Im gonna sit here on this page until I have something positive or inspiring to write.....
Ok... here it is..... wait for it.... Im thinking...... thinking.......
Ok.... most of what I write is for me and me alone, but that doesn't matter. I write it. I write it because its good for me. I write it because it takes the pressure off. I write it because it keeps me writing. I write it because there's nothing else to do. I write it. Just write it.
Today I feel silly. Today I feel strangely daring. Today I want to scream. Today I want to be solum, but I can't. Today I want to fly. Today I want to sing. Today I want to dance, to my iPod as I walk down the street. Today I want to hug a stranger. Today I want to be famous. Today I want to smile. Today I want to cry. Today I wish I were whole. Today I have hope.
Sometimes there is no rhyme or reason for the things we do. Sometimes there is simply just a feeling that urges us towards a certain adventure or opportunity. It’s a funny experience because I am sure there are people who know how to logically control these impulses and some of us that are such emotional creatures that nothing anyone says, can talk us down from the ledge.
I think the ledge is there for a reason. It is to go there, look, feel, experience, enjoy, not enjoy, embrace, hate, or love, so that we can determine if the ledge is the place for us. What would happen if we never went to the ledge? What would happen if we stood in the same place all the time? It’s kind of like this blog. I started it for reasons…..reasons…….actually not of my own ‘reason’ but of someone else’s reason. Anyway, that doesn’t matter anymore. I know there are not many people who read it, but for some strange reason I am compelled to continue. To express myself in this private world, to share, to hide, to write my thoughts down so they don’t remain in my head. Most people I know use their blog as a source for inspiration or a creative outlet, but I haven’t arrived in that place yet. To me it just feels good to express myself and say what I want and occasionally the universe will give me some relief for having done so.
My life and thoughts have recently been so focused on questioning the universe and myself that it is almost impossible for me to detangle myself from these things. I find it interesting that people I encounter openly tell me that I am a woman on a journey. People who hardly know me tell that they think I am becoming something new, something I should have been a long time ago. It is a difficult pill to swallow, because it is true. I am exploring and questioning everything life has to offer and sometimes I feel like I am going a little bit nuts. However, I think I am narrowing the meaning of life down to a few important things, which are…..
Love, creativity, honestly, and the other is being your true self. I probably should say family. In regards to family I will say that I have recently embraced that to me family, means; Madison, my sister, my Grandmother, my dearest friends, some aunts, uncles and cousins that I am very fond of. However, usually the first thing that comes to mind when we say the word ‘family’ is mother and father, the two people that brought us into this world in the first place. However, for some reason, even though these two very dynamic people are “my family” I just cannot relate to them, at all. I mean after all, the thing that creates love and understanding is affinity, reality and communication. The thing that lacks with my folks is reality and communication, real communication. The kind of communication that is honest, respectful and understood. Probably the most important issue that creates communication and affinity in the first place, is a similar reality of life. How can I create reality with them when we have completely different views about life and livingness?
I wonder if this lack of love and understanding is why when I meet someone that truly gets what I am saying and doesn’t judge me or use me, I love and respect as my ‘family’ so much more than my own parents? It’s that time of year again, when we should be celebrating family, yet, I will be alone gain this year, with no one special to enjoy this season with. If it weren’t for my daughter, I would run away again, the way I did last year.
I have so much love in my heart that sometimes I pull back for fear of being made a mockery of, or betrayed. I know I shouldn’t do this, as loving someone or something so much that it hurts is all part of the ride. I guess I am as guilty as the next to ‘not disclose’ everything I am feeling or thinking, afraid of some strange consequence. On the other hand, maybe it is better to leave some things unsaid. I do not know anymore. Nevertheless, the thing that I hate the most is, it is not honest. So why do I do it? Do I simply want to appease everybody all the time? Do I feel sorry for the things I really think or feel? On the other hand, is it that I am still uncertain about what I truly think and feel?
I am embracing the idea that I have a wild nature, I do not want anyone to control me or tell me what to do, yet I have a strong sense of moral and ethical responsibility. For some reason I cannot seem to separate the two with a sense of balance. I have heard people talk about having ‘balance’ in their lives, but I am questioning if that is possible. I am beginning to feel that there is no such thing as balance, only one extreme, or another. Maybe a little ‘gradient scale’ of balance, but not even scales. Maybe that’s why the justice symbol is always off balance. They already know there is no such thing as true balance. It’s always a little bit off kilter.
As I stumble down this bumpy road of life, exploring all it has to offer…I am becoming more aware that love, creativity, honesty and family are the most important truths in this life. Everyone probably has their own definitions of these words, but to me these things are just as important as eating, sleeping, drinking and being merry. These things make us a whole. Even if we think, we are whole because we have a great job, great family, great friendships…were not whole until we have someone who understands us completely and loves us unconditionally for it. The thing I am most terrified of in my life is ……LOVE… I am one who falls in love quickly and passionately, I am afraid, because of this, I will spend the rest of my life alone, and forever be a skeptic. That maybe love is a false pretence so that we are not lonely. I know with complete certainty that I don’t want to be alone. I want someone to create with, dream with, play games, love, cherish, share my most intimate moments, feel wanted, useful, someone who admires me, laughs with me, is my “in case of emergency” person. Yet, I wonder, is it possible for this to one person, one man?
I guess loving is easy, its intimacy that is the bitch. Not just with the opposite sex, but in all things life related…..
Next week marks the first year anniversary of my beloved Lucy’s death. Lucy was born July 14, 1994 and died in my arms on November 15, 2007. She was diagnosed with Spleen Cancer. The doctors told me that they could operate to remove the tumor, and she would live for a few more months, but after long discussions with Lucy, we both decided she would rather be out of pain and leave us with pride, dignity and love in her heart. She had done such a wonderful job of protecting and loving me for 14-years and she did not want to live a few more months with pain.
Lucy was the love of my life, the unconditional kind of love. We had many good times together, long secret chats about life, chats that she would never repeat, complete trust and lots of snuggles. For a red head, she was not a feisty girl; she was a lover, nurturer, and sweetheart to the core. I remember one night, when she was just a puppy; I received a phone call from my grandmother in Australia telling me that my Grandfather had just passed away. I was beside myself with grief as we spoke on the phone, and Lucy climbed up into my lap, staring at me with her big brown eyes, complete sympathy and empathy and she told me that I would be ok, she would love me, the sadness would soon become less, and that I would smile again.
As loyal as Lucy was to me, I have felt that getting another dog would somehow betray her. I have been unable to see myself with another dog. Her loss was worse than any heartbreak I have ever endured. However, today, instead of morning her, I decided to celebrate her. Madison and I drove an hour out of LA to look at puppies. We feel in love with a beautiful little white Labrador retriever. She was born 17 days ago, and is still nursing with her mommy, so we will drive an hour every weekend to visit and play with her until she is old enough to come home to her new family. Actually, we pick her up Christmas Eve….(Santa is going to get BIG BROWNY points this year)!
We think we will call her Sadie, but until we spend more time with her, we cannot be certain of her name. More to come…
But this is for Lucy…..
My dearest beloved Lucy, I will forever love you I will never forget you I hope you love me still I hope you are happy Wherever you are No one can replace you You were my friend I was your friend I hope you are dreaming of me As I am dreaming of you I miss you, I miss you, I miss you