A Gradual Awakening

I have been flapping my wings hard these days, but since I am still learning how to use them, they are bumping into everything, mainly myself. In the grand scheme of things, life is fantastic, but sometimes I hit bumps in the road, some bigger than others. I’ve been rolling over these bumps lately, bumps like, self doubt and guilt. Doubt that I can’t accomplish my goals, because I am not good enough, or afraid to try because I might fail. The other bump is guilt…that little devil of a word. Guilt - that when I dream, I dream of big things, but when I open my eyes, I am still standing in the same dam place. Guilt – guilt that I have everything I need, but not what I want, guilt that what I want is selfish, guilt that I am not doing enough to help the world, and guilt that I feel guilty.

On the outside, people may see me and think; what does she have to complain about? She drives a nice car, has a nice place to live, all the standard middle class values, but on the inside I want to scream! Why should I care what anyone thinks? The only person, who should admire me, is ME. Maybe I’ve neglected myself for so long and for the first time in my life I have to stand alone and figure it out. I am trying to discover what I want, who I am, and what I want to become, which is a difficult process because I have never thought about it that much before. It’s kind of like waking up in the morning and I am Alice in Wonderland, and the caterpillar is staring at me asking, “Who are you? My reply at this very moment is just as Alice said, “I hardly know sir, just at present - at least I knew who I was when I got up this morning, but I think I must have changed several times since then.”

I thought I could be the perfect mother, with the perfect child, with the perfect picket fence, the perfect white dress, you know……… the movie you see with the perfect family…..but that’s not how it turned out…….. I am not those things. I am not perfect. I am not superhuman. My daughter is an eccentric, which I wouldn’t change for the world, but also makes it difficult, because I constantly feel like people judge me for her behavior and her wicked sense of humor.

The other night my daughter watched Edward Scissor Hands and I could tell she related so strongly to him that she began to cry because she saw a little of herself in him. She had empathy for him, because he is different – Here was this little town, where everyone was the same, same houses, same cars, the woman at home dressed the same, the men mowing the lawn and this strange guy with scissors on his hands, and a heart of gold. I could see she related with Edward and understood him completely. She said to me, “Mom, I like Edward, because I am different also. “ I tried so hard not to cry, I told her that Edward is amazing, and even though he is different and misunderstood, he represents a peace and innocence in this strange world, and even though he may appear strange on the outside, he is perfectly amazing on the inside! I admire her strength to realize that being different is fine and great, maybe I should listen to her words of wisdom and not be afraid of what others think.

I admire people who can go out into the world and not be sorry for who they are, or what they want, they wake up in the morning and go for it……even when times are tough and there are a million reasons not to get out of bed. I am working through a great deal of change at the moment, but I know I am wrapped in a blanket of love, compassion and healthy advice from my friends and that makes me feel safe to share, be open and honest and it also makes me the luckiest gal in the world.

I just flipped open a little book and it landed on this passage: “To be alive is the biggest fear humans have. Death is not the biggest fear we have; our biggest fear is taking the risk to be alive – the risk to be alive and express what we really are. Just being ourselves is the biggest fear of humans. We have learned to live our lives trying to satisfy other people’s demands. We have learned to live by other people’s points of view because of the fear of not being accepted and of not being good enough for someone else. Trying to be good enough for them, we create an image of perfection, but we do not fit this image. We create this image, but this image is not real. We are never going to be perfect from this point of view. Never!” The Four Agreements.


Despite my moment of weakness, self-doubt and guilt, I embrace it all, for I know I am alive, awake, imperfect, always learning, improving, and growing my wings every day. But, most importantly I know that if I fall or crash, I have the most wonderful safety net to catch and love me.