Smelly

I haven’t blogged in a long time, mainly because I haven’t been feeling so great and don’t really want to air all my dirty laundry and struggles of late, but maybe I should just let go and spill the beans….so here goes…..I have been felling really crappy lately, plain and simple. If there is a God, then I pray that he stop throwing poo in my face. Now, I don’t mind poo so much, but I certainly don’t like it in my face and it seems that no matter which way I turn, I am getting poo thrown in my face. I think I am a good person. I know I am a good person, but sometimes I feel like no matter how much ‘good’ I do, God, or whoever, or whatever, is up there laughing at me and saying “honey that ain’t good enough and if you don’t get it soon, I will continue to throw poo in your face until you do.” What do I need to learn? What is the message? What am I missing? Or, is this what they mean by, “this is as good as it gets?”
The last 12 months has been jam packed with the most traumatic, exciting, sad, infuriating, exhilarating, depressing, lustful, turbulent, exuberant, horrible, and challenging times of my life. Yes…...it’s all over the place. Up and down like a roller-coaster ride. It all started with a house….well maybe not entirely, but maybe that’s the straw that broke the camel’s back…or something like that…..so, the house…..the “dream” the beautiful house on the hill, with the view of the world, that would be custom built for three. Maybe that’s the moment when I woke up from the dream and realized that the dream was really a façade. Maybe I realized I was a phony….it’s hard to tell the difference sometimes between reality and fantasy, maybe everything is just a dream anyway?
Anyway, the last 12 months…..I have been on my own for the first time in 15 years. Well, not entirely on my own, for that last 8 years, I have a little shadow that follows me around..my mini me if you will….my creative, eccentric soul of a daughter. But, essentially, I am alone, as far as trying to figure out who I am as an individual. I am trying to figure out how to be a woman, how to be a single mother, how to be creative, how to make a living, how to love, how to be happy, how to do it all…..alone. I am not sure that we are meant to be alone, but I know that at the end of the day, all I really own or have is ME and ME alone. Although I have many friends and people around that love and adore me, maybe the reason God is throwing poo at me, is because I am God and since I’ve had 12 months to get on the right path and haven’t yet figured it out, it is in fact me throwing poo in my own face? Now, that hurts my feelings, but at the same time it seems to make sense. Maybe my expectations of myself are too high….Maybe I need to not feel so guilty that I haven’t figured out my purpose on this earth yet. I want a purpose. This makes me feel good. When I have a purpose, I fly….My purpose used to be creating a home for my husband and child. My purpose was to make them happy. My purpose was to create a safe haven for them to exist. But now…..what is my purpose?
I guess my purpose right now is learning how to love myself. It’s really hard sometimes. It’s so much easier to love someone else. It’s so much easier to make someone else happy. How……how on earth do we make ourselves happy? I have to confess….I am happy when I’ve made someone else happy….but what does this say about me? Does this mean I don’t love myself?
I am a very fortunate girl and I realize that I have had a hand in creating that, yet, at the same time, I wonder….is it possible to be happy when you have no one else to love and make happy, or is it only once we love ourselves completely that we are in fact whole and happy?

So God…..no more poo, please….. it’s smelly and it tastes like shit….