Its a new year....again

Another year has flown past..and maybe as with fine wine, we age with dignity, flavor, taste and new aroma. My puppy, Sadie, is sitting on my lap as I write this. Usually, she wants to type, play with my keyboard and wreak havoc with my things, but right now, she’s sleeping soundly on my lap. Soon she will be bigger and won’t be able to enjoy this space, as with all things in life. We grow up, become bigger and have to find new spaces to occupy.

I have a theory about space. A friend of mine, whom I adore, spoke to me about space and how he felt different about his own space, well space is in fact the area we occupy as spiritual beings. As we grow, we enjoy different space, new space, but it is in fact our space. Our private area in which we occupy, that we enjoy more and more with knowledge, learning, and time. Time….another little morsel that we all know about.

Some of us look at time as a demon, a tyrant that creeps up on us when we’re not looking, and grabs us by the throat and says “you’re time is almost up’” or “you’re too old now to enjoy the fruits of your life.” But, I say, f*** that….We are the time and space we choose and we are whatever we want to be, do or have…and time and space are only relevant to our state of mind. Stay young at heart and follow your passion and everything will be okay.

So in this New Year, remember we are the captains of our destiny, we are the leaders of our time and we are the space we occupy.

Love to all my dear friends….you know who you are….and take this New Year by the balls and be and do whatever your heart desires…..


Love to you all….

Newest Painting's from my studio

In Progress

Destination
Rainy Days

Red Shoes

Stilettos’

Lonely

Keep it simple

Sometimes the universe answers our calls and sometimes it doesn’t hear us at all, no matter how loud we scream. Sometimes the universe says, “Hi. You’ve called the universe. I’m not home at the moment, please leave a message and I’ll get back to you when I can”. Unfortunately, the universe hasn’t answered all my calls lately and frankly I’m beginning to feel like I may have the wrong number. I hate leaving messages. I need instant contact, a live conversation, an immediate response.

I believe we are ‘all connected’ as human beings. We may lead different lives, have different points of view, personalities, desires, dreams, talents, etc. but on some very deep level, we are all connected and share so much with one another. Strangers we’ve never meet, people who live on the opposite side of our planet, the guy, or girl who works in a factory somewhere. Sometimes I get the feeling that the universe is actually a big switch board, you know, the old fashion kind they used in the 20’s and 30’s with red and black wires, all crossed over each other, a big mess unless you know how to use it. There have been times in my life when I control that switchboard, when they are all in the correct holes, the connections are clear and concise and there are times in my life when they are a big jumbled mess. But if you learn how to use this switchboard, and the communication with the universe is open, it can be an amazing experience. The connections we have with people are so very precious and to me, as important as my own breath. Treating people with respect, dignity, genuine care, love and most importantly, granting them the right to be who they are and love them despite all reasons not to.

Despite the universe not answering my calls recently in regards to several of my personal requests, I feel a sense of calm about it. I’m not pacing the hallways wondering when…..when……..why…..why…..or laying in bed at night annoyed that my karma must be off and I must have done something terrible to deserve being ignored like this. Strangely, I feel a sense of calm that my life will become complete and my path will appear in front of my eyes, and if I’m lucky, I will have it all and then some.

The holidays are not my favorite time of year these days, they represent much loss and pain, but instead of succumbing to that deep pain, I’ve decided to keep it simple. Create the love, create the sparkles, create the moment, be present, give presents, and allow the universe to get back to me when he’s ready to commit to answering my call.

The sound of white

This place needs the rain, it needs to be washed away of its sins, of its cynical sense of humor, of its pretence. This place needs the rain and rain it receives. Wind, rain and apparently snow in Malibu? Could it be true….

The rain makes me want to be bundled under warm blankets by my fire and indulge myself in a provocative romance novel that tells the story of other peoples secret lives, naughty and wild. This rain makes me want to create a fantasy world that I could live in for a couple of hours-a world that only I dictate, whereby I am the complete goddess and ruler. I want my imagination to run wild, I want to run away to that place where all of my fantasies, dreams and desires are my reality….if even for a few hours.

While I’m there, I might float in a bubble, fly in a hot air balloon, climb a mountain, jump off a cliff into soft bouncy clouds, dance in a field of yellow daisies, be the captain of a pirate ship, fly to the moon, sip fine nectar from a wild flower, ride a white horse bare back and drown in the feathers and down of my cloud.

Sometimes, if I listen to the sound of white, I can hear what’s inside my soul and if I lay still long enough, I like what I hear, the howling wind, the pouring rain and an old man snoring somewhere. But mostly I love the sound of my imagination where I play make believe and life’s better for a moment.

Sadie Snuggles Walker

We are proud to annouce the newest addition to our family, Ms. Sadie Snuggles Walker. She is a 7 week old White Lab....

Happy Thanksgiving!

Wishing everyone a wonderful Thanksgiving.

gobble, gobble......

Write it

Im gonna sit here on this page until I have something positive or inspiring to write.....

Ok...  here it is..... wait for it.... Im thinking...... thinking.......

Ok.... most of what I write is for me and me alone, but that doesn't matter. I write it. I write it because its good for me. I write it because it takes the pressure off. I write it because it keeps me writing. I write it because there's nothing else to do. I write it. Just write it. 

Today I feel silly. Today I feel strangely daring. Today I want to scream. Today I want to be solum, but I can't. Today I want to fly. Today I want to sing. Today I want to dance, to my iPod  as I walk down the street. Today I want to hug a stranger. Today I want to be famous. Today I want to smile. Today I want to cry. Today I wish I were whole. Today I have hope.

Strange Places

Sometimes there is no rhyme or reason for the things we do. Sometimes there is simply just a feeling that urges us towards a certain adventure or opportunity. It’s a funny experience because I am sure there are people who know how to logically control these impulses and some of us that are such emotional creatures that nothing anyone says, can talk us down from the ledge.

I think the ledge is there for a reason. It is to go there, look, feel, experience, enjoy, not enjoy, embrace, hate, or love, so that we can determine if the ledge is the place for us. What would happen if we never went to the ledge? What would happen if we stood in the same place all the time? It’s kind of like this blog. I started it for reasons…..reasons…….actually not of my own ‘reason’ but of someone else’s reason. Anyway, that doesn’t matter anymore. I know there are not many people who read it, but for some strange reason I am compelled to continue. To express myself in this private world, to share, to hide, to write my thoughts down so they don’t remain in my head. Most people I know use their blog as a source for inspiration or a creative outlet, but I haven’t arrived in that place yet. To me it just feels good to express myself and say what I want and occasionally the universe will give me some relief for having done so.

My life and thoughts have recently been so focused on questioning the universe and myself that it is almost impossible for me to detangle myself from these things. I find it interesting that people I encounter openly tell me that I am a woman on a journey. People who hardly know me tell that they think I am becoming something new, something I should have been a long time ago. It is a difficult pill to swallow, because it is true. I am exploring and questioning everything life has to offer and sometimes I feel like I am going a little bit nuts. However, I think I am narrowing the meaning of life down to a few important things, which are…..

Love, creativity, honestly, and the other is being your true self. I probably should say family. In regards to family I will say that I have recently embraced that to me family, means; Madison, my sister, my Grandmother, my dearest friends, some aunts, uncles and cousins that I am very fond of. However, usually the first thing that comes to mind when we say the word ‘family’ is mother and father, the two people that brought us into this world in the first place. However, for some reason, even though these two very dynamic people are “my family” I just cannot relate to them, at all. I mean after all, the thing that creates love and understanding is affinity, reality and communication. The thing that lacks with my folks is reality and communication, real communication. The kind of communication that is honest, respectful and understood. Probably the most important issue that creates communication and affinity in the first place, is a similar reality of life. How can I create reality with them when we have completely different views about life and livingness?

I wonder if this lack of love and understanding is why when I meet someone that truly gets what I am saying and doesn’t judge me or use me, I love and respect as my ‘family’ so much more than my own parents? It’s that time of year again, when we should be celebrating family, yet, I will be alone gain this year, with no one special to enjoy this season with. If it weren’t for my daughter, I would run away again, the way I did last year.

I have so much love in my heart that sometimes I pull back for fear of being made a mockery of, or betrayed. I know I shouldn’t do this, as loving someone or something so much that it hurts is all part of the ride. I guess I am as guilty as the next to ‘not disclose’ everything I am feeling or thinking, afraid of some strange consequence. On the other hand, maybe it is better to leave some things unsaid. I do not know anymore. Nevertheless, the thing that I hate the most is, it is not honest. So why do I do it? Do I simply want to appease everybody all the time? Do I feel sorry for the things I really think or feel? On the other hand, is it that I am still uncertain about what I truly think and feel?

I am embracing the idea that I have a wild nature, I do not want anyone to control me or tell me what to do, yet I have a strong sense of moral and ethical responsibility. For some reason I cannot seem to separate the two with a sense of balance. I have heard people talk about having ‘balance’ in their lives, but I am questioning if that is possible. I am beginning to feel that there is no such thing as balance, only one extreme, or another. Maybe a little ‘gradient scale’ of balance, but not even scales. Maybe that’s why the justice symbol is always off balance. They already know there is no such thing as true balance. It’s always a little bit off kilter.

As I stumble down this bumpy road of life, exploring all it has to offer…I am becoming more aware that love, creativity, honesty and family are the most important truths in this life. Everyone probably has their own definitions of these words, but to me these things are just as important as eating, sleeping, drinking and being merry. These things make us a whole. Even if we think, we are whole because we have a great job, great family, great friendships…were not whole until we have someone who understands us completely and loves us unconditionally for it.
The thing I am most terrified of in my life is ……LOVE… I am one who falls in love quickly and passionately, I am afraid, because of this, I will spend the rest of my life alone, and forever be a skeptic. That maybe love is a false pretence so that we are not lonely. I know with complete certainty that I don’t want to be alone. I want someone to create with, dream with, play games, love, cherish, share my most intimate moments, feel wanted, useful, someone who admires me, laughs with me, is my “in case of emergency” person. Yet, I wonder, is it possible for this to one person, one man?

I guess loving is easy, its intimacy that is the bitch. Not just with the opposite sex, but in all things life related…..

Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds

Next week marks the first year anniversary of my beloved Lucy’s death. Lucy was born July 14, 1994 and died in my arms on November 15, 2007. She was diagnosed with Spleen Cancer. The doctors told me that they could operate to remove the tumor, and she would live for a few more months, but after long discussions with Lucy, we both decided she would rather be out of pain and leave us with pride, dignity and love in her heart. She had done such a wonderful job of protecting and loving me for 14-years and she did not want to live a few more months with pain.

Lucy was the love of my life, the unconditional kind of love. We had many good times together, long secret chats about life, chats that she would never repeat, complete trust and lots of snuggles. For a red head, she was not a feisty girl; she was a lover, nurturer, and sweetheart to the core. I remember one night, when she was just a puppy; I received a phone call from my grandmother in Australia telling me that my Grandfather had just passed away. I was beside myself with grief as we spoke on the phone, and Lucy climbed up into my lap, staring at me with her big brown eyes, complete sympathy and empathy and she told me that I would be ok, she would love me, the sadness would soon become less, and that I would smile again.

As loyal as Lucy was to me, I have felt that getting another dog would somehow betray her. I have been unable to see myself with another dog. Her loss was worse than any heartbreak I have ever endured. However, today, instead of morning her, I decided to celebrate her. Madison and I drove an hour out of LA to look at puppies. We feel in love with a beautiful little white Labrador retriever. She was born 17 days ago, and is still nursing with her mommy, so we will drive an hour every weekend to visit and play with her until she is old enough to come home to her new family. Actually, we pick her up Christmas Eve….(Santa is going to get BIG BROWNY points this year)!

We think we will call her Sadie, but until we spend more time with her, we cannot be certain of her name. More to come…

But this is for Lucy…..

My dearest beloved Lucy,
I will forever love you
I will never forget you
I hope you love me still
I hope you are happy
Wherever you are
No one can replace you
You were my friend
I was your friend
I hope you are dreaming of me
As I am dreaming of you
I miss you, I miss you, I miss you

Floodgate

Sometimes there are days when I feel “off”. Like today, dark and dangerous feelings envelope me so much that I find it difficult to navigate my way through the day. Heavy thoughts and sensations seem to make their way into my mind and body and they camp out for a while. My body gets heavy, I don’t want to get out of bed, nothing excites me, my life seems fraudulent and worthless. I am second s away from bitter and broken. It doesn’t feel natural, I want to wage war against them, fight them off, but they are stronger than me. I had a dream the other night that I was shot in the heart at close range, and I couldn’t scream for help. No one could see the blood running down my chest, but I could see it red, feel it warm, the people around me just stared, I tried so hard to speak, to tell them I was dying, but no one could hear me. I lay there, alone, in my pool of blood, slowly suffocating. I will listen to these thoughts, embrace these feelings, know that it will pass and tomorrow or whenever it subsides, I will walk into the light once again…..…

The floodgates open and nothing comes out.
I’m feeling no relief in my head just doubt.

But my heart keeps telling me 'hold your ground’

You'll never learn a thing if you bail out now

And I'm lonely again tonight

I can feel it like a knot in my side

They keep saying this is part of the ride

But I'm not getting stronger

You hold me against the light

And do you see any bullet inside?

Wouldn't find one if you magnified

Because you've got the wrong girl

Had my fingers around the back of your chair

You'd never miss a thing but you missed me there

And I just kept thinking 'Am I prepared

To pull it out from under your trusting stare?'

Now the house is quiet as a hollow head

And I'm walking round bumping into things you said

This has not been as easy as I thought it would

I’d be cooling down the fire if I thought I could

But I'm lonely again tonight

I can feel it like a knot in my side

They keep saying this is part of the ride

But I'm not getting stronger

You hold me against the light

And do you see any bullet inside?

Wouldn't find one if you magnified

Because you've got the wrong girl

Fallen

My first painting that has come out of my new garage studio.

Title: Fallen

The Black Crayon

A Black Crayon was feeling very unhappy because nobody used him very much. All the other crayons, the red crayon, the blue crayon, all the different ones, were getting shorter and shorter. But the Black crayon was staying very much the same size. "I'm just as pretty as the rest," he said to himself.

One day, while a Little Girl was drawing some pictures, he said to her, "I wish sometimes you would use me!" "I would like to," said the Little Girl, "but I don't know what to draw." Draw some pictures of stars, and a moon, and the nighttime, when it's cozy and snug," said the Black Crayon. The Little Girl drew an enormous picture of the nighttime. She put in one, two, three, four, five, six, seven stars. They were yellow and orange. Then she drew a moon. In fact, she liked the purple moon so much, she made an extra, baby moon. Then everything else she made nighttime, using the Black Crayon to it make it lovely dark.

When she as finished it was such a beautiful picture, the Little Girl's Mama put it on the wall.

The Black Crayon was very short and very happy!

The End.

Divorce

Divorce; A definition(s): Noun: total separation; disunion: a divorce between thought and action. Verb: to separate by divorce: The judge divorced the couple, to break the marriage contract between oneself and (one's spouse) by divorce: She divorced her husband. to separate; cut off: Life and art cannot be divorced.

It has been 16-months since my husband and I separated. Our marriage lasted 15 years. That is more than half of my adult life. Technically, (in the eyes of the law) we are still married, so he is technically still my husband and I am technically his wife. I have never spoken about my marriage on my blog, but the time seems to be approaching to let go and finally release certain feelings, resentments, losses, angst, confusion and share, my thoughts on the subject, out-loud.

When two people meet, a particular chemistry takes place that draws one to the other. A love that may begin with lust and attraction, but as they begin to share a life together, a bond forms and love grows, admiration blossoms and a future begins to be written, a story, of two people sharing their lives together. Sometimes we agree, sometimes we do not, but the love is strong enough to keep them tied together, (through thick and thin-this has two connotations. Richer or poorer, sickness and in health). So much intimacy, so much power, so much creation, so much joy, so many triumphs. So how does it happen that two people, who were once so in love, fall out of love and end their marriage with divorce and what if you cannot truly ‘divorce’ because you share something so special together, a child?

My husband told me the other evening that he thinks I am a Chameleon. There are a couple of definitions for Chameleon, one of which is the obvious; a lizard capable of changing the color of its skin – the other; a changeable, fickle or inconstant person. I am sure he meant I was both. I have been pondering the comment for the last few days and I have decided he is right. I am a bit of a chameleon. When I feel threaten or in danger, I may change my color, blend in become camouflaged. When I am happy and content I may just be there glowing the color red. If you ask me, chameleons are very clever and adaptable. In regards to fickle and inconstant, I have to admit, there is some truth to that. At least I am not boring, or average. Huh…funny, I just remembered the engagement ring he gave me was a small diamond with a flaw in the middle of it, a little piece of black coal -that’s me alright, a beautifully flawed diamond! I guess he already knew that when he proposed.


Divorce is the most traumatic, turbulent, disgusting, frustrating, horrible place to find yourself standing. I would not wish it on my worst enemy. I would rather cut off my left arm than ever experience divorce. Many difficult changes, such as, what happens if he remarries and my daughter has a stepmother and I want to scratch her eyes out for spending time with MY child, or touching a hair on her head. Yes, I said that out-loud…it has been on my mind lately. I guess its motherly instinct. I was once a true believer in love. I was once a believer in marriage. I was once a believer in the special union of a husband and wife, of family and I hope, I pray, that when I make it through to the other side of this mess, I will believe again.


It is difficult to put a good book down and start a new one, especially when you have not made it to the last chapter yet. Sometimes I wonder if I am actually in the middle of a bad book, and I am putting it down without ever knowing if it has a good ending where everyone rides off into the sunset. To be honest, I am not sure which book I’ve been reading and I must confess, that the pain and confusion of not knowing, has sent me too many lonely nights with a trusty bottle of wine to numb my thoughts and feelings, to avoid waking up and facing my life, alone, with no book to read at all.


I try to remain positive, force myself to do new things, meet new people, but honestly, there are days when I simply cannot put a smile on my face. Sometimes, I feel completely uncertain, alone and lost….like walking into a strange dark room and you cannot find the light switch, even though I know it is there, somewhere…. These days, these feelings are becoming less, mainly from pure determination to end one chapter and start a new one, a chapter whereby I stand stronger and wiser, on top of a mountain screaming, “I made it and I will never look back down again”.


I love my husband, (soon to be ex-husband) and he loves me. We will always love each other, which proves………to me, that ‘love’, does not conquer all. So, why do Hollywood movies make us believe it does? If love will bring us together, what keeps it together? Maybe it is learning to respect and admire our partner’s qualities, good and bad, flaws and all. Maybe it’s trusting the universe and time to heal all wounds and trusting that when you least expect it, you will receive understanding, compassion and love from someone, somewhere unexpected.
Please do not read this and be discouraged from marriage. Marriage is a beautiful union, which is why it hurts so much if it ends. But if you’re entering into this union, as several of my dear friends are soon, remember, be kind, respect, understand, create, and never make your partner feel bad for just being themselves. Oh….and love each other……..


Jason, if you happen to stumble across this, thanks for the 15 years we did share. We did have many wonderful times together.

Changing

This is a card I received from my dear friend many moons ago. I haven't visited my blog for some time and having decided I hate my last entry, I noticed this card on my notice board (it’s been pinned up there for months), but today I finally got it! "She packed up her potential and all she had learned, grabbed a cute pair of shoes and headed out to change a few things. Her heart glowed with a degree of happy assurance."
My potential has been packed in my suitcase, and it’s been sitting in my closet way to long and its ready to be unzipped and I am allowing it to explode all over the place. I set up my art studio in my garage and started painting again. It’s been years since I have really painted anything. My creative juices are flowing and it feels dam good. I’m planning a group art show at my house soon, A house pARTy, something I planned to do ages ago and never did for fear of failure.

As to all I've learned, I can say I've learned a great deal over the last 12-months, (it’s all still sinking in, like quick sand), but I recognize this is a process that has no end. I feel wiser accepting that I have much to learn, that I must pursue knowledge on continual basis. I was reminded recently that, Happiness is not bought, it's thought. (A quote from my very own, Guru Zen Master, my 9-year old daughter)

Yep, profound words that came out of her gorgeous mouth the other night when we she was telling me about her woe’s at school. She told me how unhappy she was, complaining that her friends at school all have bigger houses, more toys, fancier cars, than we do. I looked her in the eye and said, "darling, do you really think that’s why you are unhappy? You have everything you need and most importantly, you are loved". She sat, quietly for several minutes, her mind churning and swirling this over and she looked at me with such wisdom, as if the a philosopher was telling me the secret to the universe and said plainly, "happiness is not bought, it's thought."
I almost fell out of my chair. I was so taken aback by this revelation that she had, I wanted to cry with pride, but as only a mother can, I held her and told her she is one of the smartest people I have ever met in my life and how proud I am that she is my daughter. I should take advice from my daughter more often.

As far as changing a few things, here is my list:

- Accept myself for who I am and never be sorry for being myself
- Throw away the guilt of the past and take one step at the time towards the future
- Get outside more often and experience all that life has to offer
- Don’t regret yesterday, life is in me today and I create my own tomorrow
- Work hard, Play harder
- Create, create, create
- Live to inspire and be inspired
- Never be afraid to fail, you won’t know if you failed until you try
- Love myself more, and know that I am loved


As for the cute shoes,…..I’ve always had that covered.

TODAY, I feel brave, brave, brave. I have the courage to take my life, turn it upside down, inside out, shake the apple tree until they all come falling down.

My wings already exist, all I have to do is fly. My favorite quote from another Guru Zen Master, Christine Mason Miller. If you do not have this book, Ordinary Sparking Moments, http://www.christinemasonmiller.com/, buy it for yourself and all your friends today, its pure magic.

This just in from my horoscope (ARIES)....How does this work? Wild......

You are eager to take what you've learned over the past few days and apply it to something new. Although you might believe that you are running out of time, you're not. It's just that there are large shifts on the horizon as your key planet Mars finishes up his visit to social Libra. Reconsider the terms of a partnership today, while you can still see the unbridled potential of what's ahead.
By Rick Levine

Firsts

A few days ago, I got to thinking about firsts. First kisses, first loves, first success, first friends, first losses. The first time we have a certain experience. For some reason my memory was sparked by the movie Top Gun. It was on TV and it ignited a significant first - the first time I was kissed -- I had forgotten about this memory, and how old I was when it happened. Alas, the year was 1986 – I was 13 years old.

It is a daunting thought to think that my first real kiss, I was merely 13 years old. Being a parent to an 8 ½ year old daughter, it seems too young. I would be mortified if my daughter was being kissed at the tender age of 13, but as I remember in that moment, I felt so grown up, so mature.

A boy at school asked me out to a movie. He was the most popular boy at school and I remember being extremely nervous, because all the girls likes him, he was smart, funny and good-looking. I was not a popular girl at school; I was in the rebellious club.......we were the kids that didn’t fit in. I wasn’t a jock, I wasn’t a dork, I was different. Probably the best example I have of this is Molly Ringwald, in Sixteen Candles, or Pretty in Pink, when she plays the character of the outsider, not rich, not popular, not a dork, but different. I went to a private school with many rich kids, but I was not one of them. My parents were not rich, I had to take the bus to school, because they didn’t own a car, I am not even sure how they could afford to send me to this school, or why, but I remember being on the outside. Everyone liked me, and I made three best friends right away. We started our own club, MTRS. Mimi, Trish, Riz and Sam, their parents were not rich either, so the four of us had a lot in common. We were the kids that shopped at Thrift stores, borrowed each other’s clothes, and were fashion forward. I think I was sent home once, or twice for wearing jeans with tears in the knees, or a top that had only one sleeve. The year was 1986 after all, when blue eye shadow was necessary, big hair was a necessity, and tube socks worn with high top Reebok’s were totally tubular..…. We had never heard of name brands, like Polo, or Gap and even if we did, we could never have afforded them. Most of the kids at the school came from well-to-do families and their parents dropped them off in Mercedes Benz, Jaguars, or Cadillac’s. The four of us bonded immediately, since we were picked up by the Big Yellow Bus at a certain prescribed location.

Anyway, seeing Top Gun jolted my memory of my first kiss. His parents picked me at up at my horrific place of residences, and drove us to the Theatre at the Glendale Galleria. He paid for the tickets and off we went into the dark theatre. My hands were sweaty, my heart pounding hard, I didn’t know what to say, I was a nervous wreck. He didn’t know what to say either. So, there we are, sitting in silence for a long time, then suddenly during the scene when Tom Cruise and Kelly Maginus, “GET IT ON” to “take my breath away”, an arm comes from behind and lands around my shoulder, he turns to me, leans in and low an behold....... he kissed me. His mouth is open, which shocks me, what kind of kiss is this, is this normal? I pull away, because I am so embarrassed. Even though it lasted all of a few seconds, my cheeks are bright red and I am grateful it is dark in here. I turn away and pretend to be interested in the movie, but Tom and Kelly are still getting it on, and the love scene seems to go on forever, which makes me more embarrassed. I can’t remember anything else about the movie, but the song “take my breath away” takes on a completely new meaning now.........What I am going to tell Mimi, Riz and Sam? Will they think I have betrayed our club, because I went to a movie with a Jock and he kissed me? What will I say to him when I see him at school? I mean, jeez, I was 13 years old. I can barely process mathematics, let alone process my first kiss, especially to such a cheesy song like, “take my breath away.”

Looking back on this moment now, I have to give him a lot credit for being brave enough to bust a move. I don’t think I could look him in the face at school on Monday. I was so shell-shocked by the entire experience; I think it took me quite a long time to recover. But my epiphany is, that 'first' has the potential to rock your world, and they are important to remember. Each time we experience a first, we are learning more and more about others and ourselves. It takes courage and braveness to have a “first” experience, but they will enrich us and make us stronger. Even the little “first” like; getting a facial, cleaning a toilet, holding hands, starting a new job, playing a new board game, trying a new recipe, learning a new language, skydiving out of an airplane, or more significant firsts like; getting married, buying a house, starting a company, having your first child, or starting over in life.

Firsts are simply scary and fabulous rolled into one delightfully delicious ball! So get out there and have more firsts – you never know......... you may find that the ball of life starts bouncing higher and higher, until you find yourself on top of the world!

The Magic RV – PART I

Notes from Madison’s Journal

“We just left home and we are having a lot of fun in the RV. It is really hard to write in the RV. We are maybe, going to camp at the beach and we are listening to Eminem, Slim Shady.”

Setting off early in the morning with no particular destination in mind, we only know we want to drive this magic RV up Hwy 1. The excitement is brewing and we feel a sense of freedom surging through our veins. As we leave Santa Monica behind us and drive our shaky, rattling home, that we will be living in for the next week, we smile, talk, sing and listen to music. Suddenly, a feeling I have not felt in a long time, comes over me….happiness, mixed with a splash of calm. The stress of life is slowly releasing itself and I feel that this journey is going to be nothing but fun, fun, fun! As we drive, I am trying to soak in everything that I am feeling, thinking, seeing, tasting and smelling. Madison is in the back playing and enjoying this wonderful new experience of driving around in a house, of sorts.

Our first stop, Santa Margarita, where I wish they served cold Margarita’s..but no such luck. We arrive at the campground around 5:30pm and it is empty, only a few campers here and there. The place is not as pretty as it sounds. The campground guidebook I bought says it’s called, ‘Lake Santa Margarita’, but when we pull up, I ask where the lake is, the person says its miles from here and you cannot swim in it -- frankly, it does't sound appealing. The grounds are dusty and dirty, there is an old pool table at the main building with missing balls, the cue sticks have no felt left, the pool is old and a wee bit crude, nonetheless, it’s hot, so we jump in to cool off. We head back to the RV, make some dinner, light the candles and play cards. Madison has selected her bed, which is above the cab, slides her curtains shut and falls asleep.

The following morning, we pack up camp and head to Big Sur, which we have firmly decided, is actually Heaven on Earth. Along the way, we stop at Seal Beach, and watch these huge giants wade, waddle, sleep, play and chatter to each other. We briefly look at the Hearst Castle, which we decide we will tour on the way home and head off to the Big Sur Campground. The drive along Hwy 1 is absolutely breath taking, I have driven it twice now and it never ceases to astound me. Our magnificent planet is truly stunning.

We arrive early enough for a late lunch at the River Inn café, which is gorgeous. The description on the River Inn brochure is everything it says, “Nestled amid towering redwoods along the scenic Big Sur River, lies the historic Big Sur River Inn. Founded by one of the Big Sur’s most prominent pioneering families, it has been the site of fun family vacations and quite getaways for many generations. Relax from the press of civilization on the sun-dappled deck. Renew your spirits with great food and drink in the rustic dining room overlooking the lawn and river. Remember childhood dreams as you lie back in the soft, fragrant grass alongside the Big Sur River.”


Next door is our campground, we settle into our camp site, take a dip in the freezing cold river, which is incredibly refreshing, lazily float down the river in our inner tubes, watching the sun flicker through the trees with the most beautiful natural light on earth, whilst thousands of lady bugs fly overhead. Later we get in line for “happy hour” 50 cent ice-cream, eat hot dogs, build a fire, play cards and take in the beauty of the tall pine trees that surround us, the sound of the river moving, and families talking around their campfires. In this moment, we are content, happy and at peace.

Swirly Whirly Wings and Things

I recently took ownership of the most sensational, wonderful, amazing, beautiful, inspiring, lovely, and creative masterpiece. The lovely and talented SWIRLY GIRL created it especially for me!

The layers are pure magic, the secret messages left deep within make me giggle and smile. This piece of art is such a treasure; it will become my first family heirloom. It hangs above my bed and when I tuck myself in at night, I feel safe and protected and when I wake in the morning, it makes me want to fly. I am the luckiest girl in the world.

If you need more beauty and inspiration in your life visit http://www.swirlygirl.com/

Thanks for being in my life Swirly. Love yah!

Compulsion

I haven’t painted in a long time. Too long. Today for some reason I got the bug. It’s been weird, I usually paint in a certain style, but today took me in a completely direction. Nothing like I have ever done before. I am not sure I like it, but it sure did occupy my mind all day. I started at about 11am and have just now decided to take a break, its 7:04pm. I will probably paint over the entire thing, but before I do, I want to comment (to myself more than anyone) that today has been an interesting process. I had no idea what would come to this canvas, but I didn’t want to wait for an inspiration or idea, I just knew that today, I had to paint. A compulsion…..something that couldn’t be stopped. I had no particular inspiration, which, usually I do. So, this is probably the weirdest and strangest thing I have ever painted, but the 8 hours that has passed since I started, seemed to last an entire 30 minutes……pretty cool…I must like it….I can’t believe I have spent the entire day outside on my patio painting…..Have I been in a time warp? I guess I have…..Anyway, the next time you see this painting, it will probably be entirely different. Actually, I am positive I will just paint over it. Nevertheless, I sure did enjoy the process.

The Adventures of Poo Orca and Pee Dolphin

Poo Orca and Pee Dolphin
A True Love Story

Madison.....You Rock Girl........

Love,

Mom

The Storm

I painted this picture when I was 17 years old. I remember the moment vividly. I had just returned to Los Angeles, from Australia after a very significant moment in my life. It's title; ‘The Storm’.

When I was 15 years old, I boarded an Air New Zealand flight back to Australia, feed up with LA life, wanting to go home. I was a confused little girl, unclear about the direction of my life. It’s silly now, looking back, because who really knows their direction when they are 15 years old – or 45 years old for that matter….. They served me alcohol on that flight and let me smoke cigarettes. I felt so grown up. No one ever believed I was 15 years old, people that met me always assumed I was older. I guess that’s what I projected- I am a grown up, street smart and and speak the adult language.

When I landed at the Melbourne airport, my grandma and grandpa picked me up in their little white car, with red vinyl seats. I could not even tell you the make and model of that car, because that’s exactly what it was..... A Car. Four tires, two seats in the front and a row for three in the back. it had a gearbox with faded numbers and letters on it, 1, 2, 3, 4, R and N on it. Not the way they make them these days, all fancy, literally, just a stick, with a knob on it. My grandfather taught me how to drive in that car…….. I must have been 13 years old when he first let me in the driver’s seat. My grandparents lived at the top of a huge hill and my grandfather said to me, “Trisha, when you can get this baby in gear and get her to the top of that hill, you have graduated and can drive me anywhere.” I will always be fond of that memory because he made me feel so responsible and I was determined to impress him. I must have tried and failed that hill many times, but the day I made it to the top was victorious. My tongue was probably sticking out of my mouth, in deep concentration and determination. I would not fail or let him down. I was in control of this machine, this white “no name car” with red seats and a stick. I got it into 1st gear, let out the clutch without stalling, then, with a steady heart, slipped it into 2nd gear and prayed I wouldn’t roll backwards. This time I made it…pure exhilaration and a sense of accomplishment and trust in my own ability. I love my grandfather for giving me that gift – the gift that I can do anything if I put my mind to it.

My grandmother was 4 foot 2 inches tall, grey short hair, cute as a button and a heart of pure gold…...no joke…..her heart was made of gold….She did not have an indecent bone in her entire body. She was made of sugar and spice, and all things nice. My grandfather, a handsome man in his younger years, now, bald on top, with a few grey stands popping up here and there, was always smiling, telling jokes or war stories. When I arrived in Melbourne, they were waiting for me. For some reason I remember wearing red Levis and a red and white stripy shirt. I had a perm….oh my….the perm….a topic that should be avoided at all costs….I thought I was so cool then, but now when I look back at photographs, I want to gasp and gag myself with a spoon……… Anyway, I remember how happy they were to see me and welcomed me warmly. Their love for me was pure and unconditional, it’s hard to comprehend this kind of love sometimes, but they had it, for me.

After living with them for a little while, I became restless and lacking independence I had become accustom to from a young age, I decided to enroll in Art School. So, I moved out and into a halfway house for reckless teenagers. I loved it there, for a while, I loved the freedom, until the drug art scene quickly consumed me. Not something, I am proud of today, but I have learned to accept that this experience has somehow shaped me into the person I am today, a person I am proud of. My grandparents would show up from time to time - to this house, in The Car, and bring me health food and homemade baked breads. I never invited them inside, because I was ashamed, but that never stopped them from showing up.

Knowing that this environment was going to eat me up and spit me out, I came back to LA, to try finding a better path. LA was not a place that was going to embrace and love me, but the only other place in the world I could think, where I had friends. I am omitting many aspects of this story, because frankly it was traumatic and unpleasant and not want I am trying to write here, what I want to say is this; This painting ‘The Storm’ is a representation of my grandmother holding my hand through my storms and never wanting to let go, because she loved me, unconditionally. Her name was Catherine. She passed away two weeks before my daughter was born, in November 1999. I wish I could have flown to Australia to hold her hand and weather her storm, but my doctor would not let me go in my condition. I regret that decision and wish I had been my reckless 15-year old self and gone anyway…I miss her and the safety of her love…….She was always my shelter from the storm. I hope that one day, someone will remember me in this light….the shelter from their storm, the one person that would never let go of their hand, no matter hard the wind was blowing……..that’s the kind of love that is pure, simple and unconditional….

Cowlick

Cowlick: noun: Projecting lock of hair. Oxford dictionary

This morning, as with most mornings – I wake up, brew a pot of coffee, make breakfast for Madison, get in the shower, wash my hair and most days, I blow dry my hair, some days I can’t be bothered and end up looking like a beached hippie, or a lead singer from an 80’s heavy metal band. But, this morning I busted out my hairdryer and as I was blow drying my hair, I thought about my cowlick. Some of us only have one, some of us more, and some of us have none. Mine is on the right side of my fringe, or bangs as they are called here – weird…..how does that word define the short front part of your hair? Anyway…….my cowlick, that imperfection in my hair, that kink that looks like a cow licked you. It’s always there – no matter hard my big round brush and blow dryer dance together, it never goes away, it’s just always there.

I think I write about the same old crap in my Blog, over-and-over again, just in different ways, trying to somehow explain myself, sort it out, like I am stuck in the middle of a big puzzle and one piece is missing. Just one ruddy missing piece, that piece that’s going to make everything whole, complete the entire picture, the whole kit and caboodle. You know that feeling when you can’t find something and all day it eats away at you, because you need it…you need to know….know where it is. Once you find it, it stops eating you, but sometimes you never know where it is and it’s a big mystery sandwich, but eventually, you let it go. You accept that you can’t find it and stop looking. One of my many talents is my ability to find things. Madison calls me “The Finder of All Things”. It’s true, 99.9% of the time, I can. I could find a needle in a haystack, or the toy that went missing a year ago and all of a sudden there is an immediate emergency to play with it……..the one that went to toy heaven for a while; or the nail clippers that didn’t arrive back in the draw, that have been secretly living under the rug for months – I will find it. It’s a gift! An unusual one, but nonetheless, a gift.

Anyway, my cowlick….while I was trying to sort it out this morning, trying to negotiate with it, trying to make it disappear; I had an epiphany. I realized; I need to stop trying to get rid of it and let it go – stop trying so hard to fix it. I think my big round brush and hairdryer both agreed with me. So, today my cowlick and I embraced each other. As I looked in the mirror one last time, I smiled and let it go. I have let go trying to find that missing piece to my puzzle. It’s just not meant to be found – not today anyway…..

My Kid Could Paint That

This painting was created by a 3 year old little girl named Marla Olmstead. I recently watched the documentary about her, called My Kid Could Paint That. What an incredible story. What a beautiful talent and passion this gorgeous little girl has for art. My heart was so torn up after seeing this film. My daughter, who is also a talented little morsel of an artist, saw the film and her heart was also torn. I won't share our thoughts, however, I will say this, my faith in human behavior, for the sake of a story and money has been shaken to the core. I am pissed off and disappointed that 60 minutes would bother to criticize a 3 year old. I hope they feel shame for putting Marla and her family through such a horrible experience. If people want to pay $100,000 for a painting because they like it and it makes them feel good, what right do the media have to try to discredit her work?

The beauty about Marla is, she doesn't care what other people think. She paints because she loves it. If only we could all be more like her, innocent, passionate and enjoy the artist inside us without worrying what other people think. I hope Marla continues to paint her little heart out.

Destiny

How is it that the stars know so much about our lives and character? What was happening in the universe on March 21st 1973? What cosmic burst occurred on that day that said, "on this day, this year, this moment, the moment you are born, you will be"; bossy, daring, direct, honest, competitive, adventurous, optimistic, passionate, adventurous, spontaneous, artistic, creative, daring, head strong, guileless, vivacious, defiant, impulsive, immature, reckless? OR that I would like; winning, handmade items, love, romance, new clothes, red flowers, fast cars, surprise parties, one-of-a-kind gifts, or that I would dislike; being late, restrictions, losing, feeling hungry, standing in line, indecision, and phonies.

Really........how does this work? I read that a Greek philosopher, named Heracleitus said, "Character is destiny." Who you are - complete with all of your goals, tendencies, habits, virtues, and vices - will determine how you act and react, thereby creating your life's destiny.

This is what my astrology said about me today.... "Things are looking up, yet there's a stress that won't magically disappear. But even with too much happening, you can make time to enjoy yourself without going into denial about something important. You have an innate skill: you can stay focused in the present moment when you are passionate. Use your concentration wisely by preparing for what's coming instead of scattering your attention all over the place".

I guess my destiny is already created for me and my path has already been paved. So, today I will enjoy myself and stay focused in the present moment and be passionate. Maybe that includes being spontaneous and going to the beach, sitting under my umbrella with a good book and some great tunes! That sounds innate and focussed to me...

Well, I think my star sign accurately defines my character and I wouldn't disagree with what it says. I like my character, flaws and all. I am who I am.....and I can't change that.

I read a proverb yesterday that I really love, "Do not wish to be anything but what you are, and be that perfectly." -Zen Proverb

A little slice of heaven

Today I decided that after my doctor’s appointment I would ride my bike down to a little deli on 11th Street. I heard about this place last year, a place I promised a friend I would visit. I cannot believe I have waited so long…I am in love….I had no idea that such a simple little visit to a deli could put such a huge grin on my face. Firstly, this place is no secret. I had to fight for a parking spot and tackle my way to get a number from the little red machine, but this did not remove the smile from my face. This place is like eye candy for the tummy with tons of special items on the shelves that I had forgotten all about, such as Nutella. I used to eat Nutella as a kid. That yummy chocolate paste the you smear all over your toast and as you eat it, leaves smudge all over your cheeks. Yummy…....Anyway, as I waited for my number to be called, I felt like a kid in a candy shop, small and insignificant compared to all the smells and colors that surrounded me. The hustle and bustle of the people intoxicated me, as I stood there, nervous and excited all at the same time. When the man on the other side of the counter finally called out my number, 59, I thought I might have a panic attack. What should I order? So many choices…..I approached the counter and in a very quiet voice, asked if I could please have a turkey and salami sandwich. As I waited for my sandwich to be prepared, the man standing next to me was anxiously clutching his number, waiting for it to be called, #66. They called number 61; he turned to me and said, “I love it when people just leave because they don’t want to wait. I hope people to start to leave soon”. He looked at his number again. I smiled and said I had never been here before. He looked at me as if I was an alien from outer space, or maybe the look was because he felt excited for me, that someone new was going to experience a little slice of heaven.

The man behind the counter handed me my sandwich and I began to walk through the aisles a little aimlessly trying not to bump into anyone. I stopped and looked at the jars of capers, jams, pasta sauces, special cooking tools, smelling cheeses, looking at wine bottles; I must have walked around for 20 minutes in a slight state of utopia. I could not bring myself to purchase anything just yet, I was feeling rather intimidated. So tomorrow, I think I will return and buy out the place and maybe even cook up a storm.

Sometimes it’s the little things….the little things in life that can give us a surge of happiness.

Note to Self: Do not forget about the little things….

Oh…….the sandwich was perfection! So was the Toblerone I ate for desert......

Tangled

There are some days when my head is swarming with words, ideas, stories, questions, answers......sometimes they come and go so quickly I become annoyed that they didn't stick around longer so I could really grasp them, hold them, nurse them, drink them, write them down. But in that brief moment they are flying around my head, there is a moment of clarity or peace that I feel from these concepts, words, questions........and occasionally in these moments, my silent voice brings a calm wave of warmth over my body and I realize my mind is awake and alive.

Anger is not an emotion that I have been very familiar with, however , recently I discovered it. It has been laying deep within me like burning hot lava at the bottom of a volcano, ready to explode with red hot flowing rage at any moment. I have been questioning where it's coming from and sometimes the answer will flicker in my mind, and 'puff', it is gone....I asked my sister the other day why she thought I was 'feeling so much' these days and she said, "I think your finally waking up Trisha." I think she's right.

I am starting to feel less tangled and beginning to release my tightly wound ball of a self, and I am coming undone. I am beginning to let go and leave the past in the past, where it belongs and pick up the paint brush and start painting my future and not be affraid of what might appear on my canvas........It feels good......

"If you live without fear, if you love, there is no place for any of those emotions, it is logical that you will feel good. When you feel good, everything around you is good. When everything around you is great, everything makes you happy. You are loving everything that is around you, because you like the way you are. Because you are content with you. Because you are happy with your life. You are happy with the movie that you are producing, happy with your agreements with your life. You are at peace, and you are happy. You live in that state of bliss where everything is so wonderful, and everything is so beautiful. In that state of bliss you are making love all the time with everything that you perceive." -- The Four Agreements

Life and Death

I would like to share this story with any woman who is taking birth control. This is very important information that I feel, as woman need to know with complete certainty, because our LIFE DEPENDS on us knowing our bodies and what we are putting into it. I also urge men to become educated on this subject and know what the person you love is putting into her body.

Monday I went to the emergency room because I had a "gut" feeling that something was not quite right. I was completely prepared to be told to go home as a silly girl, who was worried about nothing and just wasting important doctors time for nothing, however, I was immediately admitted into the hospital and told that I could have dropped dead at any moment. This is not a joke.

Last week I noticed swelling under my right arm. It became quite painful, very quickly. I thought I must have strained it somehow, but as the days wore on, it was so painful, that six Advil could not relieve the pain. I was also experiencing a fever and waking up in the middle of the night drenched in perspiration. I also had a cough for several weeks, which was not getting any better, and recently noticed that climbing stairs made me short of breath. The following day I went to the doctor and she put me on anti-biotic. She told me it seemed as though I had an infection and it was trying to come out of my arm, instead of my nose or mouth, which may have been caused by my deodorant clogging my glands. She told me that if my arm tuned black and blue, I should immediately go to the emergency room. I thought this comment was strange, being that I had just been diagnosed with an infection, nonetheless, I was prepared to go home and feel better within a couple of days.

When I got home that night, my veins started to appear like a road map across my chest and down my arm. My arm was also swollen. I did not recognize that as a sign of ‘black and blue’, so I went to bed. That night, I woke up, drenched in sweat and this time was having trouble breathing. I assumed I was just breaking my fever. The following morning I felt a little better and went about my day. I assumed that in a couple of days, the anti-biotic would kick in and I would start to feel like my old self again. A few days later, I was getting my daughter ready for school and I felt faint. I almost passed out, right there in the kitchen while making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, but somehow I gained my balance, drove her to school and actually volunteered there until after lunchtime. As I was driving home, I felt that something wasn’t quite right. I was not feeling my strong healthy self, my arm was still in pain and very swollen, in fact it was almost twice the size of my other arm. I decided to stop by the emergency room on the way home, with the hope they would tell me I was just getting rid of an infection.

After receiving an ultrasound on my arm, followed by a terrible CT scan of my chest - now let me tell you…this procedure is not pleasant - they inject a horrible dye into your veins, so they can get a good picture of what’s happening inside your body, it feels like poison, it tastes like metal, it feels hot, it feels like you wet your pants, and although it’s over with quickly, it isn’t something I would like to do again. The doctor immediately diagnosed me with a blood clot in my arm. It had traveled through my heart and into my lungs. It is still in my arm and lungs and by pure chance or luck, missed the main artery of my heart, thus not killing me. The cause they say….birth control….I could not believe it. After three days in hospital with nurses and doctors coming in every few hours to draw my blood like vampires, check my blood pressure, monitor my heart, inject me with medication and so on, I lay there bewildered and emotional that this has happened to me. I simply cannot believe I am laying here a sick person, in a hospital with sick people, because of birth control.

I am home now, I have to inject myself each morning with blood thinners, which is horrible, and I have to take a pill version of blood thinners for, at least the next 6-months. This means that if I cut myself, I could bleed to death, if I hit my head, I could bleed to death, if I bump myself I am going to bruise easily, and thus may cause more blood clots. In essence, I have to treat my physical body like a delicate flower for the next six months while it repairs itself. I cannot even eat green leafy vegetables, as vitamin KI, found in green leafy vegetables, combats that blood thinning medications, which by the way is a form of Rat poison. Could it get any worse? Probably, but at this point I am questioning if sex is even worth it. Well… ok, sex is definitely worth it, but this experience has my eyes wide open on the subject of birth control.
Almost all my girlfriends are on some form of birth control, which most of them get from the free clinic. Are they educated about the risks? Are you educated on the pros and cons of birth control? If you knew all the side effects it can cause, having a baby might be a hell of a lot easier and a lot more rewarding. I know I am being a little cynical, but I certainly know what it is like to have a baby, and I know what it is like not to want a baby.

Choices…...we have many choices. However, we should be very well informed about our choices. My doctor never told me I would be at risk for blood clots, or any risks for that matter. He knows my entire health history, my age, my shoe size. Not only that, he gave me free samples and sent me on my way. There was no brochure inside the package with any form of warning labels on them. I did my own research on the Internet on this particular form of birth control (NuvaRing) and must have overlooked that blood clots were a side effect, or maybe I just ignored them thinking that none of the side effects would ever happen to me; after all, I am a healthy, strong 35 year old woman, who is immune to any kind of dangerous, life threatening side effects and my doctor prescribed it to me…….right? Wrong…. In fact, I just researched NuvaRing and there are several lawsuits pending as it has caused many blood clots in woman, some have even died.

This has been a terribly emotional, stressful and horrific experience for me that I am still trying to digest and make sense of what has happened.

Please, lovely ladies…..I beg you to ask questions. I urge you to get educated. Do your research. I advise you to know exactly what you are putting into your body. Men too…….ask your ladies if they have questioned everything, everything………. Woman are the too beautiful, wonderful, caring, lovely and precious to be lost to something as sheepishly simple as birth control.

Unanimity

Read, every day, something no one else is reading. Think, every day, something no one else is thinking. Do, every day, something no one else would be silly enough to do. It is bad for the mind to be always part of unanimity.

Smelly

I haven’t blogged in a long time, mainly because I haven’t been feeling so great and don’t really want to air all my dirty laundry and struggles of late, but maybe I should just let go and spill the beans….so here goes…..I have been felling really crappy lately, plain and simple. If there is a God, then I pray that he stop throwing poo in my face. Now, I don’t mind poo so much, but I certainly don’t like it in my face and it seems that no matter which way I turn, I am getting poo thrown in my face. I think I am a good person. I know I am a good person, but sometimes I feel like no matter how much ‘good’ I do, God, or whoever, or whatever, is up there laughing at me and saying “honey that ain’t good enough and if you don’t get it soon, I will continue to throw poo in your face until you do.” What do I need to learn? What is the message? What am I missing? Or, is this what they mean by, “this is as good as it gets?”
The last 12 months has been jam packed with the most traumatic, exciting, sad, infuriating, exhilarating, depressing, lustful, turbulent, exuberant, horrible, and challenging times of my life. Yes…...it’s all over the place. Up and down like a roller-coaster ride. It all started with a house….well maybe not entirely, but maybe that’s the straw that broke the camel’s back…or something like that…..so, the house…..the “dream” the beautiful house on the hill, with the view of the world, that would be custom built for three. Maybe that’s the moment when I woke up from the dream and realized that the dream was really a façade. Maybe I realized I was a phony….it’s hard to tell the difference sometimes between reality and fantasy, maybe everything is just a dream anyway?
Anyway, the last 12 months…..I have been on my own for the first time in 15 years. Well, not entirely on my own, for that last 8 years, I have a little shadow that follows me around..my mini me if you will….my creative, eccentric soul of a daughter. But, essentially, I am alone, as far as trying to figure out who I am as an individual. I am trying to figure out how to be a woman, how to be a single mother, how to be creative, how to make a living, how to love, how to be happy, how to do it all…..alone. I am not sure that we are meant to be alone, but I know that at the end of the day, all I really own or have is ME and ME alone. Although I have many friends and people around that love and adore me, maybe the reason God is throwing poo at me, is because I am God and since I’ve had 12 months to get on the right path and haven’t yet figured it out, it is in fact me throwing poo in my own face? Now, that hurts my feelings, but at the same time it seems to make sense. Maybe my expectations of myself are too high….Maybe I need to not feel so guilty that I haven’t figured out my purpose on this earth yet. I want a purpose. This makes me feel good. When I have a purpose, I fly….My purpose used to be creating a home for my husband and child. My purpose was to make them happy. My purpose was to create a safe haven for them to exist. But now…..what is my purpose?
I guess my purpose right now is learning how to love myself. It’s really hard sometimes. It’s so much easier to love someone else. It’s so much easier to make someone else happy. How……how on earth do we make ourselves happy? I have to confess….I am happy when I’ve made someone else happy….but what does this say about me? Does this mean I don’t love myself?
I am a very fortunate girl and I realize that I have had a hand in creating that, yet, at the same time, I wonder….is it possible to be happy when you have no one else to love and make happy, or is it only once we love ourselves completely that we are in fact whole and happy?

So God…..no more poo, please….. it’s smelly and it tastes like shit….

With the End also comes New Beginnings

The end has finally arrived with a story that begun a very long time ago. This is the house I bought a year ago with my husband.

This house was going to be " the dream"!
But sometimes dreams change. People fall out of love. People change their minds about what they really want in life. People disagree. People file for divorce.

Despite the change of dreams, for the last year,
I have been renovating and renovating and renovating this house.
Well, not me personally, but still...A great deal of time, energy and money spent on this house.
This house will never be my home. Sometimes I feel sad about it, but mostly I have been learning that houses and money don't make people happy.
This is probably the most valuable lesson I have learned from this experience.

And even though I love beautiful things, (which is exactly what this house is - a beautiful thing) there are many other beautiful things in the world, which have way more importance to my soul.




My home is where my heart is
And my heart is safely beating in my chest
at a thousand beats per minute


So, the end has come and a new beginning is being written...it will probably start something like this; Once upon a time there was a girl who had a dream that she was flying around the universe looking for something.....something that made her free, wild and

happy......

Mistakes....

Can we ever really learn from our mistakes, or does the essence that defines us make it impossible for us to ever learn from them??
Over the years, I have learned a few things about myself - that define me and even though I know I have flaws, I simply cannot change them, believe me, I have tried.
For one, I am incredibly impulsive. I know it. My friends know it. My family know it. No matter, I simply cannot learn from my mistakes, and believe me when I say, I do many impulsive things because I want to live in the moment, ‘do’ before I think, ‘do’ what feels good now, without really thinking it thru…. Case in point…Saturday night I was walking on 3rd Street Promenade and saw a couple with a beautiful Siberian husky mother, with her six puppies. Of course, I could not walk on by without picking up a puppy and cuddling it. They tell me they are selling the puppies and want to find fantastic homes for them. I immediately start to analyze why I should purchase one. A) I love dogs. B) I am a huge animal lover. C) They are SO, SO adorable it makes my heart ache. D) They need a good home, which I can provide. E) The one I am holding, I have an instant connection with, she looks at me as if to say, I am YOURS. F-Z) I completed the entire alphabet on why I should take this tiny morsel home. However, I am out to see a movie, so cannot possibly do it now, and besides, I did not bring my checkbook. However, like any pansy, I give the person my phone number, in case I may want to get her tomorrow.
Sunday, the phone rings, “Hello, we meet last night, I have the puppies and was wondering if you are still interested?” What does my impulsive personality say, “Of course, can you bring them by my place so I can pick one?” The next think I know, I am hosting a mommy Siberian husky, her six perfect puppies and their two owners. My place immediately becomes a mad house; mommy is trying to keep all six of her pups in line and the pups just want to explore, smell, pee and pooh all over my house. Still, I am suckered into one particular puppy, named, Smiles, because she has a permanent smile planted on her face. I cannot resist. Despite the fact that my daughter is suffering from an allergic reaction, despite the fact that I just bought all new furniture and I know how puppies are going to chew on every corner, despite the fact that I just lost the love of my life, Lucy, whom is irreplaceable, despite all my better judgment, I take out my checkbook, pay them an unsightly amount of money, which is against my religion ( I would prefer to rescue a pup from the shelter), and thank them profusely. Then I clean up the massive mess these seven doggies have made and sit on the floor with this gorgeous, well-behaved cuties pie and have buyer’s remorse. I call it, “pulling a Trisha”. It is the story of my life…Running into something because my heart pulls me so hard, I have no choice.
Dakota, as she is now named, is the perfect pup. She is docile when I want her to be, playful when the timing is right, yet charming and perfectly in tuned with her environment. The sad part of my impulsive behavior…..Madison is allergic and breaks out in hives at the touch of her, and my property owner wants an obscene amount of money for a deposit. Sadly, I have to give her back.
Will I ever learn from my mistakes or is it just part of my obscure nature to be impulsive and follow my heart? Oh…….. The heart is a painful, yet amazing organ that drives me. Maybe I will never learn, but I know my heart will always be in the right place….I pray that she finds a wonderful home where she will be loved, unconditionally, as I would have loved her if the timing were right. Timing….that’s another story in and of its self…
I did purchase a Toyota Hybrid yesterday. This was also impulsive, but at least I am not polluting the air anymore with my massive Range Rover, or at least not until I embark on a road trip. I know these two things do not relate in the slightest, but somehow it makes me feel a little better, even though my heart is broken. I admit, I have made many mistakes over my life – but I am learning that this does not make me a bad person, even if I feel like one.

Inspiration

I am tired of writing about my feelings for the moment. How I feel about this and that. I am, especially tired of writing about being sad and dismal - I have decided if I am going to keep at this blogging thing, I am going to attempt being a little more inspiring. This weekend, my inspiration came from an Angel!

I have wanted to do a photo shoot up North with a model who would pose as an Angel for me. I was also secretly praying she would allow me to take nude photos of her, which she did and I am extremely grateful, as they are stunningly beautiful. Thanks Larissa! You are beautiful and the camera loves you!

This weekend I took my model, my best friend and we road tripped it up to Big Sur, along the way we stopped at locations we thought would inspire us, and I am so happy with the results. I am so happy and proud of my pictures. The drive was a chance to get out, see more of our beautiful landscape in California, and remove ourselves from the daily grind. I am inspired to do this more often, as this trip has reminded me that the open road, wind, weather and fabulous company can do a lot for the soul. We were laughing so hard all the way because we were saying things like…ooooohhhhh look at those mountains, aren’t they beautiful, oooohhhhhh look at the colors of those flowers, aren’t they magnificent, ooooohhhhh look at that cow, isn’t he cute and ooooohhhhh the ocean is so spectacular. You would have thought we had never seen mountains, ocean or a cow before. Tee hee…..

We left Santa Monica at around 11am and did not arrive in Big Sur until 10pm. We drove the entire way on Hwy1 and we stopped a lot to take photos of our Angel, wow, what fun! We turned many heads and got many honking horns when people driving past saw a beautiful angel standing on the side of the road. When we stopped at a graveyard, two people saw our angel and decided to stop, get out of their cars and take photos of us. How cute!

When we arrived at the little cabin for the night, it was freezing cold, lucky for my friends I am a master fire starter! Ha…We oohhed and aahhed over the pictures and laughed until close to 3am. We could see every single star and constellation in the night sky and when we ran out of firewood, I ran out into the forest and gathered some more, the moment could not have been more perfect. It is a wonderful feeling to arrive somewhere in the black of night and not know where you are or what to except to see in the morning when you wake up.

I realize how important it is for me to get out more often and be inspired, and if you’re not inspired, get in your car and drive somewhere you’ve never been before and maybe inspiration will find you. I am feeling incredibly inspired and artistic these days and the future is open with endless possibility.

Love and Inspiration…

Merry-go-round

"To love means to open ourselves to the negative as well as the positive - to grief, sorrow, and disappointment as well as to joy, fulfillment, and an intensity of consciousness we did not know was possible before." -- Rollo May

Life is a short path that leads down many roads, alleys, avenues, sidewalks, but sometimes it feels like a merry-go-round, around, and around we go, without ever getting off to walk the road. Sometimes I feel as though I am the only one on this merry-go-round, but the more I open my eyes and step outside my own universe I realize that many people feel this way. They are trying to navigate a new journey in life, overcome artistic angst, trying to unravel the questions to happiness, love, the meaning of life, work, money, family. The theme is the common thread that ties us together as human beings. Not one of us perfect, yet we are all striving to find the peace within ourselves that makes this merry-go-round meaningful and have purpose.
I remember the days when getting on that merry-go-round was exciting and thrilling; up and down, round and round, screaming I want to do it again! However, after years of the same old thing, it becomes monotonous, a queasy feeling overcomes, and eventually it all comes up. I used to think that it was better to hold it all in than to let myself throw up, because throwing up is messy and requires a bucket, a hair tie, a mop and air-freshener. I am finally throwing up all over myself and it is coming out, with vengeance. I am beginning to let go, allow my life to get messy for a while and not except to have all the answers right now. I trying to not compare or measure my life along side anyone else or strive to be or have something that I can never reach. How do we measure our lives anyway? By how much money we have, how many friends we have, how happy we are, what we have accomplished, how smart we are, how creative we are, how well we live? Should we measure our lives at all? Maybe it is a hell of a lot simpler to do the best we can, not stress over the small stuff and not think about shit too much. I know when I think too much, I get straight back on that merry-go-round and always end up in the same place, going around in circles. I am not saying we should not think, because that is what makes us human, but I mean get out in the world, experience things, try new things and make decisions based on what feels good, what feels right.
I continually hear messages all around me such as, live in the moment, love what you do, do what you love, follow your heart, do what you are passionate about, fall and grow your wings on the way down, follow your own path, but what if these things are easier said than done? What if your path is already laid out and you can’t stop walking that road because you have responsibilities and even if you want to get off the road for awhile, sit on a rock and ponder the universe, try something new, or take a different road, you can’t, because you made decisions earlier in life that affect everything decision and every move you now make?
These ideas sound lovely, romantic, beautiful, hopeful and all the rest, but maybe easier said than done? It doesn’t mean we should give up. Never give up. As hard as it all may seem, never, ever stop dreaming or believing what you believe. What is true for you, is true for you and no one can ever take that away.
Each day is different and with each dawn a new question, a new problem, a new idea, an old idea that has been floating around for a while, new quests, old sorrows, new sorrows, new joy!
I may not always practice what I preach, but I sure know what I want to preach. Love life, live life as if it your last, live for yourself, follow your own path and be free, always.

Express Yourself

This is my first attempt at making one of these...This is for Madison, and all souls who dare to be different, real, honest and beautiful.

A Gradual Awakening

I have been flapping my wings hard these days, but since I am still learning how to use them, they are bumping into everything, mainly myself. In the grand scheme of things, life is fantastic, but sometimes I hit bumps in the road, some bigger than others. I’ve been rolling over these bumps lately, bumps like, self doubt and guilt. Doubt that I can’t accomplish my goals, because I am not good enough, or afraid to try because I might fail. The other bump is guilt…that little devil of a word. Guilt - that when I dream, I dream of big things, but when I open my eyes, I am still standing in the same dam place. Guilt – guilt that I have everything I need, but not what I want, guilt that what I want is selfish, guilt that I am not doing enough to help the world, and guilt that I feel guilty.

On the outside, people may see me and think; what does she have to complain about? She drives a nice car, has a nice place to live, all the standard middle class values, but on the inside I want to scream! Why should I care what anyone thinks? The only person, who should admire me, is ME. Maybe I’ve neglected myself for so long and for the first time in my life I have to stand alone and figure it out. I am trying to discover what I want, who I am, and what I want to become, which is a difficult process because I have never thought about it that much before. It’s kind of like waking up in the morning and I am Alice in Wonderland, and the caterpillar is staring at me asking, “Who are you? My reply at this very moment is just as Alice said, “I hardly know sir, just at present - at least I knew who I was when I got up this morning, but I think I must have changed several times since then.”

I thought I could be the perfect mother, with the perfect child, with the perfect picket fence, the perfect white dress, you know……… the movie you see with the perfect family…..but that’s not how it turned out…….. I am not those things. I am not perfect. I am not superhuman. My daughter is an eccentric, which I wouldn’t change for the world, but also makes it difficult, because I constantly feel like people judge me for her behavior and her wicked sense of humor.

The other night my daughter watched Edward Scissor Hands and I could tell she related so strongly to him that she began to cry because she saw a little of herself in him. She had empathy for him, because he is different – Here was this little town, where everyone was the same, same houses, same cars, the woman at home dressed the same, the men mowing the lawn and this strange guy with scissors on his hands, and a heart of gold. I could see she related with Edward and understood him completely. She said to me, “Mom, I like Edward, because I am different also. “ I tried so hard not to cry, I told her that Edward is amazing, and even though he is different and misunderstood, he represents a peace and innocence in this strange world, and even though he may appear strange on the outside, he is perfectly amazing on the inside! I admire her strength to realize that being different is fine and great, maybe I should listen to her words of wisdom and not be afraid of what others think.

I admire people who can go out into the world and not be sorry for who they are, or what they want, they wake up in the morning and go for it……even when times are tough and there are a million reasons not to get out of bed. I am working through a great deal of change at the moment, but I know I am wrapped in a blanket of love, compassion and healthy advice from my friends and that makes me feel safe to share, be open and honest and it also makes me the luckiest gal in the world.

I just flipped open a little book and it landed on this passage: “To be alive is the biggest fear humans have. Death is not the biggest fear we have; our biggest fear is taking the risk to be alive – the risk to be alive and express what we really are. Just being ourselves is the biggest fear of humans. We have learned to live our lives trying to satisfy other people’s demands. We have learned to live by other people’s points of view because of the fear of not being accepted and of not being good enough for someone else. Trying to be good enough for them, we create an image of perfection, but we do not fit this image. We create this image, but this image is not real. We are never going to be perfect from this point of view. Never!” The Four Agreements.


Despite my moment of weakness, self-doubt and guilt, I embrace it all, for I know I am alive, awake, imperfect, always learning, improving, and growing my wings every day. But, most importantly I know that if I fall or crash, I have the most wonderful safety net to catch and love me.