Divorce

Divorce; A definition(s): Noun: total separation; disunion: a divorce between thought and action. Verb: to separate by divorce: The judge divorced the couple, to break the marriage contract between oneself and (one's spouse) by divorce: She divorced her husband. to separate; cut off: Life and art cannot be divorced.

It has been 16-months since my husband and I separated. Our marriage lasted 15 years. That is more than half of my adult life. Technically, (in the eyes of the law) we are still married, so he is technically still my husband and I am technically his wife. I have never spoken about my marriage on my blog, but the time seems to be approaching to let go and finally release certain feelings, resentments, losses, angst, confusion and share, my thoughts on the subject, out-loud.

When two people meet, a particular chemistry takes place that draws one to the other. A love that may begin with lust and attraction, but as they begin to share a life together, a bond forms and love grows, admiration blossoms and a future begins to be written, a story, of two people sharing their lives together. Sometimes we agree, sometimes we do not, but the love is strong enough to keep them tied together, (through thick and thin-this has two connotations. Richer or poorer, sickness and in health). So much intimacy, so much power, so much creation, so much joy, so many triumphs. So how does it happen that two people, who were once so in love, fall out of love and end their marriage with divorce and what if you cannot truly ‘divorce’ because you share something so special together, a child?

My husband told me the other evening that he thinks I am a Chameleon. There are a couple of definitions for Chameleon, one of which is the obvious; a lizard capable of changing the color of its skin – the other; a changeable, fickle or inconstant person. I am sure he meant I was both. I have been pondering the comment for the last few days and I have decided he is right. I am a bit of a chameleon. When I feel threaten or in danger, I may change my color, blend in become camouflaged. When I am happy and content I may just be there glowing the color red. If you ask me, chameleons are very clever and adaptable. In regards to fickle and inconstant, I have to admit, there is some truth to that. At least I am not boring, or average. Huh…funny, I just remembered the engagement ring he gave me was a small diamond with a flaw in the middle of it, a little piece of black coal -that’s me alright, a beautifully flawed diamond! I guess he already knew that when he proposed.


Divorce is the most traumatic, turbulent, disgusting, frustrating, horrible place to find yourself standing. I would not wish it on my worst enemy. I would rather cut off my left arm than ever experience divorce. Many difficult changes, such as, what happens if he remarries and my daughter has a stepmother and I want to scratch her eyes out for spending time with MY child, or touching a hair on her head. Yes, I said that out-loud…it has been on my mind lately. I guess its motherly instinct. I was once a true believer in love. I was once a believer in marriage. I was once a believer in the special union of a husband and wife, of family and I hope, I pray, that when I make it through to the other side of this mess, I will believe again.


It is difficult to put a good book down and start a new one, especially when you have not made it to the last chapter yet. Sometimes I wonder if I am actually in the middle of a bad book, and I am putting it down without ever knowing if it has a good ending where everyone rides off into the sunset. To be honest, I am not sure which book I’ve been reading and I must confess, that the pain and confusion of not knowing, has sent me too many lonely nights with a trusty bottle of wine to numb my thoughts and feelings, to avoid waking up and facing my life, alone, with no book to read at all.


I try to remain positive, force myself to do new things, meet new people, but honestly, there are days when I simply cannot put a smile on my face. Sometimes, I feel completely uncertain, alone and lost….like walking into a strange dark room and you cannot find the light switch, even though I know it is there, somewhere…. These days, these feelings are becoming less, mainly from pure determination to end one chapter and start a new one, a chapter whereby I stand stronger and wiser, on top of a mountain screaming, “I made it and I will never look back down again”.


I love my husband, (soon to be ex-husband) and he loves me. We will always love each other, which proves………to me, that ‘love’, does not conquer all. So, why do Hollywood movies make us believe it does? If love will bring us together, what keeps it together? Maybe it is learning to respect and admire our partner’s qualities, good and bad, flaws and all. Maybe it’s trusting the universe and time to heal all wounds and trusting that when you least expect it, you will receive understanding, compassion and love from someone, somewhere unexpected.
Please do not read this and be discouraged from marriage. Marriage is a beautiful union, which is why it hurts so much if it ends. But if you’re entering into this union, as several of my dear friends are soon, remember, be kind, respect, understand, create, and never make your partner feel bad for just being themselves. Oh….and love each other……..


Jason, if you happen to stumble across this, thanks for the 15 years we did share. We did have many wonderful times together.