To be or not to be

There are days when we feel on top of the world, when everything is aligned and the stars seem to shine just for us. Those days when magic happens, when lighting couldn’t strike us down, when bouncing up and down on the bed seems like a minor expression of how we’ve grown, loved, accomplished, gained, or triumphed.

And some days we feel so low that getting out of bed can feel like a chore. When these days occur, I feel ashamed and guilty, especially when I have so much to be grateful for. You know, I have two hands, two legs, a functional brain and all that – so why, like today, when I am merely sick, my nose red raw, my back aching from coughing and sneezing like I have epilepsy and feeling overly emotional, why, do I feel guilt because I don’t want to get out of bed? I don’t want to have to make breakfast for my daughter, I don’t feel like making her brush her teeth, I don’t feel like drawing pictures, I don’t want to do the dishes, or make the beds -- I just don’t feel like it. But the guilt overwhelms me, so I get up and do it anyway, and cried the entire time, feeling downright sorry for myself. Now I feel guilty that I am crying in front of my kid. I tell myself to toughen up and pull myself together……you’re a mother for god sake; this is your responsibility, your duty.

Being a single mother is no walk in the park, and my hat goes off to all single mothers around the world. Most female animals raise their young alone, with a rare exception of Emperor Penguins, who mate for life and raise their young together. So, my hat goes off to male Emperor Penguins as well. Actually, I think the American Indians had the right idea about rearing their young within the tribe. Everyone had a responsibility to these children and the child was never without guidance or learning something new from someone within their tribe. Maybe the hippies had the right idea by living in communes, except for the drug use. There are many cultures around the world that live in tribes. What has happened to American society that has pushed us so far away from these values, that living amongst our tribe is ‘unacceptable’? Now we are just a bunch of individualized, free thinking, ambitious, rushing to accomplish something, self important society, that we’ve forgotten how to rear our young within a tribe. Or, maybe it’s just big city living that individualizes us. We all live in little boxes, drive little boxes, shop in little boxes and live for ourselves, instead of some structured social hierarchy. Ok, maybe I am just venting a little because today I wish I could lie in my bed and have someone looking after me for a change - without feeling guilty.

As I write these words now, I can’t contain the tears rolling down my face because I am frustrated and…….… lonely. There it is….the “L” word…..Well, sometimes the truth hurts, to my own ears it sounds like fingernails scrapping down a chalk board. I am trying so hard to be independent and seek my own life, and live it the way I want to live it, but for some reason, I hate doing it alone. I don’t think we’re designed to do it alone; we’re designed to be part of a tribe, to share it…..all of it…the good and the bad.

Shakespeare said, “To be, or not to be, that is the question.” Well, my answer is……I would rather be, all that I can be and sometimes that’s lonely, frustrated and downright having a bad day, than not to be, anything I am not.

I did eventually pull up my boot straps and get my sorry ass out of bed and took my girl to Venice, which did make me feel better. She got to scooter her buns off, while I sat on the beach and took photos. Actually it was kind of funny, because as she zoomed around on her scooter with the other skater kids, her eyes taking it all in, she said, “mom…… l like Venice. I want to live here.” Maybe she found her tribe!