Blurry......

A few weeks ago, my friend wrote a beautiful blog about the relationship between a man and his dog. He also recommended a book. Last night I finished reading it, Merles Door. Never in my life, have I read a book that made me cry so hard, not weep, but a good old fashion hard cry. I barely made it through the last chapter; the pages became so blurry from my salty tears, my heart breaking with each word that I could not continue. A few days ago, I had to put it down next to my bed, because I refused to read on. Every so often, I would look over at my book, and think, 'come on Trisha, you must finish it.' However, for several lonely nights it lay next to me without a page ever being turned. Last night, I decided to be brave, grab a box of tissues, climb into my bed and trudge on through to the end. I imagine the author had a very hard time writing this novel without crying rivers. I am an avid animal lover, just part of my essence, especially dogs. I remember when I was 4 years old, I would walk straight up to a Donavan Pincher, who looked like it had rabies and could probably kill me with one bite and pat his head and lick his face. My mother used to freak out and cry every time she saw me approach one of these animals, but they always licked me back. I think I gave my mother grey hairs way too early in her life, because no matter what kind of animal was in my immediate vicinity, I would always walk straight over to it, try to lick its face, or feed it ice cream. I recently lost the love of my life and my best friend, My Sweet Lucy. After 14 years of the most wonderful companionship a girl could ever have, she passed away from cancer. My tears are fresh and the memory of her still so close to my heart. However, I am also inspired to question something my friend wrote at the end of his beautiful entry and experience with his own love affair with his beautiful friend, Marco. “How can I love unconditionally and how can I change my partners’ life by giving it all?”

This is a fascinating question because for anyone who has ever been in love, knows just how much it hurts when your heart gets broken, whether the source is from the love of your life, or a most beloved pet dying, or the loss of family member or friend. The pain inflicted is unbearably raw, and so physically draining that it can consume every inch of our soul and the affliction is forever present, while for others, they may begin a quest for answers, or a lesson to be learned.



Moments in my life, when I have felt in love, the sensations I feel start something like this; My heart begins to pound faster in my chest, the palms of my hands clam up, endorphins fire up on all cylinders, a rush of adrenaline flows from my head and tickles all the way down to my toes, my mouth begins to twitch due to fact the corners of my lips permanently turned toward the sky and I find myself absent-mindedly twisting my hair with my fingers, the smell of skin becomes intoxicating and my head becomes tipsy with delight, the slightest touch sends bolts of electricity down my spine, the sweetness left on my tongue lingers, the noise of the outside world disappears and the sound of white protrudes until there is no one else left in the room, or giggling in the middle of the street remembering some private moment shared, excited for the next. It may start like that, but it progresses like this; thoughts are easily distracted as I begin to wonder, where are they are at this very moment? What are they doing? Are they happy? Would they like the shirt I am wearing? Are they thinking about me? Do they like sugar in their coffee? Do they prefer tea? Do they like Crest or Colgate? Should I close the door when I pee? Do they eat brown bread or white bread? Do they even like bread at all? As things evolve and intimacy hovers low in the sky, fear sets in, the fear of losing love. I ask myself, is it possible to sustain those moments?……...those feelings?……….this crazy little thing called love?

Why is love such a contradiction? The highs so high and the lows, so low. Yet despite this slanted scale, we will always seek love? Maybe that is why they call it “falling”, because we journey to the top of the mountain and enjoy the view from the top, yet, slowly we begin to fall off the cliff. Some of us grow our wings on the way down; some of us fall from grace. So, can we love unconditionally? I wonder. In a relationship between a man/woman and a dog, I think there can be unconditional love, because a dog will never judge you, let you down, lie to you, pretend to be anything other than who they are. A dog will always be true. They do not hide behind walls, or try to trick you. I am beginning to believe that people, tend think too much. We question ourselves too much, or over think things and negate the pureness of love. If only we could be more like a dog we might learn to interpret love……..with complete and utter pureness. Honestly, I do not know the answer to the question of unconditional love……….. What I do know is this; live each moment with intensity and embrace with open arms these precious little sparkles of joy, for love is fearfully fascinating and exciting.