Floodgate

Sometimes there are days when I feel “off”. Like today, dark and dangerous feelings envelope me so much that I find it difficult to navigate my way through the day. Heavy thoughts and sensations seem to make their way into my mind and body and they camp out for a while. My body gets heavy, I don’t want to get out of bed, nothing excites me, my life seems fraudulent and worthless. I am second s away from bitter and broken. It doesn’t feel natural, I want to wage war against them, fight them off, but they are stronger than me. I had a dream the other night that I was shot in the heart at close range, and I couldn’t scream for help. No one could see the blood running down my chest, but I could see it red, feel it warm, the people around me just stared, I tried so hard to speak, to tell them I was dying, but no one could hear me. I lay there, alone, in my pool of blood, slowly suffocating. I will listen to these thoughts, embrace these feelings, know that it will pass and tomorrow or whenever it subsides, I will walk into the light once again…..…

The floodgates open and nothing comes out.
I’m feeling no relief in my head just doubt.

But my heart keeps telling me 'hold your ground’

You'll never learn a thing if you bail out now

And I'm lonely again tonight

I can feel it like a knot in my side

They keep saying this is part of the ride

But I'm not getting stronger

You hold me against the light

And do you see any bullet inside?

Wouldn't find one if you magnified

Because you've got the wrong girl

Had my fingers around the back of your chair

You'd never miss a thing but you missed me there

And I just kept thinking 'Am I prepared

To pull it out from under your trusting stare?'

Now the house is quiet as a hollow head

And I'm walking round bumping into things you said

This has not been as easy as I thought it would

I’d be cooling down the fire if I thought I could

But I'm lonely again tonight

I can feel it like a knot in my side

They keep saying this is part of the ride

But I'm not getting stronger

You hold me against the light

And do you see any bullet inside?

Wouldn't find one if you magnified

Because you've got the wrong girl

Fallen

My first painting that has come out of my new garage studio.

Title: Fallen

The Black Crayon

A Black Crayon was feeling very unhappy because nobody used him very much. All the other crayons, the red crayon, the blue crayon, all the different ones, were getting shorter and shorter. But the Black crayon was staying very much the same size. "I'm just as pretty as the rest," he said to himself.

One day, while a Little Girl was drawing some pictures, he said to her, "I wish sometimes you would use me!" "I would like to," said the Little Girl, "but I don't know what to draw." Draw some pictures of stars, and a moon, and the nighttime, when it's cozy and snug," said the Black Crayon. The Little Girl drew an enormous picture of the nighttime. She put in one, two, three, four, five, six, seven stars. They were yellow and orange. Then she drew a moon. In fact, she liked the purple moon so much, she made an extra, baby moon. Then everything else she made nighttime, using the Black Crayon to it make it lovely dark.

When she as finished it was such a beautiful picture, the Little Girl's Mama put it on the wall.

The Black Crayon was very short and very happy!

The End.

Divorce

Divorce; A definition(s): Noun: total separation; disunion: a divorce between thought and action. Verb: to separate by divorce: The judge divorced the couple, to break the marriage contract between oneself and (one's spouse) by divorce: She divorced her husband. to separate; cut off: Life and art cannot be divorced.

It has been 16-months since my husband and I separated. Our marriage lasted 15 years. That is more than half of my adult life. Technically, (in the eyes of the law) we are still married, so he is technically still my husband and I am technically his wife. I have never spoken about my marriage on my blog, but the time seems to be approaching to let go and finally release certain feelings, resentments, losses, angst, confusion and share, my thoughts on the subject, out-loud.

When two people meet, a particular chemistry takes place that draws one to the other. A love that may begin with lust and attraction, but as they begin to share a life together, a bond forms and love grows, admiration blossoms and a future begins to be written, a story, of two people sharing their lives together. Sometimes we agree, sometimes we do not, but the love is strong enough to keep them tied together, (through thick and thin-this has two connotations. Richer or poorer, sickness and in health). So much intimacy, so much power, so much creation, so much joy, so many triumphs. So how does it happen that two people, who were once so in love, fall out of love and end their marriage with divorce and what if you cannot truly ‘divorce’ because you share something so special together, a child?

My husband told me the other evening that he thinks I am a Chameleon. There are a couple of definitions for Chameleon, one of which is the obvious; a lizard capable of changing the color of its skin – the other; a changeable, fickle or inconstant person. I am sure he meant I was both. I have been pondering the comment for the last few days and I have decided he is right. I am a bit of a chameleon. When I feel threaten or in danger, I may change my color, blend in become camouflaged. When I am happy and content I may just be there glowing the color red. If you ask me, chameleons are very clever and adaptable. In regards to fickle and inconstant, I have to admit, there is some truth to that. At least I am not boring, or average. Huh…funny, I just remembered the engagement ring he gave me was a small diamond with a flaw in the middle of it, a little piece of black coal -that’s me alright, a beautifully flawed diamond! I guess he already knew that when he proposed.


Divorce is the most traumatic, turbulent, disgusting, frustrating, horrible place to find yourself standing. I would not wish it on my worst enemy. I would rather cut off my left arm than ever experience divorce. Many difficult changes, such as, what happens if he remarries and my daughter has a stepmother and I want to scratch her eyes out for spending time with MY child, or touching a hair on her head. Yes, I said that out-loud…it has been on my mind lately. I guess its motherly instinct. I was once a true believer in love. I was once a believer in marriage. I was once a believer in the special union of a husband and wife, of family and I hope, I pray, that when I make it through to the other side of this mess, I will believe again.


It is difficult to put a good book down and start a new one, especially when you have not made it to the last chapter yet. Sometimes I wonder if I am actually in the middle of a bad book, and I am putting it down without ever knowing if it has a good ending where everyone rides off into the sunset. To be honest, I am not sure which book I’ve been reading and I must confess, that the pain and confusion of not knowing, has sent me too many lonely nights with a trusty bottle of wine to numb my thoughts and feelings, to avoid waking up and facing my life, alone, with no book to read at all.


I try to remain positive, force myself to do new things, meet new people, but honestly, there are days when I simply cannot put a smile on my face. Sometimes, I feel completely uncertain, alone and lost….like walking into a strange dark room and you cannot find the light switch, even though I know it is there, somewhere…. These days, these feelings are becoming less, mainly from pure determination to end one chapter and start a new one, a chapter whereby I stand stronger and wiser, on top of a mountain screaming, “I made it and I will never look back down again”.


I love my husband, (soon to be ex-husband) and he loves me. We will always love each other, which proves………to me, that ‘love’, does not conquer all. So, why do Hollywood movies make us believe it does? If love will bring us together, what keeps it together? Maybe it is learning to respect and admire our partner’s qualities, good and bad, flaws and all. Maybe it’s trusting the universe and time to heal all wounds and trusting that when you least expect it, you will receive understanding, compassion and love from someone, somewhere unexpected.
Please do not read this and be discouraged from marriage. Marriage is a beautiful union, which is why it hurts so much if it ends. But if you’re entering into this union, as several of my dear friends are soon, remember, be kind, respect, understand, create, and never make your partner feel bad for just being themselves. Oh….and love each other……..


Jason, if you happen to stumble across this, thanks for the 15 years we did share. We did have many wonderful times together.

Changing

This is a card I received from my dear friend many moons ago. I haven't visited my blog for some time and having decided I hate my last entry, I noticed this card on my notice board (it’s been pinned up there for months), but today I finally got it! "She packed up her potential and all she had learned, grabbed a cute pair of shoes and headed out to change a few things. Her heart glowed with a degree of happy assurance."
My potential has been packed in my suitcase, and it’s been sitting in my closet way to long and its ready to be unzipped and I am allowing it to explode all over the place. I set up my art studio in my garage and started painting again. It’s been years since I have really painted anything. My creative juices are flowing and it feels dam good. I’m planning a group art show at my house soon, A house pARTy, something I planned to do ages ago and never did for fear of failure.

As to all I've learned, I can say I've learned a great deal over the last 12-months, (it’s all still sinking in, like quick sand), but I recognize this is a process that has no end. I feel wiser accepting that I have much to learn, that I must pursue knowledge on continual basis. I was reminded recently that, Happiness is not bought, it's thought. (A quote from my very own, Guru Zen Master, my 9-year old daughter)

Yep, profound words that came out of her gorgeous mouth the other night when we she was telling me about her woe’s at school. She told me how unhappy she was, complaining that her friends at school all have bigger houses, more toys, fancier cars, than we do. I looked her in the eye and said, "darling, do you really think that’s why you are unhappy? You have everything you need and most importantly, you are loved". She sat, quietly for several minutes, her mind churning and swirling this over and she looked at me with such wisdom, as if the a philosopher was telling me the secret to the universe and said plainly, "happiness is not bought, it's thought."
I almost fell out of my chair. I was so taken aback by this revelation that she had, I wanted to cry with pride, but as only a mother can, I held her and told her she is one of the smartest people I have ever met in my life and how proud I am that she is my daughter. I should take advice from my daughter more often.

As far as changing a few things, here is my list:

- Accept myself for who I am and never be sorry for being myself
- Throw away the guilt of the past and take one step at the time towards the future
- Get outside more often and experience all that life has to offer
- Don’t regret yesterday, life is in me today and I create my own tomorrow
- Work hard, Play harder
- Create, create, create
- Live to inspire and be inspired
- Never be afraid to fail, you won’t know if you failed until you try
- Love myself more, and know that I am loved


As for the cute shoes,…..I’ve always had that covered.

TODAY, I feel brave, brave, brave. I have the courage to take my life, turn it upside down, inside out, shake the apple tree until they all come falling down.

My wings already exist, all I have to do is fly. My favorite quote from another Guru Zen Master, Christine Mason Miller. If you do not have this book, Ordinary Sparking Moments, http://www.christinemasonmiller.com/, buy it for yourself and all your friends today, its pure magic.

This just in from my horoscope (ARIES)....How does this work? Wild......

You are eager to take what you've learned over the past few days and apply it to something new. Although you might believe that you are running out of time, you're not. It's just that there are large shifts on the horizon as your key planet Mars finishes up his visit to social Libra. Reconsider the terms of a partnership today, while you can still see the unbridled potential of what's ahead.
By Rick Levine

Firsts

A few days ago, I got to thinking about firsts. First kisses, first loves, first success, first friends, first losses. The first time we have a certain experience. For some reason my memory was sparked by the movie Top Gun. It was on TV and it ignited a significant first - the first time I was kissed -- I had forgotten about this memory, and how old I was when it happened. Alas, the year was 1986 – I was 13 years old.

It is a daunting thought to think that my first real kiss, I was merely 13 years old. Being a parent to an 8 ½ year old daughter, it seems too young. I would be mortified if my daughter was being kissed at the tender age of 13, but as I remember in that moment, I felt so grown up, so mature.

A boy at school asked me out to a movie. He was the most popular boy at school and I remember being extremely nervous, because all the girls likes him, he was smart, funny and good-looking. I was not a popular girl at school; I was in the rebellious club.......we were the kids that didn’t fit in. I wasn’t a jock, I wasn’t a dork, I was different. Probably the best example I have of this is Molly Ringwald, in Sixteen Candles, or Pretty in Pink, when she plays the character of the outsider, not rich, not popular, not a dork, but different. I went to a private school with many rich kids, but I was not one of them. My parents were not rich, I had to take the bus to school, because they didn’t own a car, I am not even sure how they could afford to send me to this school, or why, but I remember being on the outside. Everyone liked me, and I made three best friends right away. We started our own club, MTRS. Mimi, Trish, Riz and Sam, their parents were not rich either, so the four of us had a lot in common. We were the kids that shopped at Thrift stores, borrowed each other’s clothes, and were fashion forward. I think I was sent home once, or twice for wearing jeans with tears in the knees, or a top that had only one sleeve. The year was 1986 after all, when blue eye shadow was necessary, big hair was a necessity, and tube socks worn with high top Reebok’s were totally tubular..…. We had never heard of name brands, like Polo, or Gap and even if we did, we could never have afforded them. Most of the kids at the school came from well-to-do families and their parents dropped them off in Mercedes Benz, Jaguars, or Cadillac’s. The four of us bonded immediately, since we were picked up by the Big Yellow Bus at a certain prescribed location.

Anyway, seeing Top Gun jolted my memory of my first kiss. His parents picked me at up at my horrific place of residences, and drove us to the Theatre at the Glendale Galleria. He paid for the tickets and off we went into the dark theatre. My hands were sweaty, my heart pounding hard, I didn’t know what to say, I was a nervous wreck. He didn’t know what to say either. So, there we are, sitting in silence for a long time, then suddenly during the scene when Tom Cruise and Kelly Maginus, “GET IT ON” to “take my breath away”, an arm comes from behind and lands around my shoulder, he turns to me, leans in and low an behold....... he kissed me. His mouth is open, which shocks me, what kind of kiss is this, is this normal? I pull away, because I am so embarrassed. Even though it lasted all of a few seconds, my cheeks are bright red and I am grateful it is dark in here. I turn away and pretend to be interested in the movie, but Tom and Kelly are still getting it on, and the love scene seems to go on forever, which makes me more embarrassed. I can’t remember anything else about the movie, but the song “take my breath away” takes on a completely new meaning now.........What I am going to tell Mimi, Riz and Sam? Will they think I have betrayed our club, because I went to a movie with a Jock and he kissed me? What will I say to him when I see him at school? I mean, jeez, I was 13 years old. I can barely process mathematics, let alone process my first kiss, especially to such a cheesy song like, “take my breath away.”

Looking back on this moment now, I have to give him a lot credit for being brave enough to bust a move. I don’t think I could look him in the face at school on Monday. I was so shell-shocked by the entire experience; I think it took me quite a long time to recover. But my epiphany is, that 'first' has the potential to rock your world, and they are important to remember. Each time we experience a first, we are learning more and more about others and ourselves. It takes courage and braveness to have a “first” experience, but they will enrich us and make us stronger. Even the little “first” like; getting a facial, cleaning a toilet, holding hands, starting a new job, playing a new board game, trying a new recipe, learning a new language, skydiving out of an airplane, or more significant firsts like; getting married, buying a house, starting a company, having your first child, or starting over in life.

Firsts are simply scary and fabulous rolled into one delightfully delicious ball! So get out there and have more firsts – you never know......... you may find that the ball of life starts bouncing higher and higher, until you find yourself on top of the world!

The Magic RV – PART I

Notes from Madison’s Journal

“We just left home and we are having a lot of fun in the RV. It is really hard to write in the RV. We are maybe, going to camp at the beach and we are listening to Eminem, Slim Shady.”

Setting off early in the morning with no particular destination in mind, we only know we want to drive this magic RV up Hwy 1. The excitement is brewing and we feel a sense of freedom surging through our veins. As we leave Santa Monica behind us and drive our shaky, rattling home, that we will be living in for the next week, we smile, talk, sing and listen to music. Suddenly, a feeling I have not felt in a long time, comes over me….happiness, mixed with a splash of calm. The stress of life is slowly releasing itself and I feel that this journey is going to be nothing but fun, fun, fun! As we drive, I am trying to soak in everything that I am feeling, thinking, seeing, tasting and smelling. Madison is in the back playing and enjoying this wonderful new experience of driving around in a house, of sorts.

Our first stop, Santa Margarita, where I wish they served cold Margarita’s..but no such luck. We arrive at the campground around 5:30pm and it is empty, only a few campers here and there. The place is not as pretty as it sounds. The campground guidebook I bought says it’s called, ‘Lake Santa Margarita’, but when we pull up, I ask where the lake is, the person says its miles from here and you cannot swim in it -- frankly, it does't sound appealing. The grounds are dusty and dirty, there is an old pool table at the main building with missing balls, the cue sticks have no felt left, the pool is old and a wee bit crude, nonetheless, it’s hot, so we jump in to cool off. We head back to the RV, make some dinner, light the candles and play cards. Madison has selected her bed, which is above the cab, slides her curtains shut and falls asleep.

The following morning, we pack up camp and head to Big Sur, which we have firmly decided, is actually Heaven on Earth. Along the way, we stop at Seal Beach, and watch these huge giants wade, waddle, sleep, play and chatter to each other. We briefly look at the Hearst Castle, which we decide we will tour on the way home and head off to the Big Sur Campground. The drive along Hwy 1 is absolutely breath taking, I have driven it twice now and it never ceases to astound me. Our magnificent planet is truly stunning.

We arrive early enough for a late lunch at the River Inn café, which is gorgeous. The description on the River Inn brochure is everything it says, “Nestled amid towering redwoods along the scenic Big Sur River, lies the historic Big Sur River Inn. Founded by one of the Big Sur’s most prominent pioneering families, it has been the site of fun family vacations and quite getaways for many generations. Relax from the press of civilization on the sun-dappled deck. Renew your spirits with great food and drink in the rustic dining room overlooking the lawn and river. Remember childhood dreams as you lie back in the soft, fragrant grass alongside the Big Sur River.”


Next door is our campground, we settle into our camp site, take a dip in the freezing cold river, which is incredibly refreshing, lazily float down the river in our inner tubes, watching the sun flicker through the trees with the most beautiful natural light on earth, whilst thousands of lady bugs fly overhead. Later we get in line for “happy hour” 50 cent ice-cream, eat hot dogs, build a fire, play cards and take in the beauty of the tall pine trees that surround us, the sound of the river moving, and families talking around their campfires. In this moment, we are content, happy and at peace.