, but I do know that they are my wings and I can fly wherever I want………

Steer

2008-02-07T10:28:00.000-08:00

Feel it falling off like clothing

Taste it rolling on your tongue

See the lights above you glowing

Oh and breathe them deep into your lungs

It was always simple

Not hidden hard
You've been pulling at the strings

Playing puppeteer for kings

And you've had enough

But the search ends here

Where the night is totally clear

And your heart is fierce

So now you finally know

That you control where you go

You can steer

So hold this feeling like a newborn

Oh with freedom surging through your veins

You have opened up a new door

So bring on the wind, fire and the rain

It was always simple

Not hidden hard

You've been played at a game

Called remembering your name

And you stuffed it up

But the search ends here

Where the night is totally clear

And your heart is fierce

So now you finally know

That you control where you go

You can steer

You’ve been listening for answers

But the city screams and all your dreams go unheard

So get out of the box and step into the clear

Now you finally know

you can steer

Casa De Conley

2008-02-06T19:19:00.001-08:00

Casa de Conley

My house warming present to myself. Sweet.......... Cappuccino machine!

Yeah!!!!!!!!!! Makes yummy treats first thing in the morning...

I moved!!!!!

My first night in Casa De Conley!

Yesterday was exhausting, but well worth the efforts. I made it into my new pad!

First nights tell all....slept like a baby, maybe from exhaustion, but probably because this feels like home for awhile. Much more to do, unpack and all that jazz.,...but I feel at peace and happy! Mad loves it, haven't seen her so happy in the morning for sometime. .........so far, so good....Starting to feel like an independant woman.....It's mine........yeah!!!!

When my head is not so cloudy, I will share more...........

I feel like I am living in a ski-lodge......in Santa Monica.

Blurry......

2008-02-04T20:21:00.000-08:00

A few weeks ago, my friend wrote a beautiful blog about the relationship between a man and his dog. He also recommended a book. Last night I finished reading it, Merles Door. Never in my life, have I read a book that made me cry so hard, not weep, but a good old fashion hard cry. I barely made it through the last chapter; the pages became so blurry from my salty tears, my heart breaking with each word that I could not continue. A few days ago, I had to put it down next to my bed, because I refused to read on. Every so often, I would look over at my book, and think, 'come on Trisha, you must finish it.' However, for several lonely nights it lay next to me without a page ever being turned. Last night, I decided to be brave, grab a box of tissues, climb into my bed and trudge on through to the end. I imagine the author had a very hard time writing this novel without crying rivers. I am an avid animal lover, just part of my essence, especially dogs. I remember when I was 4 years old, I would walk straight up to a Donavan Pincher, who looked like it had rabies and could probably kill me with one bite and pat his head and lick his face. My mother used to freak out and cry every time she saw me approach one of these animals, but they always licked me back. I think I gave my mother grey hairs way too early in her life, because no matter what kind of animal was in my immediate vicinity, I would always walk straight over to it, try to lick its face, or feed it ice cream. I recently lost the love of my life and my best friend, My Sweet Lucy. After 14 years of the most wonderful companionship a girl could ever have, she passed away from cancer. My tears are fresh and the memory of her still so close to my heart. However, I am also inspired to question something my friend wrote at the end of his beautiful entry and experience with his own love affair with his beautiful friend, Marco. “How can I love unconditionally and how can I change my partners’ life by giving it all?”

This is a fascinating question because for anyone who has ever been in love, knows just how much it hurts when your heart gets broken, whether the source is from the love of your life, or a most beloved pet dying, or the loss of family member or friend. The pain inflicted is unbearably raw, and so physically draining that it can consume every inch of our soul and the affliction is forever present, while for others, they may begin a quest for answers, or a lesson to be learned.

Moments in my life, when I have felt in love, the sensations I feel start something like this; My heart begins to pound faster in my chest, the palms of my hands clam up, endorphins fire up on all cylinders, a rush of adrenaline flows from my head and tickles all the way down to my toes, my mouth begins to twitch due to fact the corners of my lips permanently turned toward the sky and I find myself absent-mindedly twisting my hair with my fingers, the smell of skin becomes intoxicating and my head becomes tipsy with delight, the slightest touch sends bolts of electricity down my spine, the sweetness left on my tongue lingers, the noise of the outside world disappears and the sound of white protrudes until there is no one else left in the room, or giggling in the middle of the street remembering some private moment shared, excited for the next. It may start like that, but it progresses like this; thoughts are easily distracted as I begin to wonder, where are they are at this very moment? What are they doing? Are they happy? Would they like the shirt I am wearing? Are they thinking about me? Do they like sugar in their coffee? Do they prefer tea? Do they like Crest or Colgate? Should I close the door when I pee? Do they eat brown bread or white bread? Do they even like bread at all? As things evolve and intimacy hovers low in the sky, fear sets in, the fear of losing love. I ask myself, is it possible to sustain those moments?……...those feelings?……….this crazy little thing called love?

Why is love such a contradiction? The highs so high and the lows, so low. Yet despite this slanted scale, we will always seek love? Maybe that is why they call it “falling”, because we journey to the top of the mountain and enjoy the view from the top, yet, slowly we begin to fall off the cliff. Some of us grow our wings on the way down; some of us fall from grace. So, can we love unconditionally? I wonder. In a relationship between a man/woman and a dog, I think there can be unconditional love, because a dog will never judge you, let you down, lie to you, pretend to be anything other than who they are. A dog will always be true. They do not hide behind walls, or try to trick you. I am beginning to believe that people, tend think too much. We question ourselves too much, or over think things and negate the pureness of love. If only we could be more like a dog we might learn to interpret love……..with complete and utter pureness. Honestly, I do not know the answer to the question of unconditional love……….. What I do know is this; live each moment with intensity and embrace with open arms these precious little sparkles of joy, for love is fearfully fascinating and exciting.

Who Do You Think You Are?

2008-02-02T18:37:00.000-08:00

Today I discovered something magical and rather riveting about my family heritage. All my life I have been told that, I am descendent from Australian, Spanish and English on my mother’s side of the family and, Irish, Scottish on my father’s side.

History tells us that when the Queen of England had ownership of Australia, the residents of England did not want to migrate to an uncharted-foreign place; so in efforts to establish Australia, the Queen decided to send people who committed any kind of crime (as minor as stealing a loaf of bread) to Australia, which was originally established as a penal colony. All my life I thought, my great, great, great relatives were in fact, criminals! However, today I have discovered an important part of my heritage that astounds and amazes me!

I came across this new information because, my cousin is a huge singer, songwriter in Australia and her career and celebrity there are massive. She has been an Australian superstar since she was 16 years old. Recently, Australian television invited her to participate in a new show called, “Who Do You Think You Are?” The show sets out to find out if Kate, my cousin, knows her heritage. Now, my heritage and Kate’s heritage are the same, on my mother’s side. Kate is my mothers, sisters, daughter. I watched the show tonight and I am blown away to discover why most of my family are driven towards the arts. It turns out….it is in our blood….literally….

On both sides of my family there are numerous, musicians or painters. I have always been compelled to paint. I mean it is a compulsion. Just something I could always do. Some of my earliest and fondest memories are of staying with grandmother and painting with her for hours and hours. She would let me use her oil paints, which was a big deal….Since I was only 8 years old and my mother would only let me paint with water colors, because I made such a mess…but my grandmother, she let me have at it with the oil paints. I remember my first serious painting I did at her house; it was a black and white window with light shining through. I wish I knew where that was today. I was always proud of it.

I have always been told that my great, great, great grandfather, (on my grandfathers side) was a Spanish sailor who came to Australia in the 1800’s and committed mutiny. It turns out; he was in fact an Englishman, invited to Australia to teach music and art at a prestigious all girls’ school in Tasmania. He was a famous portrait artist and musician. His portraits actually hang in the Australian Museum. Who would have ever known! I am not a descendent of Spanish sailor, or criminal! In fact, I have no Spanish blood at all……..It is still a mystery to me why I tan so easily…never once have I had a burn….I have always tanned….just naturally go brown…that is strange considering that I am English, Irish and Scottish…..maybe it’s that weird Australian mongrel in me………

His name was Henry Mundy. http://www.balgal.com/?id=mundyhenryportraitof The story of my great, great, great grandfather is not without scandal…as is with most of my family! He fell in love with one of his students, Lavina Lord, my great, great, great grandmother, she was merely 16 years old, he was 20 years her senior. He was fired from the school and had to work full time as a portrait artist, but during the great depression, when work was scarce, he became so depressed, he committed suicide on March 24th, 1848. Sad to think that his angst towards his passion to paint and the arts was overthrown by money problems...really, sad….

I am blown away………this truly amazes me………that our DNA can actually have influence over who we become and what interests we are drawn to in this life……….. blood is thicker than water~

Lights, Camera……Oh My……

2008-01-30T12:19:00.000-08:00

Sometimes in life we hear things that we don’t like and can take these words very personally and despite our best effort to have tough skin, they hurt. Last night my photographs were critiqued in class and it was absolutely brutal…..brutal… ….especially since I was feeling confident that I had done a decent job for my first assignment. First off, they were projected on a ten foot screen, and my own initial reaction upon seeing them this big was…yuk…..That looks like crap. Therefore, it was no surprise that Jones, my teacher, had nothing nice to say about them either. In fact, probably his lack of words and body reaction certified how unimpressed he was. Now, Jones is a; grey haired, hat wearing, Vietnam Vet, beer drinking, chain smoking, full of life, quick witted, great story teller and a no “B.S” kind of guy – a character straight out of a movie . He reminds me of an old Indiana Jones armed with a camera, instead of a whip. He's been a professional photographer since he has 19 years old, and knows his business. Anyway, I see my errors and I understand exactly what he is talking about, but it hurt my ego nonetheless. The photographs from the other students received similar reactions, and his critiques were spot on, there was not one picture where I thought he was being too harsh, but rather thought it was constructive criticism, but when the critic falls on something you’ve created, it can be hard to remove the rose colored glasses.

As I left class and drove out of the parking lot, I was experiencing a physical reaction that I can best describe as shaken, not stirred….and not the 007 persona of confidence with martini in hand, but as if I was the martini inside that silver cylinder being thrashed up and down, then poured into a glass and swallowed whole. I had to remind myself that I am a student of photography and shouldn’t be so hard on myself and actually try and learn something from this dreadful experience. I mean these were the first pictures I took whereby I actually set my camera on Manual and had to figure out the lighting and composition in relation to my lens and all that jazz…..all this technical stuff to do with a camera gets my mind in a flurry. Jones talks a million miles a minute about f-stops and shutter speeds, in comparison to the distance of the subject , in relation to the light and equivalencies being in multiples and oh my……. I understand it in theory, but need to understand it like I understand the alphabet. So, like any good student, I will be doing a lot of homework this week to engrain these concepts in my mind so that they become second nature to me. I won’t let this brutal experience detour me from doing what I love…it will only make me work harder, learn more and strive to be better. I guess I’ve forgotten what it is like to fail on a test in school….

To be or not to be

2008-01-26T19:14:00.000-08:00

There are days when we feel on top of the world, when everything is aligned and the stars seem to shine just for us. Those days when magic happens, when lighting couldn’t strike us down, when bouncing up and down on the bed seems like a minor expression of how we’ve grown, loved, accomplished, gained, or triumphed.

And some days we feel so low that getting out of bed can feel like a chore. When these days occur, I feel ashamed and guilty, especially when I have so much to be grateful for. You know, I have two hands, two legs, a functional brain and all that – so why, like today, when I am merely sick, my nose red raw, my back aching from coughing and sneezing like I have epilepsy and feeling overly emotional, why, do I feel guilt because I don’t want to get out of bed? I don’t want to have to make breakfast for my daughter, I don’t feel like making her brush her teeth, I don’t feel like drawing pictures, I don’t want to do the dishes, or make the beds -- I just don’t feel like it. But the guilt overwhelms me, so I get up and do it anyway, and cried the entire time, feeling downright sorry for myself. Now I feel guilty that I am crying in front of my kid. I tell myself to toughen up and pull myself together……you’re a mother for god sake; this is your responsibility, your duty.

Being a single mother is no walk in the park, and my hat goes off to all single mothers around the world. Most female animals raise their young alone, with a rare exception of Emperor Penguins, who mate for life and raise their young together. So, my hat goes off to male Emperor Penguins as well. Actually, I think the American Indians had the right idea about rearing their young within the tribe. Everyone had a responsibility to these children and the child was never without guidance or learning something new from someone within their tribe. Maybe the hippies had the right idea by living in communes, except for the drug use. There are many cultures around the world that live in tribes. What has happened to American society that has pushed us so far away from these values, that living amongst our tribe is ‘unacceptable’? Now we are just a bunch of individualized, free thinking, ambitious, rushing to accomplish something, self important society, that we’ve forgotten how to rear our young within a tribe. Or, maybe it’s just big city living that individualizes us. We all live in little boxes, drive little boxes, shop in little boxes and live for ourselves, instead of some structured social hierarchy. Ok, maybe I am just venting a little because today I wish I could lie in my bed and have someone looking after me for a change - without feeling guilty.

As I write these words now, I can’t contain the tears rolling down my face because I am frustrated and…….… lonely. There it is….the “L” word…..Well, sometimes the truth hurts, to my own ears it sounds like fingernails scrapping down a chalk board. I am trying so hard to be independent and seek my own life, and live it the way I want to live it, but for some reason, I hate doing it alone. I don’t think we’re designed to do it alone; we’re designed to be part of a tribe, to share it…..all of it…the good and the bad.

Shakespeare said, “To be, or not to be, that is the question.” Well, my answer is……I would rather be, all that I can be and sometimes that’s lonely, frustrated and downright having a bad day, than not to be, anything I am not.

I did eventually pull up my boot straps and get my sorry ass out of bed and took my girl to Venice, which did make me feel better. She got to scooter her buns off, while I sat on the beach and took photos. Actually it was kind of funny, because as she zoomed around on her scooter with the other skater kids, her eyes taking it all in, she said, “mom…… l like Venice. I want to live here.” Maybe she found her tribe!

It’s Raining……Still

2008-01-24T19:38:00.001-08:00

It’s been raining for days and the wind is howling like an old wolf. LA is getting a good old fashion wash, and for once in a long while, we get a break from that terrible smog and pollution that we are all so accustomed to.

The last few days I’ve been cooped up inside with a horrible cold, you know the one where your head feels like it could explode, sinuses are stuffy, cant swallow because your throat is so swollen and a constant chill running through your bones…..the kind that really sucks. Today I thought I would have some relief, but after being up all night with my daughter while she complained that her legs hurt, her back hurt, her nose hurt, her head hurt and I think even a pinky finger hurt, just to make sure I knew how ‘badly’ she hurt……. I was bound for yet another day stuck inside, nursing myself and my daughter back to health. Oh where is my own mother when I need her?

By around 1pm, the intense desire to get outside and away from the four walls of my apartment plagued me until we were both bundled up, red noses, tissues and camera in tow, we headed for the PCH. The rain was pouring hard as we drove along the coast, the swells were huge, the ocean grey, sea gulls being thrown about in the angry winds, as we sat warm and cozy blowing our noses raw.

Couldn’t resist stopping and taking a few pictures along the way, like this photograph; it’s really dark and eerie. Too bad the rain spotted my lens on most of the pictures, but at least I got outside today, even if it is raining……still…..

As a little girl I used to hate the rain
Rain put an end to games I'd love to play
Rain meant running off the beach
And spoilt a perfect day
As a little girl the rain was not my friend
Picnics were out no pretty clothes to wear
Rain meant staying In all day
Or ruining my hair

But I guess I'm changing with the years
Cause now I love the rain it clears the air
Making mirrors out of sidewalks
Painting rainbows everywhere

Dreams of Fascination

2008-01-21T16:04:00.001-08:00

Cloudy Sky
Originally uploaded by Trisha Conley

“A proper knowledge of life is a key to explain the phenomena of fascination.”

We’ve all thought about the subject of dreams and wondered how come when our heads hit the pillow and we slip into unconsciousness, the picture theatre show starts rolling, the one we’re writing, producing, directing and staring in. Often, like a forgettable movie, we wake up and have no recollection of having seen the show, while on other nights we can be jolted straight out of bed, with perspiration dripping down our face from a nightmare that we’ve been falling off a 100 story building, yet in the morning we can’t remember what startled us, and other times we wake up calmly and immediately remember the entire show vividly.
Dreams are rather interesting because we can’t see pictures this way when we are awake, the only pictures that fill the scene are the ones we take walking around, looking through our eyes. But, when we close our eyes, it’s as if new methods of seeing come into view. Are the images different or the same? Is it imagination or reality? We are exposed to all our senses when we are awake, like today when I woke up and made my morning cup of Joe, I can smell the brewing beans and it sets off ‘pleasure’ sensation inside my body and the sound of the coffee pot percolating, fires up the anticipation to hear the “beep”, which tells me its ready and when the cup finally hits my lips, I can feel the warmth as it travels down my throat and lands in my tummy. Now, if I were dreaming all this, I don’t have all those other senses, or do I?
I don’t dream that often, but if I do, I seldom remember them in the morning, however, the last couple of weeks I’ve been having a reoccurring dream. I don’t ‘feel’ anything physical from my dream, it is only pictures, but because it has occurred several nights in a row, I decided to have a look on the Internet and see if my reoccurring dream has any kind of meaning, other than my own interpretation. I am unsure if I believe in all this dream interpretation stuff, but I am open to question it. Some things are meant to be kept private, so I won’t divulge all the details, just bits and pieces. Scenes from my dream contain; my bed, hands, wetness, eyes, and love. Now I know that sounds very erotic, but I assure you it is not. The following is the Internet’s interpretation of my homemade movie and maybe the plot will thicken.
“To dream that you are in the bedroom signifies aspects of yourself that you keep private. It also represents feelings regarding your intimate relationships. When the main feature of your dream was the beauty of the eyes, the meaning is that you can count on the sincere love of those who matter to you. Hands represent your relationship to those around you and how you connect with the world. Hands serve as a form of communication. Perhaps you need to extend a helping hand to someone. In particular, the left hand symbolizes your graciousness and feminine, receptive qualities. The right hand symbolizes masculine, active attributes. A dream of love suggests intense feelings carried over from a waking relationship. It implies happiness and contentment with what you have and where you are in life. To dream you are wet signifies spirituality.”
Fascinating…..but what does it mean? If my dream hadn’t been a dream and I had actually experienced it in the physical world, it wouldn’t mean anything, other than an experience I just had, but because it’s a dream, this movie – should it have greater meaning and deeper significance?
For some reason, I am reminded of a French movie I once saw, called A Pure Formality, written and directed by Roman Polanski, most of the movie is filmed in one room and Gerard Depardieu, is being held in a police station being interrogated about a murder, it’s a very clever plot because he doesn’t realize that he’s about to confess his own murder, his suicide, and recall all the events that lead up to it. However, once freed from his shame and guilt and the realization that he’s dead and killed himself, the only thing he wants to take with him into the afterlife, are his photographs, his pictures, his memories.
At the end of my life, when I’m a 102, that’s all I want to take with me, my roll of film engrained with every picture I ever took throughout my life – all the beauty I’ve seen through my eyes and dreams, no matter what they mean.

Five Senses

2008-01-18T13:40:00.000-08:00

I decided to make some simple changes in my life, and start doing more things that are completely selfish, indulgent, creative, challenging, fun, enjoyable, and interesting, with the purpose that these changes will expand my horizon and force me to break the daily routine of everyday living. This is a challenge for me, as I find it very easy to get into a rhythm and wind up going in circles doing the same stuff over-and-over again, and never looking out beyond the horizon or stepping over the boundaries to see what might be on the other side. One change I made is starting three classes, two photography courses, and a writer’s workshop. I feel like a fish out of water, sitting in a little chair, with a little desk attached, with my little note pad in hand, writing down every word the teacher says as if my life depends on it, in a room with a bunch of strangers. I am so out of my element and that it is a little scary, but also exhilarating. My head is being filled with new ideas and thoughts and I am having trouble keeping it organized, so, if I sound like a scatter brain, it’s because I am a right now, I can feel my brain cells firing up zipping around in there, but this is a good thing, for the moment anyway.

Writing does not come naturally to me, in fact, I have a hard time with it, and last night my class was about writing confessional style and incorporating the five senses: taste, sound, touch, smell, and sight. My task this week; write about something that fascinates me……where do I begin? Hmmmm…....too may fascinating things…I have to ponder this a little more.

Anyway, last night, while I was standing in the elevator, contemplating my own new experiences, and how uncomfortable it feels to be trying new things, I started thinking about how hard it is to be an artist and how isolating it is to be constantly coming up with new methods, mediums, words, or whatever, to communicate to the rest of the world an idea or concept that will hopefully impact a point of view, or change the way we look at the world, or experience life, or make us smile or feel something that maybe we haven’t felt in a long time, while at the same time digging deep into our own backyard and producing something so personal and private. Yet, for most artists, I imagine it is a compulsion and desire so strong, that doing anything else is simply debilitating to their soul.

I find it incredibly brave when people can expose themselves honestly and write about how they really feel or share a private experience, without regard to what someone else might think about the words left on the page, or like when you go to the theatre and see a performer who has exposed themselves so openly, that your left with a scar of shame or embarrassment because you have witnessed something so private and you wish could be that brave and throw yourself out there like that.

Anyway, I am not sure where I am going with all this, except that I wish I could be more like that, learn to expose myself and not be worried about what someone else might think. Maybe the little changes I am making will help me get there and although they may seem like baby steps, these ‘little’ changes are actually ‘big’ leaps in a new direction

This is from a magnet on my fridge - I am adopting it as my new modus operandi:

Live with intention
Walk to the edge
Listen hard
Practice wellness
Play with abandon
Laugh
Choose with no regret
Continue to learn
Appreciate your friends
Do what you love
Live as if this is all there is

Assignment

2008-01-13T17:55:00.000-08:00

Started a photography class last Tuesday and have been working hard to keep my head above water with all that technical aspect and really try learn this stuff; f-stops, exposure, filtration, shutter speeds, lighting, composition, etc, etc...My first "assignment" was to pick a theme, take 10 pictures with different lighting and composition, etc. On Tueday my pictures will be shown in front of about 40 students and Jones, my teacher - he says he doesn't have a first name. Yikes. I am really nervous that my pictures are crap, but that doesn't really matter if I actually learn something......

My theme, a red chair and foot traveling through the seasons.........don't ask me how I came up with that one, because I have no idea.........So, I borrowed a red chair from Design Within Reach and my cousin, Zoe's foot and traveled around LA finding different locations to show the different seasons. A little bit if a challenge, since LA has only 'one' season, but, I pulled it off in 2 days...not too bad. I'll keep you posted on how it goes on Tuesday.

Other than that, I think I have found a place to live for a while...more on that once I know more...

Innocence

2008-01-06T21:38:00.000-08:00

Today I took my eight year-old daughter to the Geffen Museum of Contemporary Art to see an exhibition by a Japanese Artist named, Murakami. He does Japanese pop art, sculptures, and videos, which are completely intriguing for kids and adults. However, in particular there were two sculptures titled, Milk and Cream. A man and woman, naked holding there private parts, excreting, well…milk and cream. My daughter immediately started laughing, as kids do and said, “Mom, I understand my She’s called milk, but why is He called cream? Shouldn’t he be called Pee, but why is it white?” Well….my heart skipped a beat in a state of slight panic and bewilderment, thinking quickly on my feet, I said, “look over here at this cool painting honey…isn’t this one great….look how cute this is.” However, I could still see my daughters face deep in thought, wonderment, and curiosity trying to solve this riddle of the ‘cream’. As we continued to walk through the exhibition, she asked me several more times about it, and as before, I used the method of distraction. I know my child well enough to know that she is going to ask me about it later and now I am distracted trying to conceive of ways to answer her innocent question.

We then enter the video exhibition and see an animated cartoon in Japanese which is about POO……OH MY. For anyone who knows my daughter, they know she has a fascination with POO and PEE. She laughed louder and harder than anyone did. I thought to myself, well thank goodness, I am probably off the hook now and she will forget about the sculpture. I try never to lie to my child about anything, even the tough questions our innocent little beauties ask. When she asked me if I was Santa Clause, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy, I always ask her what she thinks and if she is convinced, I say, “well…. there is your answer honey.” When she asked me how babies are made, I came up with a very expectable answer, which did not involve any graphic details, but was not a lie. I don’t believe in lying to my child because one day she’s going to find out the truth and she’ll never believe a thing I say ever again. This would crush me…so; I do not lie to her. Nevertheless, I am praying she does not ask me about this sculpture, because I still haven’t conjured up an acceptable answer, without lying….

True to form, at the end of the exhibition, she tells me her favorite display was the video about POO……no surprise there…... and….. Milk and Cream. My heart does another leap…Oh please…..don’t ask me. Mind you, I can’t help smiling the entire time, because I can see her innocent mind working overtime trying to figure it out for herself. Then to my utter delight, she says to me, “Mom…I figured out why he’s called cream. He drank her milk and his Pee turned white.” I smiled, and told her how smart she was for figuring that out! I laughed and smiled all the way back to the car and am giggling right now…I got a live one! Glad she figured that out!

http://www.moca.org/murakami/

You can have a look at Milk and Cream for yourself at this website!

Tonight as I lay next to her, I could feel her staring at me, she reached over and took my hand in hers and said, “I love you more than anything in the entire world mommy.” My heart exploded and as we lay there together, I cannot help but think how I am her entire world. I am her everything. What a responsibility I have. To teach her to be her own person, to guide her to find her own beliefs, show her the difference between right and wrong, shield her from hate and sorrow, to show her the beauty in the world, protect her, keep her safe, love her..….and the list could go on all night long….these thoughts fill me with wonderment, joy, fear, doubt and hope… that I do a good job.

Wishing Fairies

2008-01-03T13:31:00.000-08:00

Wishing Fairies

When I was a little girl, my mother told me that if you blew on these little fairies and made a wish, that your wish would come true. I always believed everything my mother said, 'when I was little'.........nonetheless, whenever I see one of these I will usually pick it, blow and make a wish. I made a wish yesterday on this little fairy. Wishing is something we should all do from time-to-time, but as I've grown older and hopefully wiser, I realize that I am the only one who can make my wishes come true.

As my new life unfolds, I feel as though I am standing on a game board at START! Now, I am rolling the dice and will move forward in leaps! Well, if I fall down the ladder now and again...I'll just roll again and get back up.

After all, life is a game right?

In this New Year, I am slowly making progress on my wishes and growing my wings. I shopping for a house. I am going to be very picky about this house, as it will become a home where all creative souls are welcome, a sanctuary, a place that will be all mine, a place to create my new life. Key elements to my new pad will be; Big open kitchen that opens up to a magical yard, art-room, fire place, high ceilings, close to shops and the beach. So, cross your fingers that it's out there and I can afford it! I have enrolled in 2 classes - a photography class and a writing workshop. I start on Tuesday! I am excited about both of these classes, as I haven't attended a school in probably 20-years.....

This year I have decided that my life will be a journey of learning, creating, travel, happiness, love and independence.

I will not go where the path may lead.

I will go where there is no path and leave a trail!

Coming Home

2007-12-31T10:47:00.000-08:00

Coming home to my little artist

I arrived home yesterday after 22 days of the most fabulous adventure in my life. I followed my heart and advice from wise loved ones and have grown in ways I never imagined. New life and breath have entered my soul and the calm that waives over me is refreshing.

Soon it will be a New Year and the universe is screaming with excitment. Many loved ones are on a new path and walking this journey of life. Sometimes it gets rough and other times its easy, but they continue to put one foot in front of the other, with the hope that a new door will open and just around the corner the light will shine brighter.

I have many resolutions for the New Year and even though the changes I seek are only from one day - to the next, it holds much significance to be able to start fresh - in a New Year and to make it better than the rest.

Wishing everyone a glorious New Year and may all your dreams and desires come true.

Its a New Year
a new day

even though its only time that has changed

we follow our hearts

we follow our dreams

to begin again

down paths unseen

we resolve to change the bad to good

a New Year will be magic

if we only believe

and travel down paths we've never seen

to follow our hearts

and chase our dreams

Melbourne

2007-12-27T02:59:00.000-08:00

It's been a while since I have posted anything, mainly because it has been a mad-house! People are coming and going all day long. Its been wonderful to see all the flurry of activity. The house is completely full, every room, nook and cranny stuffed full with people from all over the world.

I used to be upset about the thought of having my family spread out all over the world, however now I realize that I can almost go to any country and have a place to stay. So far, my family extend around this planet starting with; Australia, Hong Kong, Edinburgh, London, Paris and Los Angeles. Not to bad to have these places to visit and have free accommodation.

Christmas Day here was an absolute riot! I have not laughed so hard in my entire life. Everyone had to perform, sing, dance, play an instrument or act. One of the girlfriends is from China and she wins the award for best performance. She did a rendition of Mary had a little lamb, as deaf, dumb, blind Chinese girl. There is no way to explain how funny this actually was, but luckily I have the dvd of it. SNL can eat there hearts out, because she was funnier than anyone on that cast - and she's a lawyer. Oh my goodness....so wonderful. Luckily for me, I arrived late, so didn't perform.. Wouldn't be able to top this girl, that's for sure!

I've been catching up with a lot of friends which has been amazing. Going out and having a great time. Melbourne is such a dicotomy to LA, espcially the people. Everywhere I go, people are just being themselves. No one is being pretenious or trying to look good for anyone but themselves. I am sure there are people like that here, but not in the masses I find in LA. It's very liberating to see so many people just out to enjoy each others company, instead of "being seen, or 'scene'."

Today I drove around Melbourne on the wrong side of the road, in my head I had to say to myself, "stay to the left, stay to the left" and every time I got into drive, I sat in the passenger seat..ha ha...I was pulled over by the police, a routine check-point, and they checked my licence and registration. It was pretty humorous becasue, this morning when I left the house, my cousin threw me a set of keys and said, "take THE SAAB". (There are alot of people who live in this house and a lot of cars) so when the police "lady" asked me, who the car was registered to and address, etc. I had no idea who's car I was driving and no papers. I am glad she didn't book me for driving a stolen car! Luckily she believed my story and let me go saying "enjoy the rest of your holiday and hope you come back soon".

Melbourne is the most amazingly colorful and exciting cities I have seen for many years. Even though I was born here, today I went and explored. I walked around the city taking pictures all day long. I have never really stopped and noticed all the artistic architecture before and today I was amazed at how this city has incorporated the old buildings, with the new modern ones. Really something to see. There is art pouring out of this place. I don't think there is anywhere you can go and won't find some form of art...

I have eaten all the Australia food necessary to sustain me until next time I come, like: 4 and 20 pie, twisties, sausage rolls, pasties, chips, vegimite toast, chocolate and all the rest of things I grew up with and now I am completely satisfied that I will not need to eat anything for a long, long, time.

Can't wait to get home now. Only a few days left! Even though it will be lonely back in LA, I am happy to create a wonderful new life for myself and create a hub where all are welcome! Very exciting stuff...

Christmas Eve

2007-12-23T22:36:00.000-08:00

The little tree

It's Christmas eve today and it is like any other day of the week. Christmas afternoon, I will leave Noosa and fly to Melbourne to see my other family for Christmas dinner. A jet set Christmas, but exciting to be in two places on the same day. Today has been like any other day in Noosa. Relaxed, people coming and going, lots of food, walks on the beach, shopping, coffee at the cafe, coming and going, relaxing....The thing I have enjoyed the most about today is that there is no fuss or muss over presents and gifts. Christmas here is more about, where are we going and what are we eating". I made my famous guacamole dish today and as usual, it was devoured. Love that.

I am really missing Madison a today and we have already talked on the phone a couple of times. For some reason, today was the first time since I left LA, I am really, really home sick for her. All of a sudden she sounds so grown up and we talk to one another as if we are friends. She is so cute and has a calendar that she has been crossing off with the days remaining until I come home - 7 days left! I have no idea where the time has gone...

Although I have had the most incrediable time and my journeys have been delightful and theraputic, I am starting to get the picture more clearly and understand that my life isn't waiting to begin....it has begun and there is no right or wrong path, only the path we are on. And the path is always an adventure!

The Gathering

2007-12-22T20:09:00.000-08:00

My Cousin Ben and Me (I am so short) THE GATHERING

The gathering started at sunset with bottles of champagne, familiar faces and lots of talking and laughing. After more than 17 years, I am sitting with my family who have flown in from all over the world to have Christmas together. I didn't realize how many girls there are in my family. Its dominated by girls. We all have different accents, which is hilarious. English, Australia and American accents float around the table and for a moment I sit back and listen to all the sounds and observe all the personalities and I realize that we absolutely come from the same crop. Its strange that even though our lives have been so different, we are so similar.

The party didn't end until 2am this morning and like good Australians, today we are taking it easy and tonight we'll start all over again!

Oh..and if you haven't noticed, I am the shortest of them all. I don't know how that happened, but as you can see from the photo of me standing next to my cousin Ben, I am tiny......

Happy Birthday Sophia

2007-12-21T16:43:00.001-08:00

THE CONLEY WOMEN

Sophia, Trisha and Dianne

Today Sophia is 26 years old. Happy Birthday Darling.

We all woke up early this morning to take whats called ""the walk". The walk takes you all the way around Noosa's coast and forests. It starts out as a magical forest that leads to the nude beach, then winds up to Hells Gate and down to the shops for breakfast. The walk takes us 2 hours and it was hard work. We ate breakfast at The Deck and and came home. Now its time to relax and have a nap before my 3 cousins and aunt arrive from Edinburgh in about an hour. Then we have a b'que for Soph's birthday and watch the sunset with a bottle of champagne on the beach later tonight. I am to tired to write and the humidity and heat has my mind feeling numb.

Australia

2007-12-20T15:39:00.000-08:00

I finally made it to Noosa Beach Australia after some delays getting out of Fiji. Noosa is a small beach community on the Gold Coast where the woman radiate natural beauty, the men are toned and tan from surfing, the weather tropical and warm, cockatoos and Rosella birds fly around in the hundreds, Koala Bears sit in their gum trees munching on leaves in the middle of town and the people are friendly, relaxed and not in a hurry. This place is a slice of heaven and I immediately feel HOME!

Last night I sat with my beautiful aunt Dianne, and stunning cousin, Sophia drinking wine and gabbing on like old friends. I feel so comfortable here that I am already looking at property for sale. Well, maybe in my dreams, but can't hurt to dream right! The lifestyle here is so easy and the people so laid back and creative that last night I fell right into place and Sophia and I were tearing up and smiling because of all the beauty in the world - maybe it was the wine and the moment, but who cares..... it was magic!

Garden of the Sleeping Giants

2007-12-18T01:06:00.000-08:00

The Path

Took it today while visiting the Garden of the Sleeping Giants.

Reflection

2007-12-17T00:38:00.000-08:00

Another tropical storm passes through Fiji today. It is pouring and I mean pouring with rain, wind, thunder, and lighting, as I sit with my windows wide open, curtains flapping wildly, and the balmy heat flows through. I feel a sense of calm, yet sadness. Tomorrow will be last day in Fiji and the time as flashed past me. My next stop - Noosa Beach, Australia, where I will visit aunts and cousins, some of whom I haven’t seen in at least 17- years. I am looking forward to some family time now.

Today I have been reflecting on my reasons to come to Fiji - to heal wounds, escape a world wind of turbulence of a past life and the hopes that my journey will help navigate my way to my own place in this world. For the first time in my life, I am standing naked and free to explore myself, as a woman, mother, lover, creative soul, and free spirit - a terrifying moment in life, yet an opportunity to be brave and open.

It is unclear if coming to Fiji has provided the answers to the questions I have been searching for and today tears weep from my eyes, reluctant, yet expected. I have embraced this time alone to be an explorer of this beautiful place, and the freedom to explore my own mind, body, and soul, but realize that life is nothing if experienced alone. Fiji has reminded me that I have a lot to be grateful for in my life and although the journey may be bitter sweet, I will never regret yesterday and will always strive for a better tomorrow.

Fiji Time

2007-12-16T12:51:00.000-08:00

MALA MALA ISLAND
Today I boarded a small boat and traveled to Mala, Mala Island. This island is uninhabited and the only thing to do there is eat, drink, swim, snorkel, or lay in the sand.

I of course choose to do all of them. Firstly, I snorkeled along the coral reef that surrounds this tiny island. It was spectacular as the reef is relatively shallow, but the drop off is spooky. I keep looking down at this drop off into oblivion hoping a shark wasn’t lurking about. We saw a shark from the boat, so I know they are out there. I have an extreme fear of sharks and even when I am swimming in a pool I think that a shark might just pop out of nowhere. My braveness is stiffening since I have embarked on my journey and I am learning to face my fears, one-at-a-time. No shark appears as I snorkel, at least I didn’t see him if he was out there.

Then I eat, drink, swim, and lay in the sand. Surprisingly I did this for 6 hours. In Fiji, there is “Fiji Time” and “No Fiji Time”. Fiji Time of course means, there is no such thing as time and no need to rush, hurry or be somewhere. When you wait for a bus and it is late, the boys at reception smile and say “Fiji Time Ah!” -- No Fiji time means you need to be at the airport to make your flight. Most brochures for tours or excursions will be specific as to whether it is Fiji time or No Fiji time. Today – I am on Fiji time.

Everyone should experience Fiji Time - it is blissfully therapeutic, and my day on Mala Mala was just that.

Is there a doctor in the house?

2007-12-14T15:21:00.000-08:00

Kava…oh….Kava

As it turns out, maybe I should not have offered to drink the Kava. The night has been long and miserable. As I lay in my bed rocking back-and-forth, my stomach extremely mad at me. No need to explain the details, but this has been the longest and most miserable night of my life.

As soon as the sun rises, I call the front desk and ask if there is a doctor in the house? I explain how I feel and she informs me that I must immediately phone Dr. Raju and see him as soon as possible. She also informs me that he is the 'best' and 'only' doctor in town.

I force myself to shower and get dressed and drag my aching body to the lobby and ask for a taxi. I get in and ask the driver to please take me to Dr. Raju. No need to give him an address, as my driver knows where to take me. Dr. Raju sees me immediately, listens to my stomach with his stethoscope, feels my belly, and says, “My dear, you have a classic case of travelers, 'you know what'….and you will need anti-biotic to kill those bugs in your tummy”, and he hands me a brochure. I tell him that I drank the Kava yesterday at a village and he says, “Well then, no more Kava for you young lady”, and sends me on my way with anti-biotic in hand.

Ahh….the joy’s of travel….but I won't let this detour me from having another adventure, but maybe today it will be in the day-spa!

Castaway

2007-12-14T01:04:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I decided I would explore the islands of Fiji, so I booked myself on the South Sea Cruise to Modriki Island, where they filmed the movie Castaway with Tom Hanks. This film holds much significance to me personally, as like Tom Hank’s character, at the end of the movie he is standing at a crossroads and has to choose which road to take. One leading to the women who painted the angels and the other is unknown. I can’t remember the ending now…as to which road he chooses, but I think his choice is clear, or at least I hope.

So, this morning I wake up early to catch my bus to the dock, where I will board my vessel. The journey will take many hours as we stop at other islands to pick up and drop off other passengers. Some of these islands we stop at are so small you could probably walk the perimeter less than 30 minutes. We finally arrive at a small island called Mana and board a Schooner, which will take us to Modriki. Aboard our vessel, the “Sea Spray’, are 10 couples and me, the oddity…

First our journey will take us to a Fijian island village. The Sea Spray anchors and a small boat takes us ashore to a small village. We are told by our captain to cover up and remove our hats and he asks us if there are any volunteers to drink the Kava as a sign of trust, which will allow is to trespass upon this village. I raise my hand, but it goes unnoticed and two men are chosen to do the honor. Kava holds a very significant tradition for the Fijians, and you can never enter a village without it. Kava is a pepper and has been used as a stress reliever. Its properties combat depression, reduce anxiety, and lower blood pressure.

We enter the village and are taken to a ceremonial room, where the Chief sits along side some other villagers. The two men drink the Kava, clap their palms three times and we are welcomed to their village. The Chief asks us if anyone else would like to have the Kava. I move forward, feeling a sense of obligation and respect and a small boy stands before me, claps his palms three times, and hands me the Kava juice. I drink it and clap my hands three times as a sign of respect. Other than myself, there are only two other men (no woman) that take the Chiefs offer. I am not sure if I am stupid or, just being respectful. Oh well….I don’t feel any effects at all. None…It doesn’t taste very good, but I feel good that I honored the Chief.

I walk through the market and purchase a salt bowl, and now I feel I have paid enough respect to walk around the village and take some pictures. We only have 20 minutes with the villagers, so I hurry to take it all in.

The 10 lovebirds and me, board the little boat that takes us back to the Schooner and we are off to Modriki Island – also known as Castaway Island. We anchor and the Captain asks if anyone would like to jump overboard and swim ashore. I raise my hand, walk to the gate, my snorkel, and flippers in hand, and jump overboard. I assume there will be others that want jump overboard; however, I am the only one. So… I swim alone to Castaway Island, while the ‘lovebirds’ take a dingy.

I love snorkeling. There is an entire other universe under the ocean that is like being on another planet. I could very easily get lost floating around for days looking at all the amazing fish and coral. I love the way my body feels floating carelessly and the sound of my own breath and spying on the unknown universe below.

Much a do about nothing

2007-12-12T20:48:00.000-08:00

Today I sit under a palm tree with my book, i-pod and journal. I think about getting up and doing something, but I feel content to be here for a while.

I write in my journal, listen to music, and read my book.

Here are a few words I wrote about nothing and everything…

Life is a journey to experience
To learn, grow and be yourself
To look at the world with eyes wide open

See what is in front of you
Life is a journey no matter where you are
A journey of constant change

and the opportunity to explore

the beautiful possibilities

The thunder beacons and the clouds roll in

faster than a freight train
I sit alone in paradise
Will it rain or will the sunshine again
I sit alone in paradise
The wind blows harder, it blows my hat away, and I chase it
The thunder gets louder but I am not afraid
I feel you near me and feel safe again
Two thunderous lighting bolts light up the sky

and I watch this, as
I sit alone in paradise
The thunder continues to boom
but the sun always shines in paradise

Sorry to bore…but that’s all I did today…….

and now its pouring rain

Love, Peace and Family

2007-12-11T23:52:00.000-08:00

This morning I woke up and decided I would rent a car and go explore Fiji. I set off in my little Thirfty car with no direction in mind and as I drove away from my hotel, a smile appeared across my face for no apparent reason, or maybe a sense of freedom overcomes me.

As I drive thru the little town of Nadi, I realize how impoverished Fiji is. Cars are blowing fumes and there are very few tourists about. This morning over breakfast I heard that Fiji is suffering right now as tourism is their number one source of income (second to sugar cane) and due to internal fighting and a recent Cyclone miss, Fiji is baron of tourists. This is obvious as I drive thru the town of Nadi.

Once I get on the only road in Fiji, there is a very distinct change in scenery. It is tropical and green, with rolling hills and countryside, but along the road, there are brightly colored tin sheds, with freshly washed clothes hanging to dry, cows tied up along side the road and occasionally a man or boy carrying a machete. I become strangely intimidated by this scene and wonder how these beautiful, happy people live like this. I would have stopped and taken photos along the way, but somehow I thought it would be rude or imposing, or maybe I simply felt too vulnerable doing it alone.

I drive for maybe 2 hours and the scene hasn’t changed very much. I pass through another little town and see a sign with an arrow, which says, “To the Fort.” I decide to head up the road and have a look. It takes me about 20 minutes to drive up this little dirt road there isn’t a soul insight, no cars, no people, nothing… except for a horse, a stray dog and some chickens. I wonder if I should turn around… but I am being brave, so continue up the road. Once at the top, I discover that this is a “tourist attraction”, except there are none. This place is called, Tavuni Hill Fortification. The history says that it was established by a Tongan Chief named, Maile Letamani. He left Tonga to avoid dispute in the reigning Tui Pelehaki Family. He established this fort as a place of love and peace for his family. The surrounding area is still occupied by his descendants today.

So, my journey today led me to a special historical place for love, peace, and family…mmmmmm

FIJI

2007-12-10T19:32:00.000-08:00

My sister dropped me off at the Tom Bradley airport and after we said our good-byes I went, checked-in, and get my seat assignment. As it turns out, the flight is completely full and I have a middle seat. Yuck! I ask the woman politely if there would be any chance I could get a window seat. She tells me I have to speak to someone else. So, I do. The other woman tells me the flight is full, bla, bla, bla…so I decide to go out on a limb and ask if they could upgrade me to business class. Cheeky, I know. But, I have nothing to lose by asking. She looks at her computer, then up at me, and says, “We have a window seat in business class, would that be okay?” I say SURE! WOW! So, I guess if you ask the universe for something, you will receive it! I must have angels looking over my shoulder.

After going through all the checkpoints, I make my way to the waiting area at gate 104. All the different types of people waiting there surprise me. I guess I was expecting tourists, but very few look like tourists. Most look like native Fijians returning home. Some resemble newly weds embarking on their honeymoon. None resemble a blonde white girl from Brentwood going on a sabbatical, alone..

I start getting nervous and worried that I am making a bad decision. Maybe I should walk right on out of this waiting area, gate 104, and go straight home -right now. What am I doing? I say to myself…just sit tight and be brave, breathe, relax. But, I cannot – I am all nerves and my stomach is doing back flips. Why am I going to Fiji anyway? I can’t remember my exact thought process now. It seemed so logical at the time, and now I am crying in front of all these strangers for no good reason. Nevertheless, I pull my bootstraps up and I board the plane anyway.

Now I have flown 8,886 miles from LA to Nadi. I Step foot in Fiji at 6:30am. It is absolutely beautiful! The weather is tropical and the people are lovely and full of smiles. This place is stunning. I am ushered to a bus by a man named Bobby, who will be driving me to my hotel. I am wearing my boots (literally), because it was freezing in LA when I left and now I wish I had not.

The bus arrives at the hotel, and many “Hula’s” exchanged. A man named Sam shows me to my room and has already figured out that I am traveling alone on holiday. He says to me, “Maybe you meet a nice Fijian man and never leave”. I smile. Then he says, “Someone like me!” I smile and say “Thank you Sam and good-bye.”

Now I am starving, so quickly get something to eat, put on my bikini, and head out to the beach, and low and behold, my hammock awaits me, hanging between two perfect palm trees. The sky is blue, the water is perfect, and a slight breeze blows to ease the heat. I had better work on my tan a little bit, because I am the whitest person on this entire island. The sounds of birds chirping, wind blowing, and the ocean make me feel like I am in a Corona commercial. I am starting to relax…a little…

It’s Time

2007-12-09T08:35:00.000-08:00

Today I finally depart for Fiji. Yippy! My flight takes off at 10:30pm and I land in Fiji at 5:15am (2 days later). It is already tomorrow in Fiji. It will take 10 hours and 45 minutes to fly half way around the world. The other side of our earths equator. Ten hours is a long time to sit in an airplane, I have flown to Australia many times and that flight is 14 hours, so maybe this one won’t be so bad. I dislike long flights, but that’s all part of the adventure.

As usual, I’ve packed way to much stuff, especially since most of it will never even come out of my suitcase and I’ll wear the same thing over and over again. Oh well…this is one of my idiosyncrasy’s. The most important items, I am carrying in a backpack: my camera, my journal, my passport, my toothbrush, and lip-gloss.

When I step foot in this beautiful place called Fiji, I will smile and say, “Bula!” (Hello) and if someone asks me, “Where are you going?” I will say, “sega, gaade gaa.” Translated this means – “nowhere special, just wandering around”.

Oh….how fun this all is! Stay tuned. I will be posting everyday. I'm gonna have plenty of time!

HOW WILL YOU INDULGE TODAY?

2007-12-08T11:34:00.001-08:00

This is my auntie Jenny - my dad's sister. Last night we went and had a glass of wine at Casa Del Mar, which overlooks Santa Monica Beach. Jenny and I usually have our daughters running around when we are together and our conversations are often left midstream and later forgotten because we are interrupted to repair a scooter, or settle an argument. Tonight we had each other’s company exclusively. We gabbed until almost 2am. Way past our bedtime.

I remember being a complete brat at Jenny’s 21st birthday party...I was responsible for the keg and making sure each and every beer had the ‘perfect ‘head ‘ on it. I took this responsibility very seriously. I was 7 years old. (All Australians teach their young to pour a good beer). Back then our age difference seemed like an eternity, but now we sit and talk like old high school friends.

This brief moment made me think how important it is to take the time to know your family on an intimate level. To know ‘who’ they are as individuals, separate from holding the title of auntie, sister, or mother, but to know them as a fellow human being and love them.

So, today I indulge in this moment and tomorrow I will indulge in Fiji!

Fingers Crossed

2007-12-07T17:21:00.001-08:00

Looks like I might make it after all. The cyclone missed the big islands, but hit a small island, with a population of 100 people. No injury's - thank goodness.

CYCLONE IN FIJI

2007-12-07T10:50:00.000-08:00

Cyclone Daman - Category 4

Looks like I won't be going to Fiji..

Well maybe...keep you posted.

NADI, Fiji - A powerful cyclone packing wind gusts up to 155 mph pounded islands in northern Fiji on Friday (today), and officials feared many of the flimsy thatched homes of farmers and fishermen would be blown away.

"It's most likely going to be one of the severest cyclones to hit the country in recent times."

Insomnia In a Cloud

2007-12-06T14:17:00.000-08:00

Last night I could not sleep, as random thoughts were dancing around in my mind like a leaf on a windy day. As I lay in my cloud thinking one thought, I would say to myself, “oh..that’s a very clever thought, I must remember that in the morning”, but the next thing I know, I am already thinking about something else and ‘poof’, my very clever thought has disappeared into the wind.

One thought that I do remember is what a novice I am with words and as a writer. I read a book a couple of weeks ago called: The Four Agreements, an enlightening little book, with a powerful message. One of the Agreements is, “Be Impeccable With Your Word.” This concept had my mind racing all night long. “The word is not just a sound or a written symbol. The word is a force; it is the power you have to express and communicate, to think, and thereby to create the events in your life. The word is the most powerful tool you have as a human; it is the tool of magic. But like a sword with two edges, your word can create the most beautiful dream, or your word can destroy everything around you.”

This concept seems so sheepishly simply, yet I think it has many connotations. I won’t share all my thoughts about this passage, because it would be very long and arduous and kept me awake all night (and I am too tired). However, it did give me a new purpose, which is to become more educated about words and the expression for which I want to use them. Maybe in the near future, I will be able to articulate and share all my thoughts about this simple little concept, called the WORD.

Exiting Christmas

2007-12-05T17:43:00.000-08:00

Los Angeles is already in full swing…. the twinkle lights are up, Santa’s house is everywhere, and the Christmas trees are sparkling. The malls are jammed with a vortex of shoppers carrying brightly colored bags that make us want to purchase something.

Requests for my wish list are already beginning to roll in. So….. here it is:

If it’s handmade, by you - I want it
If you created it - I want it
If you painted it - I want it
If you wrote it – I want it
I will be just as happy to have nothing at all

For I am giving myself the very best gift….. 8 days in Fiji and 14 days in the Beautiful Land Down Under…where people eat vegemite sandwich’s, drink beer before noon, never pronounce the letter ‘R’ - as it takes up too much time and they always know how to smile and say “G’Day Mate”!

So, my dear friends, this year I am giving you the chronicles of my journey and if you’re lucky, I’ll bring you a sea shell from Fiji……. Or maybe a vegemite sandwich…yummy....

My Angel

2007-12-04T11:33:00.001-08:00

My Angel

“Five Sleeps” until I depart and I can already tell, they will be the slowest five days of my life. My desire to get away is pressing heavy on me, but also questioning my sanity.

When you’re questioning your own sanity, you should always talk to an Angel. So, last night I called my friend and we talked about the meaning of life, new journeys, and the roads less traveled. I am forever the optimist and dreamer, which can sometimes irritate her, but she is always so encouraging and understanding of my quirky views. She loves to laugh at my quick wit, and even in my despair, I can make her belly roll. I love this about Angelina. Last night I told her that I am feeling guilty about leaving for 22 days over Christmas, but my heart is telling me I am making the right decision – should I listen to my heart. My Angel says, “Honey…...22 days is a crazy long time, but go with purpose. Make decisions about what you want for ‘yourself’ and only ‘you’. Then come back and live your life exactly the way you want to live it. You always get what you want – I am behind you all the way.”

This is the true meaning of friendship

I Love you Angel

For Lucy

2007-12-03T15:41:00.001-08:00

LUCY

July 14th, 1994 - November 15th, 2007

This is Charlie Brown

This little guy stopped and posed for me today. I dedicate this picture to my Lucy, who at this very moment is chasing Charlie Brown around in doggie heaven, with a huge smile on her face!

This Day...

2007-12-03T09:11:00.000-08:00

Today is a special day for me. Exactly eight years ago, at 9:59am, I gave birth to my beautiful little girl. It is incredible that eight years has past, as I remember this moment as if it were yesterday. After an hour and a half of the most intense labor of my life (and they don’t call it labor for nothing), I held a delightful little soul in my arms and immediately forgot that there was any pain at all. Now she is eight years old. WOW! I love you more than anything in the entire universe.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MAD!

On another note, this day is also.....well....another day on the journey of life.

Have you ever met someone and discovered a kindred spirit? I have. It is a very profound feeling that overcomes you with knowing you feel understood, or having a commonality that bonds you, or feeling like there is no effort to put those Lego pieces together, because they just fit.

A friend put it simply to me one day. “Imagine” he said, “that you are born an Indian, but raised by a white family in the city. All your life you feel out of place and don’t feel quite at home. It’s not that you don’t like it. It just feels wrong. Then one day you find your way back to your Indian family. You make it back to your tribe, people that are your kind – you’re understood, because they are your tribe.”

For all artists and creative souls in the world who sometimes feel they are not understood or don't fit. Find your tribe..

This is a beautiful definition of the word "Tribe"

"in cultural anthropology, theoretical type of human social organization based on small groups defined by traditions of common descent and having temporary or permanent integration above the family level and a shared language, culture, and ideology. "

Happy travels Renaissance Man.......to new chapters, journeys and loving how beautful life is!

PARTY DAY!

2007-12-02T08:33:00.001-08:00

This is Coconut and Licorice

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MADISON!

The madness will begin in a few hours when twelve little monkeys will arrive to build some bears and sing the song we all want to hear today.

"Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday to you.

You look like a monkey and you smell like one too."

This is the song Madison wants everyone to sing :-)

This is gonna hurt like hell

2007-12-01T22:27:00.000-08:00

These words are from a song.
These words sum up all I am feeling tonight.

Hold on
Hold on to yourself
For this is gonna hurt like hell
Hold on
Hold on to yourself

You know that only time will tell
What is it in me that refuses to believe
This isn't easier than the real thing
My love you know that you're my best friend
You know I'd do anything for you
My love let nothing come between us
My love for you are strong and true

Am I in heaven here or am I...
At the crossroads I am standing

So now you're sleeping peaceful
I lie awake and pray
That you'll be strong tomorrow and we'll
See another day and we will praise it
And love the light that brings a smile across your face

Oh god if you're out there won't you hear me
I know that we've never talked before
Oh god the man I love is leaving

Am I in heaven here or am I in hell
At the crossroads I am standing

Hold on
Hold on to yourself
For this is gonna hurt like hell

What the Stars Say

2007-12-01T09:12:00.000-08:00

Each morning when I turn on my computer and open my email, there is a little box that pops up with words about my astrology for the day. I am an Aries. The Ram.

Before I say what it said, here are a few things to know about the Ram. They are:

Restless. Reckless. Impatient. Temperamental. Opinionated. Lustful. Impulsive. Blunt. Irresponsible. Impetuous. Over Confident. Quick Tempered. Jealous. Self-Indulgent. Competitive. Argumentative. Volatile. Head Strong.

So, today when I opened up my email here is what it said. I find it especially fitting today.

"Although you might not go anywhere today, you will likely be thinking of journeying to faraway lands and distant galaxies as Mercury in your 9th House activates your inner explorer. Watching a travelogue or trying foods from other cultures could be enough for now to satisfy your wanderlust."

Need I say more?

Chapter One

2007-11-30T14:04:00.000-08:00

Change

I am challenging myself to change almost all aspects of my life. Step away from things that are familiar to me and explore new elements of life. With all the desperation in my heart, I want to embrace these changes, whatever they may be. Nothing in this life can remain the same forever, for otherwise it becomes ever so dull and boring. Nonetheless, change can be terribly frightening; so, I will force myself to be brave and face my fear of the unknown.

My journey will begin in FIJI where I will arrive alone. I have never traveled alone before and I have certainly never traveled without rhyme or reason. I am excited about what I might discover about myself and what lessons life might have to teach me.

The plan is to land in Nadi, which is the big island of Fiji, find transport to my hotel, throw my suitcases on the floor, put on my bikini, walk to the beach, find a nice spot to lie in the sand (no towel), embrace the rays, and be alone with my own thoughts, or maybe read a good book. I plan to do this for eight whole days. My friends think I will probably get bored, but somehow I doubt it…..

I wrote these words a hundred years ago and I think this is a good reflection of what my journey will be about discovering:

The transition from being a child, to becoming an adult is a wild ride. It is a rude awakening to wake up one day and realize ‘oh my god I am an adult’. I have responsibilities, like; making money to pay the bills, going to bed at a decent hour, so you can get enough sleep to be up at 6am with the kids, pack the lunch boxes, have a shower, look in the mirror and do something with your hair and face that will make it look presentable to the world, feed the dog, walk the dog, take the kids to school, go to a job you hate, with people you hate.. all before 9am. Just so you can pick the kids up from school, come home, make dinner, do the dishes, clean the house, bath the kids, fight them to go to bed, just so you can have 5 minutes to sit by yourself and do nothing – then go to bed at a decent hour so you can be up at 6am with the kids…and do it all again. Being an adult can sometimes feel like a dog that chases its own tail around and around and around in circles and never reach it! Reach what? What are we reaching for?

I remember when I was a little girl, the world looked like a huge play ground – so much to see and explore. I remember dreaming of becoming the most beautiful ballerina in the entire universe. Dressing up in a beautiful pink costume, my skirt made of the finest silk and when I spun around it moved like the prettiest cloud. Sparkles in my hair the shined like diamonds. My tiny ballet slippers were magic and I could lift myself off the ground and fly into the night sky like the most graceful butterfly. I would imagine being on a huge stage dancing and dancing for millions of people. They would look at me with wonderment, awe, and whisper on each other’s ears how graceful and beautiful I am.